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10/11/2007 c1 4Disturbly
Hello, then. I'm Disturbly. I'll be reviewing your story today.

1)She grinned, a million watt smile, figuratively brightening up the poorly lit roadside café.

That's a good openong, but you may want to take out the word "figuratively" in your metaphor. Most of your readers can infer that you're speaking figuratively; stupid people can just assume that she has a good deal of sun-lamp in her ancestry.

2)The dull throb was caused partly by a hard day at work and by the sharp, clear words falling from her bright red lips.

You might want to make that "and partly by the sharp, clear words..." When you use the word "partly" the first time, it sets up that expectation that you'll use it again when describing what the other cause of his headache is.

3)Hell yes he thought. He nodded his head a little too quickly; the movement seemed to repeat itself like he was still moving even when he wasn’t. He was thankful that she was at least providing a possible cure for the pain she wasn’t helping in the slightest, because after all coffee was the answer to everything. Or at least the answer to everything was a lot simpler after a cup of steaming caffeine.

Nice passage; clever, interesting, and you use it to reveal one on James' vices.

4)As though he was their boss, a thought that made his insides want to turn inside out and his brain explode

Yeah... That's not really working for me. It seems to me that if James was, hypothetically, their boss, then they wouldn't be in a position to force him to do stuff. Maybe the dynamic would work better if it read "As though they were his boss"?

5)The woman, whose name happened to be Karen, sat herself opposite him on the off white piece of moulded plastic that made up the cafes seats.

"Cafes" should be possessive.

6)Paranormal things defiantly did exist, he wasn’t unsure about this, wasn’t open minded, he knew they existed. The noises in her house were most defiantly not caused by a stalker, or her imagination.

You meant "definitely".

7)I just wanted someone to talk to you know?

Comma after "to".

8)He wasn’t surprised, there was barely any room left on the walls for any more writing.

That comma should probably be a semicolon; these sentences make two distinct statements, and you didn't link them together with a conjunction.

9)“Yeah, defiantly, let’s get out of here.”


11)it was a Saturday so James had the day off work.

Comma after "Saturday".

12)He rubbed the sleep out of his voice, attempting to make his bedroom seem less blurry.

Out of his voice? I think you meant "eyes".

13)it was called ‘ghosts among us.’

"Ghosts Among Us" should be capitalized, and since you're not giving it in the context of a larger phrase of dialogue, those should be full quotes("").

14)He worked for a music magazine... The meeting had gone down hill from there... and there was one person who had such a quiet voice he had to keep asking her to repeat what she was saying, gaining him several frowns from various people.

Throughout the passage where you describe his job, you do something interesting. "Working at a music magazine" seems like a really great job; but by making it (or at least the meetings) hellish, you buck your readers' expectation. Nice touch of reality in a fantasy setting.

15)and than it started raining.

"Then it started raining", you mean.

16)Guess you’re friends aren’t as wrong about paranormal activity as you thought. I mean, actually they are, but there more right than you are.

"Your friends"; "they're more right".

So, yeah. Your story's good; it's witty, interesting, and intriguing. I don't quite get the mechanics of ghosts in your story, but I assume you'll expand on that soon.

On thing, though- Watch your speach tags. "When you're writing dialogue," he said, "the period at the end of a speaker's sentence is written as a comma before the quotation marks, and the pronoun that indicates who's speaking should be lowercase." That tripped you up a lot in this; generally, I'd point out each instance, but I'm kind of strapped for time, and you really *did* fail to do that a lot.

Anyway... Good story. Keep on it. Have fun.


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