Just In
for Dinner

9/29/2007 c1 5peachfruitsalad
wow, i got shivers down my spine. I'm a big fan of the Hannibal lector series, and this kind of reminds me of a mix between that and a story I read a long time ago, but I can't remember what it was called or who it was by (don't you hate that?). This is excellent - chilling, precise, and deliciously morbid (no pun intended).

The only recommendation I could make is the placement of a sort of phasing between each section, like between where Robert starts telling Helenza the story, and when Helenza starts telling us what Robert told her, and then again between where Helenza finishes telling us what he told her, and the conversation between Helenza and Robert comes back again. It doesn't have to be anything fancy, just perhaps trail off the end of his sentence.

for example;

Robert looked up at me with raised eyebrows, laid down his fork, seemed to drop his poise and sighed before beginning. "It started around three months ago..." [and then start Helenza's narration]

and then perhaps a section break, or just trail in the sentence again

"...but its been three months and they never found nothing."

p.s. "nothing" should actually be "anything", otherwise you've compounded your sentence with a double negative, which is grammatically incorrect.

Well done.

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