2/3/2008 c1 me
I like the different sections and how within the sections you have the scenes broken up. It works really well with this story and deffinately adds to it. I think that the end section could be a bit longer. I like the end and how it's short and simple, but in a way I feel like it needs a sentece or two. Then again it's all author's prefernce but *shrug* just my opinion.
I really like it though.
-me
I like the different sections and how within the sections you have the scenes broken up. It works really well with this story and deffinately adds to it. I think that the end section could be a bit longer. I like the end and how it's short and simple, but in a way I feel like it needs a sentece or two. Then again it's all author's prefernce but *shrug* just my opinion.
I really like it though.
-me
11/11/2007 c1 3nonaccount
Interesting oneshot. I like how sparse and broken up (over time, I mean) it is.
Interesting oneshot. I like how sparse and broken up (over time, I mean) it is.
11/10/2007 c1 super happy nuclear girl
Well, my, my. This is wonderfully sweet. I like how simple it is, how poignant and lovely the characters are. Its written so softly, sort of like a whisper-story :) I like that you mentioned Poe. Except, yes, he scares me too.
Really. Lovely story :)
Well, my, my. This is wonderfully sweet. I like how simple it is, how poignant and lovely the characters are. Its written so softly, sort of like a whisper-story :) I like that you mentioned Poe. Except, yes, he scares me too.
Really. Lovely story :)
11/6/2007 c1 233kelsi bones
Edits:
I
fourth section, the conversations should say "Hello! My name's Amanda and you are-" not "Hello! My name's Emily and you are—"
sixth section, should say "were waiting at the corner", not "where waiting at the corner"
II
should say "The day before she turns fourteen—he already is-she calls him up at eleven-fifteen at night and tells him she loves him." not "The day before she turns fourteen—he already is—and she calls him up at eleven-fifteen at night and tells him she loves him."
I
should say "them against the world, he still can't get himself to say it" not "them agains the world, he stail can't get himself to say"
IV
the conversation in this section gets confusing:
“…When was the last time you ate a proper meal, anyway?”
“Thanksgiving.”
“It was May.”
“That’s too long! How do you survive! I’m—“
“I don’t.”
it should be more like:
“…When was the last time you ate a proper meal, anyway?”
“Thanksgiving... no, it was May.”
“That’s too long! How do you survive! I’m—“
“I don’t.”
V
should say the "eighth-month" not the "eight-month"
Edits: Done
I really enjoyed reading this. Besides the basic edits, it was very well written. It was really sweet =]
k.X
Edits:
I
fourth section, the conversations should say "Hello! My name's Amanda and you are-" not "Hello! My name's Emily and you are—"
sixth section, should say "were waiting at the corner", not "where waiting at the corner"
II
should say "The day before she turns fourteen—he already is-she calls him up at eleven-fifteen at night and tells him she loves him." not "The day before she turns fourteen—he already is—and she calls him up at eleven-fifteen at night and tells him she loves him."
I
should say "them against the world, he still can't get himself to say it" not "them agains the world, he stail can't get himself to say"
IV
the conversation in this section gets confusing:
“…When was the last time you ate a proper meal, anyway?”
“Thanksgiving.”
“It was May.”
“That’s too long! How do you survive! I’m—“
“I don’t.”
it should be more like:
“…When was the last time you ate a proper meal, anyway?”
“Thanksgiving... no, it was May.”
“That’s too long! How do you survive! I’m—“
“I don’t.”
V
should say the "eighth-month" not the "eight-month"
Edits: Done
I really enjoyed reading this. Besides the basic edits, it was very well written. It was really sweet =]
k.X
11/6/2007 c1 21wecouldgoandget40s
Great story here! It was pretty good. Nice taste in music by the way :) The Cure? Impressive. Just like this story.
Excellent work here.
Great story here! It was pretty good. Nice taste in music by the way :) The Cure? Impressive. Just like this story.
Excellent work here.