Just In
Community
Forum
V
More
for Slate

9/26/2008 c2 13Marie St. John
Another well written chapter too. Very interesting scene and new characters. Again you described everything very well and it all fit into one flowing mood. There was only one typo where you were talking about the blonde's hair, you said 'the rode' where I think you meant 'that rode'. Minor, hardly noticed. Otherwise everything else was spelled right and had a comfortable tense - this was really easy to read, which is always a pleasure. I did this for the Reveiw Game, but it turns out I'm going to put this on my watch and fave list. Hope to read more soon :)

- Aranel
9/26/2008 c1 Marie St. John
Wow, very good. The first paragraph had me hooked, wondering why they were moving to the Lake, and I like how subtly you communicated the reason. Charlie is a winner. I automatically like him and I got a vivid picture of the character by his mannerisms and then his reaction to Sean. Another winner. He seems like a wiseass - which I love. This looks like an interesting friendship, the homo part was a hoot, and a hook! I would definitely continue reading this. A great way to leave off a prologue.
12/10/2007 c1 4Imalefty
review game!

i really like this beginning. it's really simple, and it develops both characters really well. your writing is nice and smooth - there aren't any big errors and everything is clean and easy to read. you don't put too much flowery stuff, but the descriptions aren't too sparse.

i also like the idea - although it's been used before, it feels fresh.

even though the two prologues are supposed to be in one, it doesn't feel choppy... :)

great job so far... i can't quite find anything that i don't like! you've set the stage... can't wait to see where you go with it! keep writing!

-Lefty
12/8/2007 c1 4Otaku42
I really like the voice of the story. The character really seems to come alive and makes the piece seem much less formal...

..."meant that he had nothing left"- really love that line.

..."I guess it had to do with not having anyone..." It sounds just a little awkward- a rewording is all you'll probably need.

...The Lake? Sounds very intriguing. Bet you anything there's a good story behind it- I think.

..."rabbit springing merrily off"- you might want to switch 'merrily' and 'off', to make it run a little smoother.

...Really like the description of Sean- you even managed to sneak in a few details about the protagonist, too.

...The land far beyond the Lake? Sounds almost mystical.

..."eyes were grey and shone in an odd way." Again, another little bit I really liked.

...And Sean has now gone skinny-dipping. I can see where this is going. :P

..."And that's how our friendship started..." Really love this last line.

Gotta say, I don't read too many romantic stories, but this one sounds like fun. I like the setting, and the humor blends in with the story perfectly. I look forward to reading the rest of this.

~Otaku42
12/5/2007 c2 4SilverMouth
Once again, very good. I like this chapter more.

One critique: "Gunna" should be "Gonna," I think. I believe the latter is an actual word.
12/5/2007 c1 SilverMouth
Hmm I like this so far. A lot, actually. Maybe it's because I have a soft spot for the name Charlie, but it's real good. I like the tone. My only suggestion would be that the beginning is a bit choppy and rushed. I'll keep reading!

Twitter . Help . Sign Up . Cookies . Privacy . Terms of Service