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for Of Knives

3/9/2008 c8 612simpleplan13
-It’s not love I don’t overhear... not love,

-It’s not love, not love, not love the birds.. not a big fan of the repetition

-It’s not love I’m not in love I don’t see sunshine but only dark, no light I see the dark... not liking this line at all... the beginning is repetitive and so is the end... if you dont see sunshine seeing darkness isn't a but its more a given... and the no light is again obvious.. also there needs to be commas or semicolons or periods in the beginning there

-butterflies are really maggots—mimic the essence of rot... really powerful image

-Oh no it’s not love I don’t believe in such a thing it’s really a drawn out lie dressed up to trick me... again something between love and I

-It’s not love. I’m unhappy that you went away not here… you are… not here... again really repetitive...but if you keep it you need some punctuation between away and not

I love how you switch in the second stanza... it's really great... and the piece is easy to relate to and I love the repetition at the end...

PS If your bored check out the Review Game and its Review Marathon (links in my profile)
3/9/2008 c5 simpleplan13
My family are dead...is

You say the family is dead with the rest and then you say they're in unmarked graves.. seemed a bit repetitive.. plus what does time being unkind have to do with them being in unmarked grades?

The desperate and blind eyes I love your impotent love... whose eyes are they.. yours or someone elses... plus thats not a sentence

I like the repetition and I love the simile at the end of the second line... the descriptions in are really creepy and powerful
3/9/2008 c4 simpleplan13
again some really powerful images.. the second line is really interesting... and the line about counting the ribs was very graphic... the part about the music of butterflies was pretty as well.. the only thing is the second to last line seemed way to short with the flow of the rest of the piece... other than that it's a really great piece
3/9/2008 c3 simpleplan13
-I saw her leapt for faith.. it's leaped, but I dont think past tense makes sense here... I think its she leaped but you saw her leap if that makes sense

-I couldn’t save her, it’s her turn to go,.. it was

Ok now you switch into present tense... Im not sure why.. I might look at that

-There’s tranquil in.. tranquility

-I like how the 8th line includes repetition from two different lines, but I think it was too long for the flow

-Bring flowers before I fester there’s light disguised as the unknown./Bring flowers before I fester there’s light disguised as shadows... I think you could just make it unknown shadows and combine the two lines

I like this piece... the images in here are extremely powerful especially in the third and fourth line... really amazing job
3/9/2008 c1 simpleplan13
I love the third line... and some of the pieces of this.. the idea of the winter part is really great.. and the fourth line is a really awesome contrast, but there are some things I didnt like

The first line... I dont get the connection between sleep and winter...

In the second line... between them.. what is them.. is it the seasons? that doesnt make too much sense since it came after, but I like the idea of not telling the difference when it feels the same

The fifth line just seemed to come out of nowhere.. and didnt relate to any other line, plus there's nothing really unique about it

the last line I like everything except the repetition

Anyhow... it's still a really nice piece

PS If your bored check out the Review Game and its Review Marathon (links in my profile)
11/10/2007 c1 50Kristina Suko
A few suggestions:

Make "winter is coming soon" a new line, as well as "summer and winter you feel the same" (and add a comma after Winter). The "Unwillingly" at the end of two verses next to each other is repetitive. Perhaps find another word that means the same? And then separate the double "many times a knife". It will emphasize the repetition as well as making the flow a bit smoother.

It's a chilling little piece, even though you have to read it a few times over to get it all. I like your wording; it sets a dark, lovely tone to the whole thing.

~Maranwe Telrunya
11/7/2007 c1 CandleQueen
I liked the whole thing up until the last line. It just didn't seem to fit, boo. :/

I know it's called of knives, but I would consider making the last line into another poem.

Very good, though.

I like the thought about the birds flying to places of warmth.

Very touching. :)

-Ramen

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