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4/10/2008 c2 1A. M. Herr
Perhaps a little cliche, but most stories are old stories switched up with a different spinon things and different characters...I always joke around with my mom that is anyone can actually come up with an idea that has never ever been done before, they shoudl be immediately published and aired on international news right away. XP

This one isn't half bad. Though it's full of fragments, it's funny so it works well in my opinion. ^_^
2/7/2008 c2 MeiLeeCalifornia
Ok, finally getting to return reviews, so sorry! Lol, the classic meet by ramming into the guy :D I always liked guys with dark hair and blue or green eyes, the contrast is amazing!
12/26/2007 c1 3Elavielle
Nice beginning, this definitely sounds interesting.

Just try to elaborate a bit more:)

update soon!
12/20/2007 c1 9Lerene
sounds like a good story. can't wait to read more.
12/18/2007 c1 8Written
Mmk. Not bad at all. I would just like to say that your friendly tone is pretty great, although the talking to the audience thing can get kind of weird after a while, so you could tone that down.

In response to the person who told you that "white" should be "caucasian", I would be careful about using that term, since caucasian means absolutely NOTHING outside of the united states, and is not used to refer to skin color. additionally, I don't think you should use italics when voicing the main character's thoughts, as you're already in the first person narrative. the whole thing is her thoughts!

that's just what I thought in response to one of the reviews.

You do have some grammar errors, but it's nothing serious. I think the major issues would just be that it was REALLY short and since it's only one chapter, I'm not really into the story yet.
11/30/2007 c1 MeiLeeCalifornia
You have a very casual tone in your style of writing, which can be appealing for readers in making them feel like it's just a normal girl they can relate to. Jia you! (mandarin)
11/25/2007 c1 148tangledwebweweave
Okay. You had some grammar errors and run on sentences. If she thinks to herself, you italize it. The plot was good, but it was jumpy and such. I'd like you to elaborate on it.

I have to go now, but if you want an editor, I can be it.

See my story (Love-ly Blossoms, NOT 513) for the grammar and speech and stuff that I'm talking about.

Peace (to the world). Keep writing! :D
11/24/2007 c1 7Cittywolf
Right. The grammers a bit off and your beginning doesn't draw attention immediately to your story.

The sassy girl story is a bit plaid out, although I can't say much because I have a story like that, too.

Also I think your timelines a bit wonky.

I like it, though.

Please come an read one of my stories.

11/20/2007 c1 8Barbados

When yo usay he is White, do mean as in caucasian? Or do you mean he's, like white, almost blindingly, glowy white? If it's the former, I'd recommend saying caucasian. If it's the latter, then elaborate on it.

More than one of your reviewers has mentioned the mis-capitalizations, so I wonder why they aren't fixed yet.

Whenever you list more than two things, you need commas to separate them (except the last item in the list, which usually uses the word 'and' in place of a comma.)

"I scream so loud... looking[,] laughing and pointing..."

There are also some spelling errors still, but a lot of them are still words, so a normal spell-checker won't catch them.

Saved since she was 10 to buy a Mercedes at 16? Holy crap, that's some allowance! You're talking about a close to 70k dollar car. Don't hate, fine, but it seems a little silly to me, honestly.

"Who is Ms.Banks you ask..." A) Still has not been corrected for space between Ms. and Banks. B) is a run-on sentence, and needs to be made into two complete sentences. Or five. Or one, but just not as is.

It appears part of your end A/N is still within the body of the story.

As for plot, you should definately work on that before you post too much more. Take it from someone who knows (aka, me) that if you just start writing, you'll eventually end up with a part of the story where you go 'wait, this doesn't work, because back here such and such happened... but, I can change this... gah, doing that means I have to chagne such and such over HERE.."... or myabe that's just me. :P

Anyway, good luck, don't give up! Read ya later!
11/18/2007 c1 1Galavia Anaryi
Really good! Unlike a lot of other stories, I feel like I can actually relate to the character. If I were you I would try to use second person a little less. A lot of people find it kinda weird when the main character starts talking to them a lot, even if it is written in first person...

Great story. I'm looking forward to the next chapter!
11/16/2007 c1 1dropping dew
You had a lot of grammar/spelling mistakes, but once you get past those your story's good. I'll probably keep reading just because your main character seems interesting. As for the dream, no I've never had one like that. However, I do get this uncontrolable urge to make sure I'm wearing pants on my way to school everyday.
11/13/2007 c1 4ladyglaze
Alright, to begin. Before you post another chapter, make sure you read over you work real well because I found a lot of typos and typos are expected but keep that in mind.

On another note, you had some words capitalized that shouldn't have been and the teacher's name, Ms. Banks, always remember to separate them. You had it like this: Ms.Banks. And at the end of a couple sentences you put the period then didn't space between each sentence.

Other than that, I liked it, good job. :)

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