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for carried away

11/2/2007 c1 54kaylajac
the summary of this made my stomach clench because despite the militant atheism I tend to shove in people's faces, references to Judas always blow me away. 'sweet-faced judas of a man'. oh, god. I love it even more without the dash actually, which I think the summaries automatically take out.

basically just the whole third stanza is wonderful. and amazing. and yeah. I can't say I like the lack of spaces in the punctuation but it's really no big deal.
10/27/2007 c1 4notoriousreviewer
I REALLY like your writing, but the lack of capitalization and spacing makes the whole poem somewhat difficult to read. (In fact, it's just the spacing that really bothers me-a lot of wonderful poets don't use capitalization, and sometimes it even adds to the beauty of a poem.) I love your vocab and all of the figurative language, but some of the language was just baffling:

"gone you had been from my life

though(according to some i say)you've

never gone from my mind." -What? That parenthetical phrase makes NO sense.

"love,that perfidious being with the roguish

smile whom we all curse but secretly adore,

brought me to you(and you to me,

my sweet-faced judas of a man)" -While the metaphor is lovely and the use of it in the summary definitely drew me in, it's a bit long-winded to be used here. You're left wondering "WHAT brought her (or him, I suppose) to them?" at the end of the stanza.


his time,watching your rosy mouth

and your saccharine eyes draw nearer" -Okay, did a line or two get erased? What's with the hanging "so...his time?" Wait, is it supposed to be "this time"? hmm...that would make sense...

Your use of punctuation is a bit odd as well... "and yet

back you are,from the farthest corners

of the world.or you might as well be;" -Why the heck is that a period? It should be a comma...or possibly a colon...actually, I'm not sure, but it's definitely not a period. Also, the semi-colon at the end is totally pointless. At the best, I think it should be changed to a normal colon, but then again, my colon philosophy is rather strange. (I'm not nearly as knowledgable as I try to seem to be, heh.) I'd go with a period for safety (just in case an errant English teacher catches sight of this. - :P)

So that's all that bothers me...but I'm not sure if the lack of spacing is a style thing, 'cause I see you've got a lot of other stuff, and I'd think that someone would've commented on it by now.

Something I liked (for a change) in particular was "(and i must admit my startled stomach leapt)" because that ALWAYS happens to me when I catch sight of the guy I've...well, been in love with? for about a year. The shortness and simplicity of the poem is beguiling. All that goes on is that the narrator is on a walk in the country and happens by her old love interest, and though she (or he, I try not to offend) loves him, they still wish to be carried away. That's probably not at all how you'd put it, but I don't believe I'm too off the mark.

It seems like it was written in a slight rush to get all the ideas out, and then wasn't properly revised. And the ideas are wonderful, but it'd be nice to read them without all the perplexing little errors around them. So, if you've gotten to this point, sorry about the excessive verbosity, I'm a terrible concrit giver. *points to penname* I just hope I gave you some stuff to chew on. Also, don't feel obliged to read my story- it's terrible, I wrote it years ago. *wonders if that sounded a bit vain-why'd you bother to read my story?* Just a fair warning! Make sure there's nothing better for you to be doing if you think it sounds interesting. Ah well. Off I go to read the rest of your stuff. :)

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