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for The Last And First Overmen: A Novel

5/21/2008 c34 12TorgoTheWhite
Thrilling story! Loved how the multiple story lines came together in the end.
4/17/2008 c5 TorgoTheWhite
Great story on transhumanism. I liked the way its structured.
12/22/2007 c22 12Monev11235
"Awakening in a desert, he first thought he had awakened someone near Los Alamos."


"However, a quick glance at the landscape and sky dispelled those notions. From the first glance,..."


But the tying-in of the story points in chapter 24 r0xx0rz.
12/18/2007 c21 Monev11235
First, this character is something of an Iron Man clone.


"Only one prototype was built, but a number of derived systems were."

Were what?


"Zeitgeist replied, showing up directly in front of the Archon, and offering his services."

You're off by a generation of the SJD here.

Aside from that, it's an interesting buildup.
11/24/2007 c16 That Way
You started a lot of sentences with "That way,..."
11/20/2007 c11 Lord of the Trees
Very interesting story, but what was with that random chapter about colonists on Mars and aliens and all that? Is that the future of this timeline or something? Please clarify. You're an amazing author, but your writing tends to be a bit confusing at times.
11/17/2007 c10 Monev11235
You switched the names of Outback and the other guy at the end.
11/12/2007 c5 3Kent Edwins
Very good. Too bad I have to stop for the night. I promise I'll review the next chapters in greater detail once I've got the chance to read 'em. Anyway, this is your most fun story to date. I'm enjoying it.
11/4/2007 c2 12AuthorLittle
Nm my comment on your Prolouge...ugh, I feel like an I-D-I-O-T for taking so long to write that. I now see that Achon...sp?...was not the main character in your plot (maybe I'm wrong again)...which, right now, made me wish I had a few free hours to read the rest of your chapters...not flawless, but THIS IS GOOD.
11/4/2007 c1 AuthorLittle
Problems first?

Way too much all at once. Way, WAY too much. I've been told I have a good pace, so if you feel obliged to return a review on my story Rogshian Revolution then that would give you a chance to see that crap...of course, I would strongly suggest reading a 'real' author, like H.G. Wells...I hate Jules Vernes...anyway, you don't just tell your reader everything. That's the plot, and, yes, you should be ABLE to tell your plot quickly-and it aught to be good, duh-but that doesn't mean you should. I'm sure you know the three main things about stories are Plot, Characters, and Setting...well, how developed your characters and setting is usually depends on the rapidity with which you reveal your plot. Or, you can look at it this way...your slowly revealing plot tests and thereby defines your characters in their setting. On another note, thereby you may see that characters are the central point...the setting is only there to give your plot something with which to test your characters. Actually, that wasn't another note...it only showed how valueless a plot is if it develops too quickly-by too quickly I mean it does not serve its purpose, that of developing the characters, which of course takes time. Am I making sense? I know I think differently than most people...um...ok, so what makes a plot good? Its ability to capture the imagination, the power and energy with which it grabs your mind and makes you wonder, 'What will, or could, happen?' This is Mystery. Now, you developed the setting of your world too quickly in this Prolouge for mystery. How is the reader supposed to be grabbed by Mystery if you immediately tell them what happens? I knew that you had a bad Prolouge when I read the part that this excerpt is from:

"The pain caused him to pass out. The following day, Russell Richards emerged a changed man.

He was no longer alone in his own body. An alien (but soothing) presence filled his mind, telling him of wondrous powers."

Now, we have a cliche beginning...alien object lands, boom, dumb person decides to play with whatever the deuce it is. Now, that's not necssarily bad...unless your reader hates sci-fi, but of course you have to choose your audience. The Mystery that makes the reader want to read on is, 'What is in the Object?' The answer to that question is what makes one Alien-Object-Story different from the next. That's your trump card. The main, central point of your Mystery is the answer to that. That doesn't mean it is the thing that people will remember about your story...take The Invisible Man. What is the main Mystery in the plot? Answer: What happens when someone is invisible to human eyes? But of course if someone said 'The Invisible Man was about a man who became invisible and commited crimes and died.' we'd call him or her an idiot. What The Invisible Man was about is the Danger of Power...in a word, bare-bones, that's what it was about. But how Puritan, sombre, and boring is that subject? H.G. Wells used an interesting mystery-What happens when a man is invisible?-to explore this serious topic.

Now, back to the relevance of my blabberings to you...Find out what your story is about. What do you want people to remember about it after reading it? Do you want it to be a Harry Potter book, full of adventures? Then make an adventure out of the object's impact. Create an ordeal out of deciding what to do about the object. Don't just have him pass out and tell us that his body contains an alien presence. Have an Independence Day style introduction to this 'new' character, where, instead of telling us about the alien, show us by the new manner in which he interacts with someone. Of course, this means that you'll have to show him interacting with someone BEFORE contacting the object...that's writing. Lots of writing, lots of work...or else everyone would do it.

You may revise this now, or continue what you have, and just come back later...Personally, I think that writing everything out first and then revising/fleshing-out your story is better. If you get too deep into the details in the beginning of your creation then you will probably get bogged down and never finish. I have that problem...

And now you're going to tell me that you're published and have made millions, wtc do I know? And I'll be like...uh...sorry for being so obnoxious...
10/28/2007 c5 7Haku
Nice chapter. I quite like Bektashi - you've given him a very unique voice. And I also like the addition of Houdini's lock-picks. Lovely introduction to the Secondmen, in any case.
10/23/2007 c3 3Kent Edwins
Watch out for too many Wagner and German Overman references and so on. That’s getting a bit tiring these days. But, good back story. I like the idea of a Hero who goes back in time to change time, and winds up making it worse or just as bad each time. Can’t wait for chapter 4.
10/22/2007 c2 Kent Edwins
Awkward first sentence. With some adjustments, it sounds like it might be a better last sentence for the paragraph where you introduce that character. Also, the name Vincent Valentino sounds a little to close to Vincent Valentine (FF7).

I like how Tesla is in his mind. Kinda reminds me of a strange take on the ability the characters have in Dune. Interesting read, my friend.
10/22/2007 c1 7Haku
Ahh, I've been waiting for this to make an appearance. Lovely piece of work so far. Very much interested - so much so that this may take primacy over my course texts. Good work - keep it up!
10/21/2007 c1 65Nemonus
Pretty clever-it feels rather like 'soon i will be invincible'. You've got some typos/grammar troubles: "a strange lights" and "and took he would share with the symbiote: the Archon." The notes at the bottom aren't that cynical! (But I found the note about "cynical commentary" very amusing.)Good.
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