Just In
Community
Forum
V
More
for 100 kinds of Mutt

12/17/2007 c1 30Honey Nut Loop and m-j
Anything that gets the creative juices going is time well spent.

This particular pieaces started really well but seemed to trail off in the last few paragraphs as though your mind were already busy with the next challenge piece.

Intriguing ending however. What exactly does he want them tolisten to?
12/14/2007 c6 M.D.Irvine
btw im reviewing as i read. so no one caught the first red blip on the backpack light, im sure danger is coming. ooh cool u used the triangle as an insignia

hmm whats BZ, MRE? i mean it makes sense as a force theyd be using acronyms but hopefully we'll figure out what it means

oh they have company? hope they live through it
12/14/2007 c5 M.D.Irvine
wait so the Mutt attacked the guard. i thot the boy and the old man didnt believe they existed. curious. im not a doctor or sick twisted freak so sorry i cant help you with the intestine stuff
12/14/2007 c4 M.D.Irvine
whoa what was the product that all the countries were lining up for? (whatever it was gave a mournful howl ohoh) im proud of you using the words to from this compilation. it's definitely much harder than first line generators probably hy i copped out of that one sh dont tell.
12/14/2007 c3 M.D.Irvine
hmm riding a dragon with a gun in his hand trying to find heat seekers (mutts that dont exist)lol i like when the old man goes at least when he finally does get back to civilization, he'll have a better appreciation of beauty.

Then the boy's pov talks about how mutts dont exist but they are both sitting there in the heat. well the dragon's are real. hehe

lol dragon's are real and he still plans on frenching the brunette that works near his house lol sorry the ending cracked me up. there are just some things you have to do before you die.

The thoughts of the two different generations cracked me up :)

curious, do u think my fics lack emotion or have way too much thought?
12/14/2007 c2 M.D.Irvine
interesting depiction. im thinking this is the mouse-monkey embryo. im glad of the distinction between the doctors and scientists here.

however wouldnt it have been the scientists who ignored the mother feeling that they had succeeded while the doctors given the baby back to the mother... i dunno that was my only problem with it. i think they switched roles.
12/14/2007 c1 M.D.Irvine
i shall start by apologizing for my reviews coming so late. i have finally gotten myself to read (no easy feat i assure you being so brain dead from finals that all i want to do is sleep)

anyhow i like how your character names suit the image of the character and the personality (all i keep coming up with is Ian and Dave hehe and even worse i didnt realize it)

yeah so Lidlum interested in the mistakes, the experiments made me shudder (revolting was a good word), mouse and monkey brain matter i dont even want to know how you thought of that. What does prehensile mean? (i should check that out cos i actually have no clue gasps)

I like how the language is sciency and suits the story and the MC

OHoh what does Lidlum have in mind?
12/13/2007 c6 1checkbookstub
"But after over two years of looking for something that wasn’t there, waiting for the light bulb that would never light up." - sentence seems like its missing a second half.

"Their dragons were surrounding the perimeter of the camp..." there's that sneaky "to be" verb in there again. Could be, "Their dragons surrounded the perimeter of the camp..."

That's all I've got. : )
12/13/2007 c5 checkbookstub
"The guard was screaming and the sound was piercing his sensitive hears."

was was ~ it's not passive voice, but it reads strange to me (I've pestered you about this before) To me it sounds better to say:

"The guard was screaming and the sound pierced his sensitive ears" (oh lol there's an extra letter on ears there that I didn't even notice until just now.)

You do use "was" a lot in this and I think you can replace some of it with different verbs to make it more active. Like rather than, "It was a beautiful feeling," to "It felt beautiful."

Personal preference of course!

I don't know what intestines smell like and I don't really want to know! But I think you've captured a nice image here. I like that it's got a tactile element as well without being explicit (rice is kinda gloppy and sticky).
12/13/2007 c4 checkbookstub
Here to be your fairy grammar witch~

Missing a period after the first "Yes sir"

Should "Yes sir" have a comma? "Yes, sir." I think it should. After all, you do put one in “Magnificent, sir.” There's some named comma rule for it but I'm horrible remembering the names of the rules.

omg Forbes be following me.

“Not even done and they’re falling over themselves..." can you specify "they"? last 'they' was the critters but I think you mean the client countries.

Like the line: "Ah, the sweetness of his children. It was almost too much. He took a deep breath and let it out with a happy sigh." I know exactly how he feels, and its nicely phrased.

I like your spin on the prompts... when I try to do them I am always too literal. I should make a more serious effort to do the challenge.
11/17/2007 c3 checkbookstub
These are really cool. It kinda feels like I've wandered into some old abandoned facility and in the bottom drawer of some three-legged desk standing in the middle of an otherwise empty room are all these assorted loose sheets, memories of what happened in the building before... before it was abandoned. These are those notes, little clues, snapshots of the past. That was the immediate impression I got.

One little thing I noticed...

There are a couple times you say "seem" -

"For every successful outcome of an experiment, it seemed as though there had been a thousand failures." (1)

"He can't seem to take the time to appreciate..." (3) (maybe instead, "He doesn't take the time...")

"Seem" creates the conditions for a contradiction. Like, "It may seem like the town Matt lives in is a modern Elysian fields, but in fact it's a regular Dullsville."

But the times you use it, I don't really see that contradiction... Or another definition is like it appeared. Like, "It seems like Matt lives in Dullsville" (it appears like matt...) - that is, that is how it appears but I'm not sure if that's how it actually is. But when it's used in narrative, the audience may not have enough information to know which it is. Like in the second: "He can't seem to take the time to appreciate" - does this suggest that he does actually, but it doesn't appear that way to the narrator? Or do you really mean that he directly doesn't (or that that is the old man's take on the situation)? Does that make sense or did I just confuse myself.

lol seem is one of those words where if you say it too many times it suddenly sounds totally ridiculous. words r weird.

Seems (rofl i'm kind of a hypocritical ass) like a fun project - look forward to reading more! : D

(would it be helpful to you for me to point out any little things I see? Or are you sick of my picky whining yet?)

~C

Twitter . Help . Sign Up . Cookies . Privacy . Terms of Service