Just In
for A Cross in Three Takes

11/8/2007 c3 7Translucently Opaque
General thoughts: Well written, interesting, and a cool idea overall. I especially like the obvious similarities in the women’s appearances and the consistent format of each story, with the description of the cross and the last bit of dialogue at the end. Actually though, the description of the cross gets kind of monotonous after a while. If you are, in fact, describing it from three different perspectives, then why is it the same in each chapter? It would seem that you should at least change the wording a little bit, like saying ‘leaned’ instead of ‘tilted’ or something. That is my only major criticism. There were some other minor things. I hope you don’t mind that I point them out to you.

Chap. 1: You say that Chris’s eyes rove over Karyn’s drawn face. That would seem to suggest that his eyes were physically moving over her features. It may be better to use different wording. “-his gaze moving over her drawn face-” is one example. In the next sentence, he says ‘we have’, which struck me as a bit too formal for that particular bit of dialogue. That may just be a matter of opinion, though.

Chap. 2 seemed slightly out of place to me. The first and third chapters deal with death, but this one did not. When you mention “squealing brakes, car horns, and shouting”, that may be suggesting the ‘almost’ death of Becka’s dog, but, if so, that I not clearly stated. Also, tomato paste is really quite thick, so rainwater falling on her pulpy, bloody knee wouldn’t end up making anything resembling paste. More like V8 juice. Hmm. Then there’s poetic license. So, I guess it doesn’t have to be completely realistic. Last point for this chapter; how could warm breath be at the back of her neck while Dread’s nose is under her chin?

Chap. 3: Bonny’s statement of “-yes. It was a year ago, also-” struck me as almost ‘rehearsed’ sounding. Something like “-yeah, just like last year-”seems to flow more easily.

Other than those points, this really is a first-rate story. I hope you don’t mind the ridiculous length of my review. Also, I hope you don’t think that I was being overly harsh or derogatory. I enjoyed reading your story very much, but it is my belief that reviews should be used for constructive criticism as much as praise.

Twitter . Help . Sign Up . Cookies . Privacy . Terms of Service