for The Icicle3/16/2008 c1 
224Ryan Schiff
I don't like the drips, but when I reread the poem without them it works better.
I think you use the world "hurt/hurting/hurts" too much when there are many better words for it.
Theres a grammar mistake in the second long line (no period before the "as if")
The imagery is really good, all up until the last line... I just don't know if the last line packs the kind of punch that you need it too. Overall the poem has a strong emotion to it but the last line is sort of lackluster. The poem may well work just fine without it.
I think this has the makings of a great poem but it needs a bit of work before it is really "there". It could really be great if you touched it up a bit.
224Ryan SchiffI don't like the drips, but when I reread the poem without them it works better.
I think you use the world "hurt/hurting/hurts" too much when there are many better words for it.
Theres a grammar mistake in the second long line (no period before the "as if")
The imagery is really good, all up until the last line... I just don't know if the last line packs the kind of punch that you need it too. Overall the poem has a strong emotion to it but the last line is sort of lackluster. The poem may well work just fine without it.
I think this has the makings of a great poem but it needs a bit of work before it is really "there". It could really be great if you touched it up a bit.