for Mafia Child9/12/2014 c1 
4Jitterbug Blues
I like how you start off this fic with the narrator musing how he met Rob: it's very immediate, and it pulled me in, making me want to find out how the relationship developed (I just wanted to know how these two connected to each other). I like your narrative: it's very smooth and natural sounding - minimalist enough to be believable for first person POV and the language is just the kind of you'd expect a teenager to use.
I like that Bobby is such a snotty kid, but not whiny: he's clearly been through dark times, but he doesn't whine, and he's not looking for anyone to mollycuddle him, but just give him a job. He clearly just doesn't want to go back where he came from. I like that, feel intrigued by those hints, because they make me wonder what his background is, and what happened exactly that he chose to run away in the first place. You're making me interested in your plot. I like Rob too - he's clearly helpful and responsible, letting a boy in even if said boy is dirty and injured. It says a lot about him.
4Jitterbug BluesI like how you start off this fic with the narrator musing how he met Rob: it's very immediate, and it pulled me in, making me want to find out how the relationship developed (I just wanted to know how these two connected to each other). I like your narrative: it's very smooth and natural sounding - minimalist enough to be believable for first person POV and the language is just the kind of you'd expect a teenager to use.
I like that Bobby is such a snotty kid, but not whiny: he's clearly been through dark times, but he doesn't whine, and he's not looking for anyone to mollycuddle him, but just give him a job. He clearly just doesn't want to go back where he came from. I like that, feel intrigued by those hints, because they make me wonder what his background is, and what happened exactly that he chose to run away in the first place. You're making me interested in your plot. I like Rob too - he's clearly helpful and responsible, letting a boy in even if said boy is dirty and injured. It says a lot about him.
9/12/2014 c1 9Highway Unicorn
Since you were so kind enough to leave me an additional review:
#MAFIA LIFE HELL YEAH :D
I love anything to do with the mafia, haha.
Ahhh D: So far, this story has really hinted at the shitty life some kids have when they're living on their owns. It's a sad truth, really, and I like that you don't shy away from implying it throughout your writing, such as performing sexual activities for food, running away, feeling perhaps a bit of a burden at the orphanages, etc.
I just really love the idea of his name being Baby...idk, I feel like that's such a...like, ugh, I don't know how to explain other than he must have been the baby for his parents. It just allows me to dwell deeper into who his folks were and to give him such a unique name.
Summary Question: Is this Italian Mafia we're talking about? Or is it another type?
You opened up with a lot of nice imagery, so the only thing I would suggest here is to maybe add some more in towards the bottom half? Only because I found the top half so lovely, you know? :3 I would love to see more of that sprinkled around.
Anyways: A interesting start to Baby's story!
9Highway UnicornSince you were so kind enough to leave me an additional review:
#MAFIA LIFE HELL YEAH :D
I love anything to do with the mafia, haha.
Ahhh D: So far, this story has really hinted at the shitty life some kids have when they're living on their owns. It's a sad truth, really, and I like that you don't shy away from implying it throughout your writing, such as performing sexual activities for food, running away, feeling perhaps a bit of a burden at the orphanages, etc.
I just really love the idea of his name being Baby...idk, I feel like that's such a...like, ugh, I don't know how to explain other than he must have been the baby for his parents. It just allows me to dwell deeper into who his folks were and to give him such a unique name.
Summary Question: Is this Italian Mafia we're talking about? Or is it another type?
You opened up with a lot of nice imagery, so the only thing I would suggest here is to maybe add some more in towards the bottom half? Only because I found the top half so lovely, you know? :3 I would love to see more of that sprinkled around.
Anyways: A interesting start to Baby's story!
9/11/2014 c3 13alltheeagles
For the RG EF
Heh. I like the kink, so sue me! I think what made me like it more than usual is the nonchalant way in which the narrator talks about it, as if it were the most natural thing in the world. It's like he was announcing, "I'm kinky and proud of it!" You go, boy...
Despite knowing nothing about the plot or characters, I still managed to enjoy the chapter, which says something about the writing. I'm intrigued by the 'you' that the MC keeps talking about, and which he so obviously has a crush on. Sounds like 'you' is HOT!
13alltheeaglesFor the RG EF
Heh. I like the kink, so sue me! I think what made me like it more than usual is the nonchalant way in which the narrator talks about it, as if it were the most natural thing in the world. It's like he was announcing, "I'm kinky and proud of it!" You go, boy...
Despite knowing nothing about the plot or characters, I still managed to enjoy the chapter, which says something about the writing. I'm intrigued by the 'you' that the MC keeps talking about, and which he so obviously has a crush on. Sounds like 'you' is HOT!
9/10/2014 c3 deadaccount2019
Coming into this without previous knowledge of the story, I'd have to say I like how you open the chapter. My first reaction is I want to go back and find out what led to his unpleasant awakening. Given the story's summary the opening made several possibilities jumped out at me and really piqued my interest.
The writing could use some cleaning and tightening up. There are times when things feel too wordy (some examples: "that was reminisc...70s porn." or adding 'expressionlessly' to Sasha's nod.) It makes the reading feel a bit more long-winded than it needs to be and makes the writing more telling than showing. I also noticed that most of the paragraphs involving dialogue start with the dialogue. It would help balance the reading if some of the paragraphs where rearranged so that dialogue occurs in other spots within the paragraph.
Coming into this without previous knowledge of the story, I'd have to say I like how you open the chapter. My first reaction is I want to go back and find out what led to his unpleasant awakening. Given the story's summary the opening made several possibilities jumped out at me and really piqued my interest.
The writing could use some cleaning and tightening up. There are times when things feel too wordy (some examples: "that was reminisc...70s porn." or adding 'expressionlessly' to Sasha's nod.) It makes the reading feel a bit more long-winded than it needs to be and makes the writing more telling than showing. I also noticed that most of the paragraphs involving dialogue start with the dialogue. It would help balance the reading if some of the paragraphs where rearranged so that dialogue occurs in other spots within the paragraph.