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6/3/2009 c1 eskimoxisses
XP yeah, twaz pretty funny actually.

I adore the lightsavers epic battle.

and the cliched skeleton...

It was good. :B
5/4/2009 c1 4B. J. Winters
This was cute. Enjoyed it.
3/1/2008 c1 Tess R. Dickey
Brilliant! *is back*

Hilarious towards the end.

So... how are you doin'?
11/30/2007 c1 MoonfireSpam23
Interesting, but you need to remember a few things.

1) Use quotations when someone speaks. EX: "I don't remember."

2)DON'T GIVE UP ON YOUR STORY LIKE THAT! If it needs to be two chapters, then MAKE IT TWO CHAPTERS.

3) It was a good story (and I now understand why you shortened it), but I suggest revising the ending to describe it better.
11/30/2007 c1 24firebenderZula
I hate cliches so much like royality. If you were to assemble a ramdom bunch of people, you would get a bunch of average people. I didn't read the whole story, but you use the words "was" and "were" too frequently which is borring passive tone.

They were talking, or The food was eaten by them.

They talked, or They ate the food.

The active voice sounds a lot better.

I'm very sorry that you can't see my writings, because I refuse to put my newest writings online. Remember use quotation makes to start and finish dialongue. Lin said to his friends," I want to see the movie." Remember "said" is borring use it sparringly. Use others like shouted, screamed, whispered, asked, questioned, conselled, sung, commanded, ect. Avoid fantasy cliches like the plague, but only if they are useful in the plot. Sorry for my long review on how to better your writing.
11/30/2007 c1 4Undecided.And.Confused
This is actually quite good, but before posting it on fiction press you could have developed it a little bit more. I like the humor, and the silliness, and the ridiculousness. But he end just seems like you almost gave up on the story. I think this can become much more. Out wise I really like it.

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