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for Sahara

1/6/2008 c1 102Midnight In Eden
You asked for critique, so here it is:

1. Why not capitalise the "i" at the beginning of the poem? Are you trying to pull an e.e. cummings or is there a purpose? If it's the latter then try to establish it more but if it's the former, then I'd recommend not doing that.

2. Your line breaks aren't creating an even flow at the moment, why separate an adjective from its noun? Something like this might work better:

i gnash these crooked teeth

and steady cracked hands

beneath a thirsty sun

that drinks from the desert.

3. I'm iffy about "crooked" and "cracked". They're almost too bland in terms of description.

4. Image is solid. We get a scene and your interaction with it. However, that's all we get. The meaning is currently too far under the surface to really make an impact on your reader. Another stanza might help.

All that said, this isn't bad but there's certainly room for improvement.

11/3/2007 c1 37Completely Baffled
I like the bit about the sun drinking from the desert. I never really thought of it that way...for me, it was always the earth partaking of the sun.

Might I suggest capatalizing the "i" at the very beginning? It's very trivial, but I'll throw it out there anyhow.
10/17/2007 c1 44AuraBorealis
You could capatlize things. Were does to title come into place? All in all, nice metaphors and similies. keep writing
10/7/2007 c1 hey maria
I'm not a fan of the gnashing crooked teeth and steady cracked hands, and I can't really explain why. I think I get the point of the lines but I feel like it could be said in a more original way. It's a little trite.

But it seems like a Biblical reference, the gnashing of teeth thing, and the sun could represent a God figure, in which case this poem is even more complex than it appears to be at first glance. So I'm kind of conflicted about the first two lines.

I love the image of the thirsty sun drinking from the desert. It's such a clever phrase.

I think this poem is about a cry for relief, but there's no one to help - even the sun is reaching for something it can't find and, as a result, only becomes thirstier. But the poem is written in a way that leaves space for many interpretations.

So to summarize, I don't completely understand this poem and don't know if I like half of it. Sorry I can't be of greater help.

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