for Black Arrow Chronicles: Book 13/28/2009 c1 
3Alyssanya
I like it, and have no critisisms as yet. As yet. Very fast-paced, and currently enjoyable.
3AlyssanyaI like it, and have no critisisms as yet. As yet. Very fast-paced, and currently enjoyable.
1/23/2008 c2 3Prieda Solo
i like glaze :) he is different and origonal. The interactions between him and Borel are very good (and quite funny).
3Prieda Soloi like glaze :) he is different and origonal. The interactions between him and Borel are very good (and quite funny).
1/23/2008 c1 Prieda Solo
Nice :) A teeny tiny too much of tell rather than show, but otherwise this is a good start. Some nice descriptions and some well set up characters :)
Nice :) A teeny tiny too much of tell rather than show, but otherwise this is a good start. Some nice descriptions and some well set up characters :)
12/8/2007 c2 2Casey Drake
...Aww...
Yeah, I think I like Glaze-Daniel. He promises to be interesting.
:) CD
2Casey Drake...Aww...
Yeah, I think I like Glaze-Daniel. He promises to be interesting.
:) CD
11/23/2007 c2 29Leaves of Labefaction
I like the descriptions, and it has a good plot. But there are some grammatical errors:
"Delicate hooves supported its well muscled body, and strap marks where his saddle was fastened." I don't think the strap part makes much sense. Also, you reffered to the hose half the time as a girl, half the time as a boy.
""Why? Envy of your skills, perhaps” An amused grunt as Glaze..." You need some form of punctuation after the perhaps.
Anyway, nice job.
29Leaves of LabefactionI like the descriptions, and it has a good plot. But there are some grammatical errors:
"Delicate hooves supported its well muscled body, and strap marks where his saddle was fastened." I don't think the strap part makes much sense. Also, you reffered to the hose half the time as a girl, half the time as a boy.
""Why? Envy of your skills, perhaps” An amused grunt as Glaze..." You need some form of punctuation after the perhaps.
Anyway, nice job.
11/14/2007 c2 11Torn and Tattered
I agree with what you said in the email. The ending is kinda too abrupt. BUT the content of the chappie was really good. i loved the vivid detail. there was some pronoun confusion in some places, like him for her, or something along those lines =3
Update soon, TAD
11Torn and TatteredI agree with what you said in the email. The ending is kinda too abrupt. BUT the content of the chappie was really good. i loved the vivid detail. there was some pronoun confusion in some places, like him for her, or something along those lines =3
Update soon, TAD
11/12/2007 c2 17Anehalia
Coming along nicely. Might want to make the transition from real world tto dream alittle clearer. Other than that, nice!
17AnehaliaComing along nicely. Might want to make the transition from real world tto dream alittle clearer. Other than that, nice!
11/10/2007 c1 5BabyBow
Thanks for reading my story. As you suggested, in return I have read this first chapter of your Black Arrow Chronicles.
You're clearly comfortable with the world you've created, the concepts involved, and it's rules and laws, which is important. You're confident when you write about the magic, demons, assassin, and so on, which makes the world more believable for the readers. Your syntax is sophisticated, and you've put a nice focus on specific details, without being overly descriptive.
It took me a while to find ways for you to improve. Some of these are just me being picky :D. Firstly, your choice of words doesn't always seem completely apt; the guard peered through the 'murk'. Is this really what the environment is like - murky? In a similar vein, you might want to not repeat 'ease' so much - try and use a synonym for the word every now and again (you've done this a lot elsewhere, which is good). I can understand that the fact he's an assassin suggests that he probably does perform a lot of these actions with 'ease' and there's nothing wrong with emphasising that point, but it gets a bit tiresome to read the same words over and over again.
You might want to go through one last time before publishing the chapters to check that all words are spelt correctly and so on - "knocked" instead of "knocker" - although admittedly, it does appear that you've already done this a few times.
It's nice that you mentioned incense, playing on the other senses, but to involve the reader more in the scene, you could put a little more focus on these sorts of details; perhaps describe what the incense smells of, for example.
This is a great story so far. You seem like a really confident writer, as well as a highly capable one. Keep writing ^^.
5BabyBowThanks for reading my story. As you suggested, in return I have read this first chapter of your Black Arrow Chronicles.
You're clearly comfortable with the world you've created, the concepts involved, and it's rules and laws, which is important. You're confident when you write about the magic, demons, assassin, and so on, which makes the world more believable for the readers. Your syntax is sophisticated, and you've put a nice focus on specific details, without being overly descriptive.
