for Black Men3/24/2013 c1 
27absentmindedprofessor
I agree with some parts of your essay, but not the entire thing. You say that black men are disappearing, but I think you mean that educated black men are disappearing, in which case I agree - the numbers are declining, and something needs to be done about it. Unfortunately, until people wake up and see that black men are and should be contributing members of society, this isn't going to happen. It's a sorry state of affairs.
You have a few spelling and grammatical errors in this piece that you should probably take a look at - I think most of them have already been mentioned by other reviewers, so I won't reiterate here.
Great overall message, but those things need to be reworked. Thanks for sharing. :)
27absentmindedprofessorI agree with some parts of your essay, but not the entire thing. You say that black men are disappearing, but I think you mean that educated black men are disappearing, in which case I agree - the numbers are declining, and something needs to be done about it. Unfortunately, until people wake up and see that black men are and should be contributing members of society, this isn't going to happen. It's a sorry state of affairs.
You have a few spelling and grammatical errors in this piece that you should probably take a look at - I think most of them have already been mentioned by other reviewers, so I won't reiterate here.
Great overall message, but those things need to be reworked. Thanks for sharing. :)
10/17/2007 c1 16RuathaWehrling
I... have some issues with this essay. I think it's less that I disagree with what you THINK and more that I disagree with what you've SAID. I don't think you presented your point very well, friend.
1.) "Looking out on the street people ask where have all the black men gone?" - Not really. Thoughout this piece, you make it seem like black men are literally disappearing and failing to propagate the species, etc. I haven't seen any evidence of this (and you haven't presented any either). I think your main argument is supposed to be that black mean aren't getting well-educated, and as such, they end up with lousy jobs, living in poor neighborhoods, doing drugs, getting in jail, etc. Okay, fine, you can make a point of that. But that doesn't mean that you can't find a black guy on the streets! Please, rewrite this whole first paragraph so it relates to the real issue you want to talk about. Otherwise, you need to give some of those "documented facts", because I've sure never heard any of them.
2.) "Personal has shown that the black man is a dying species by the simple fact that they feel that they will make it to do whatever they want with mediocre educational capacity." - Personal WHAT has shown? This is an incomplete sentence as is. Also, you write about "the black man" (singular) and then "they" (plural). That's bad grammar. Pick one and stick with it througout the paragraph, please.
3.) "...less than satisfactory grades keep them from achieving their goals." - I think that if you want to make this a really meaningful discussion of the topic, you have to talk about WHY so many young black guys have bad grades. You clearly think that that's what's causing most of the problems that black adult men face. So what causes the cause, then? If we could solve that, maybe the rest of it would clear up on its own. How SHOULD we solve this problem?
4.) "I don’t know maybe jail." - Comma after "know", please. Or a dash, if you prefer.
5.) "Quoted from America Has Lost a Generation of Black Boys, "..." " - This is not a whole sentence. It's a phrase. Who is doing the quoting?
6.) "This shows how numb the American people are to this issue and so are the communities that raise these black men." - Last I checked, the "communities that raise these black men" ARE Americans...
7.) "Young Black men are negligible to them and they feel like they are gone why bother." - Just read this sentence aloud once. How does the "why bother" at the end fit with it at all? It needs to be a sentence on its own (as is, it's a run-on). Also, you use the word "they" and "them" here, presumably to mean both "the black guys" and "Americans in general". But it isn't clear (without a re-read) which group belongs to which pronoun. Be careful about this!
8.) "In Manchild in the Promise Land, by Claude Brown, these black men are distraught by the plague of drugs." - So what? What does this paragraph have to do with the rest of the article? If there is a connection, you need to explain it, since most of us haven't read this reference. Otherwise, delete the entire paragraph.
9.) "In conclusion the species known as the black man is going to be non-existent if nothing is done to help them." - I repeat Comment #1. Nothing in your essay gives me proof that black guys are going exinct. You talk about their problems, but not that they're dying off like flies. Either provide evidence for this, or rewrite the last paragraph.
10.) "This is shown in the pre paragraphs and will be shown as an adherent to the crash of young black men." - First off, if you've shown something before, you don't need to tell us at the end that you showed it. Secondly, "pre paragraphs" and "adherent"? Friend, this doesn't make any sense at all.
I think this is an important topic and you must feel strongly about it. But you've done a poor job of explaining your points. Go back through and revise this, make it clear what your main points are, and provide additional supporting evidence, if you want people to be impacted by what you have to say.
Good luck,
-Ruatha
16RuathaWehrlingI... have some issues with this essay. I think it's less that I disagree with what you THINK and more that I disagree with what you've SAID. I don't think you presented your point very well, friend.
1.) "Looking out on the street people ask where have all the black men gone?" - Not really. Thoughout this piece, you make it seem like black men are literally disappearing and failing to propagate the species, etc. I haven't seen any evidence of this (and you haven't presented any either). I think your main argument is supposed to be that black mean aren't getting well-educated, and as such, they end up with lousy jobs, living in poor neighborhoods, doing drugs, getting in jail, etc. Okay, fine, you can make a point of that. But that doesn't mean that you can't find a black guy on the streets! Please, rewrite this whole first paragraph so it relates to the real issue you want to talk about. Otherwise, you need to give some of those "documented facts", because I've sure never heard any of them.
2.) "Personal has shown that the black man is a dying species by the simple fact that they feel that they will make it to do whatever they want with mediocre educational capacity." - Personal WHAT has shown? This is an incomplete sentence as is. Also, you write about "the black man" (singular) and then "they" (plural). That's bad grammar. Pick one and stick with it througout the paragraph, please.
3.) "...less than satisfactory grades keep them from achieving their goals." - I think that if you want to make this a really meaningful discussion of the topic, you have to talk about WHY so many young black guys have bad grades. You clearly think that that's what's causing most of the problems that black adult men face. So what causes the cause, then? If we could solve that, maybe the rest of it would clear up on its own. How SHOULD we solve this problem?
4.) "I don’t know maybe jail." - Comma after "know", please. Or a dash, if you prefer.
5.) "Quoted from America Has Lost a Generation of Black Boys, "..." " - This is not a whole sentence. It's a phrase. Who is doing the quoting?
6.) "This shows how numb the American people are to this issue and so are the communities that raise these black men." - Last I checked, the "communities that raise these black men" ARE Americans...
7.) "Young Black men are negligible to them and they feel like they are gone why bother." - Just read this sentence aloud once. How does the "why bother" at the end fit with it at all? It needs to be a sentence on its own (as is, it's a run-on). Also, you use the word "they" and "them" here, presumably to mean both "the black guys" and "Americans in general". But it isn't clear (without a re-read) which group belongs to which pronoun. Be careful about this!
8.) "In Manchild in the Promise Land, by Claude Brown, these black men are distraught by the plague of drugs." - So what? What does this paragraph have to do with the rest of the article? If there is a connection, you need to explain it, since most of us haven't read this reference. Otherwise, delete the entire paragraph.
9.) "In conclusion the species known as the black man is going to be non-existent if nothing is done to help them." - I repeat Comment #1. Nothing in your essay gives me proof that black guys are going exinct. You talk about their problems, but not that they're dying off like flies. Either provide evidence for this, or rewrite the last paragraph.
10.) "This is shown in the pre paragraphs and will be shown as an adherent to the crash of young black men." - First off, if you've shown something before, you don't need to tell us at the end that you showed it. Secondly, "pre paragraphs" and "adherent"? Friend, this doesn't make any sense at all.
I think this is an important topic and you must feel strongly about it. But you've done a poor job of explaining your points. Go back through and revise this, make it clear what your main points are, and provide additional supporting evidence, if you want people to be impacted by what you have to say.
Good luck,
-Ruatha
10/16/2007 c1 33Tiefling
"Personal has shown that the black man is a dying species by the simple fact that they feel that they will make it to do whatever they want with mediocre educational capacity."
All humans are the same species, whatever the colour of their skin. To say otherwise is offensive. Maybe 'a dying breed' would be better. Saying they have a mediocre educational capacity is also very offensive. Intelligence has nothing to do with colouring. Judging by the rest of the paragraph it doesn't sound like that's what you meant, in which case you shouldn't say 'capacity'. Being poorly educated and not having the capacity to be educated are two different things.