It took me a while to find ways for you to improve. Some of these are just me being picky :D. Firstly, your choice of words doesn't always seem completely apt; the guard peered through the 'murk'. Is this really what the environment is like - murky? In a similar vein, you might want to not repeat 'ease' so much - try and use a synonym for the word every now and again (you've done this a lot elsewhere, which is good). I can understand that the fact he's an assassin suggests that he probably does perform a lot of these actions with 'ease' and there's nothing wrong with emphasising that point, but it gets a bit tiresome to read the same words over and over again.
You might want to go through one last time before publishing the chapters to check that all words are spelt correctly and so on - "knocked" instead of "knocker" - although admittedly, it does appear that you've already done this a few times.
It's nice that you mentioned incense, playing on the other senses, but to involve the reader more in the scene, you could put a little more focus on these sorts of details; perhaps describe what the incense smells of, for example.
This is a great story so far. You seem like a really confident writer, as well as a highly capable one. Keep writing ^^.
11/10/2007 c1 17Anehalia
Have you red the book the Black Arrow by Robert Lois Stevenson?
I think yoou would like it.
I also want to say one more thing about the story that you reviewed, I am trying to make it life like and in that i can state things sometimes. I am also reveiling things in the next chapter about Ella (I don't really like her).
Your story is well written. I liked it alot. Nice suspension.
17AnehaliaHave you red the book the Black Arrow by Robert Lois Stevenson?
I think yoou would like it.
I also want to say one more thing about the story that you reviewed, I am trying to make it life like and in that i can state things sometimes. I am also reveiling things in the next chapter about Ella (I don't really like her).
Your story is well written. I liked it alot. Nice suspension.
10/21/2007 c1 11Torn and Tattered
How does something manage to deflect something with a hoof? that'd have to be amazingly quick with an amazing amount of precision oO
lolz. loved it. sry for the late review =(
~Mel
11Torn and TatteredHow does something manage to deflect something with a hoof? that'd have to be amazingly quick with an amazing amount of precision oO
lolz. loved it. sry for the late review =(
~Mel
10/19/2007 c1 6Statute
wow, you are quite an amazing writer, youre detail and creativity is quite impressive, I dont read many stories as well written as this, I read another a bit earlier but anyway, well done this was really good, one thing however, I thought the fight was well written, and you probably had planned it this way, but the fact that a trained and skilled assasin let his prescence known before firing his arrow surprised me. It's just that wouldn't an assassin of his skill simply fire the arrow without alerting the magician then melt away? Perhaps the conjured Demons couldv'e already been with the magician? Anyway, it's entirely up to you, great job so far keepit up.
6Statutewow, you are quite an amazing writer, youre detail and creativity is quite impressive, I dont read many stories as well written as this, I read another a bit earlier but anyway, well done this was really good, one thing however, I thought the fight was well written, and you probably had planned it this way, but the fact that a trained and skilled assasin let his prescence known before firing his arrow surprised me. It's just that wouldn't an assassin of his skill simply fire the arrow without alerting the magician then melt away? Perhaps the conjured Demons couldv'e already been with the magician? Anyway, it's entirely up to you, great job so far keepit up.
10/16/2007 c1 4Zenerai
Glaze is a nice name for the main character and I have to say you did a wonderful job on the entire chapter. You thought of many things an assassin would, theoretically, really do. Like his homework, he knew his way to the Governor's chambers due to the bribes and blackmail previously used. The way you describe objects is awsome too - how you stop for a few moments to look over the door with the elephant knocker, and then the intricate details of the desk when Glaze entered the Governer's chambers. You're action is also well done moving from action to action smoothly without any slowdown and I really liked how the Governor summoned demons that were quickly put back. Overall, an excellent job! I don't have much to say just yet as far as what you could fix, we'll have to see on what you write later but in the meantime; Great job again.
4ZeneraiGlaze is a nice name for the main character and I have to say you did a wonderful job on the entire chapter. You thought of many things an assassin would, theoretically, really do. Like his homework, he knew his way to the Governor's chambers due to the bribes and blackmail previously used. The way you describe objects is awsome too - how you stop for a few moments to look over the door with the elephant knocker, and then the intricate details of the desk when Glaze entered the Governer's chambers. You're action is also well done moving from action to action smoothly without any slowdown and I really liked how the Governor summoned demons that were quickly put back. Overall, an excellent job! I don't have much to say just yet as far as what you could fix, we'll have to see on what you write later but in the meantime; Great job again.