There also seems to be a word missing from that sentence. Personal what? Experience?
"Documented facts also prove this epidemic by revealing the graduation and dropout rates of these young black men. Twenty-six percent of the black men in NYC finished high school, and of that twenty-six percent only twenty-two percent finished college. "
When you use stats you need to give your sources to back them up or as far as anyone knows you're making it up.
33Tiefling"Personal has shown that the black man is a dying species by the simple fact that they feel that they will make it to do whatever they want with mediocre educational capacity."
All humans are the same species, whatever the colour of their skin. To say otherwise is offensive. Maybe 'a dying breed' would be better. Saying they have a mediocre educational capacity is also very offensive. Intelligence has nothing to do with colouring. Judging by the rest of the paragraph it doesn't sound like that's what you meant, in which case you shouldn't say 'capacity'. Being poorly educated and not having the capacity to be educated are two different things.
There also seems to be a word missing from that sentence. Personal what? Experience?
"Documented facts also prove this epidemic by revealing the graduation and dropout rates of these young black men. Twenty-six percent of the black men in NYC finished high school, and of that twenty-six percent only twenty-two percent finished college. "
When you use stats you need to give your sources to back them up or as far as anyone knows you're making it up.
10/16/2007 c1 3Toxin89
Dude, rewrite that. I dunno it's just not convincing and dosen't get your point across well. And what are you trying to say? More black men should be in college? Less should be in jail? They should be doing something more than hangin onthe street? You're too easy to criticize communities for not caring ((which is way too general, there are lots of programs to keep all types of kid off the streets and on the path to a better future.-YMCA, which has a hell of a lot of programs nationwide,-Community programs set up by DAs and such- Ifetayo, a group that caters specifically to the developement of black men and women-and many moreI'm sure)) but at the same time your not offering any solutions of your own. I'm sure that most, if not all african-americans know that because of the standstill advancement of african-american youths, they as a people are heading nowhere fast. You must also think about other things besides simply blaming the youths themselves. Look at their environment, not many African-american youths live in the most encouraging of places or come from the best of homes. Perhaps they do want to succeed, it not entirely their fault if they are at a loss for motivation. Fear might also be another thing. They might just be afraid to go somewhere new. When you've grown up in one place and adapted to it its hard to change yourself to adapt to something completely new. Well... I think thats it. Dude, I think your problem is that you don't see things from all angles. Your on of those kids that thinks he's smarter than all these other African-americans, right? So you look down on them rather than lowering yourself to their level and looking at things from where they are. I hope I made myself clear and that you know to take everything into account next time. Not everything is so black and white.
3Toxin89Dude, rewrite that. I dunno it's just not convincing and dosen't get your point across well. And what are you trying to say? More black men should be in college? Less should be in jail? They should be doing something more than hangin onthe street? You're too easy to criticize communities for not caring ((which is way too general, there are lots of programs to keep all types of kid off the streets and on the path to a better future.-YMCA, which has a hell of a lot of programs nationwide,-Community programs set up by DAs and such- Ifetayo, a group that caters specifically to the developement of black men and women-and many moreI'm sure)) but at the same time your not offering any solutions of your own. I'm sure that most, if not all african-americans know that because of the standstill advancement of african-american youths, they as a people are heading nowhere fast. You must also think about other things besides simply blaming the youths themselves. Look at their environment, not many African-american youths live in the most encouraging of places or come from the best of homes. Perhaps they do want to succeed, it not entirely their fault if they are at a loss for motivation. Fear might also be another thing. They might just be afraid to go somewhere new. When you've grown up in one place and adapted to it its hard to change yourself to adapt to something completely new. Well... I think thats it. Dude, I think your problem is that you don't see things from all angles. Your on of those kids that thinks he's smarter than all these other African-americans, right? So you look down on them rather than lowering yourself to their level and looking at things from where they are. I hope I made myself clear and that you know to take everything into account next time. Not everything is so black and white.