for The Star Warrior2/3/2009 c1 
7Samantha Marie Haven
This first chapter is extremely vivid. You focus a lot on the setting of things, and really take the time to describe it all the way through, addressing it as something important-which I appreciate, as many don't do that. Your attention to description kind of reminds me of myself, except you haven't fallen into the trap of wordiness (as i do). In other words, I enjoyed the description, particularly of the setting.
You don't describe the character's looks much (i don't either), but at least you do a good job of getting into her head (and Hugo's too, i suppose). But some readers-including me a bit, though i don't care as much-are really going to be bothered by the fact that there isn't much about the way these characters look. maybe they aren't the main heros of the rest of the story (i'm not sure), but an idea of the characters would be nice. Is Nathalie slim, small, fragile looking? Or tall with an air of idependence? The actions obviously do a lot in getting this across, but even just an idea as to how Nathalie and Hugo are seen through other's eyes (maybe each others' is a good idea). But i understand this might be going against everything you're trying to set up-maybe you want this beginning more mysterious? in that case, I think it's going pretty good. Because it is mysterious. Especially with the setting involved.
I have a character with amethyst eyes inherited from her mother-gotta love that pure violet color.
Oh, and I was a bit confused about the pain in her stomach than the infant bundled in warm robes. I had to reread it, because i thought maybe she was giving birth, but it didn't make much sense that the baby would be pre-bundled, and...I don't know, maybe i'm just stupid, but perhaps there's a better way to word it-i'm not even sure if I'm getting any of this right, that's how confused I was with that. Was she giving birth? Or was the pain from something else and the baby was already in her arms?
Hmm...I can't really think of any really hardcore criticism to give...I didn't notice any major problems aside from what i just said. The flow was good, and the dive right into her feelings (her pain) was done well, too. I guess that's all for now.
oh, and i love the fact that Hugh was all ready with his gun to kill her. Not that i love murder, but...well, what you said in the author's note: the power of love!
happy writing!
7Samantha Marie HavenThis first chapter is extremely vivid. You focus a lot on the setting of things, and really take the time to describe it all the way through, addressing it as something important-which I appreciate, as many don't do that. Your attention to description kind of reminds me of myself, except you haven't fallen into the trap of wordiness (as i do). In other words, I enjoyed the description, particularly of the setting.
You don't describe the character's looks much (i don't either), but at least you do a good job of getting into her head (and Hugo's too, i suppose). But some readers-including me a bit, though i don't care as much-are really going to be bothered by the fact that there isn't much about the way these characters look. maybe they aren't the main heros of the rest of the story (i'm not sure), but an idea of the characters would be nice. Is Nathalie slim, small, fragile looking? Or tall with an air of idependence? The actions obviously do a lot in getting this across, but even just an idea as to how Nathalie and Hugo are seen through other's eyes (maybe each others' is a good idea). But i understand this might be going against everything you're trying to set up-maybe you want this beginning more mysterious? in that case, I think it's going pretty good. Because it is mysterious. Especially with the setting involved.
I have a character with amethyst eyes inherited from her mother-gotta love that pure violet color.
Oh, and I was a bit confused about the pain in her stomach than the infant bundled in warm robes. I had to reread it, because i thought maybe she was giving birth, but it didn't make much sense that the baby would be pre-bundled, and...I don't know, maybe i'm just stupid, but perhaps there's a better way to word it-i'm not even sure if I'm getting any of this right, that's how confused I was with that. Was she giving birth? Or was the pain from something else and the baby was already in her arms?
Hmm...I can't really think of any really hardcore criticism to give...I didn't notice any major problems aside from what i just said. The flow was good, and the dive right into her feelings (her pain) was done well, too. I guess that's all for now.
oh, and i love the fact that Hugh was all ready with his gun to kill her. Not that i love murder, but...well, what you said in the author's note: the power of love!
happy writing!
2/19/2008 c1 Orual
It's been a long time since I've read any real fantasy. I was pleasently surprised by this. I really did enjoy it. This world is clearly not Earth, but it's not so foreign that it is overwhelming, and that is the balance that is difficult to strike in fantasy.
When you went from the baby's mother to Hugo, though, you meant for there to be a time lapse. The way the page is formatted, that time lapse didn't quite register. If you put some sort of page divider between the two scenes, it would be a bit clearer and make easily deceived readers such as myself more alert to what's going on.
A few suggestions, because I'm an editor at heart and that's what I do:
"...as she made to lay." - At first, I thought the woman was going to lie down, which would mean "lay" should be "lie." After reading it again, I think you may have been talking about the baby, but up to that point, you had not made any reference to her.
"But, that meant little to him now..." - I don't like comma after "but." Yeah, I'm picky.
And your last sentence: "It only took a moment, but in that moment it was sure: the girl child would become Harrigan Brakendos, daughter to Hugo and Nathalie Brakendos, and would live at the farm next to the forest." There's actually nothing wrong with this, but it's such a powerful sentence structure and it just seems like you could have done more with it, especially since this is the line that makes the reader click "next." I was looking for something more like: "It only took a moment, but in that moment it was sure: the girl child would be Harrigan Brakendos, daughter to Hugo and Nathalie Brakendos, who live at the farm next to the forest, and ."
I'll have to read the rest of the story later; I'm interested to see where you go. Nice work.
It's been a long time since I've read any real fantasy. I was pleasently surprised by this. I really did enjoy it. This world is clearly not Earth, but it's not so foreign that it is overwhelming, and that is the balance that is difficult to strike in fantasy.
When you went from the baby's mother to Hugo, though, you meant for there to be a time lapse. The way the page is formatted, that time lapse didn't quite register. If you put some sort of page divider between the two scenes, it would be a bit clearer and make easily deceived readers such as myself more alert to what's going on.
A few suggestions, because I'm an editor at heart and that's what I do:
"...as she made to lay." - At first, I thought the woman was going to lie down, which would mean "lay" should be "lie." After reading it again, I think you may have been talking about the baby, but up to that point, you had not made any reference to her.
"But, that meant little to him now..." - I don't like comma after "but." Yeah, I'm picky.
And your last sentence: "It only took a moment, but in that moment it was sure: the girl child would become Harrigan Brakendos, daughter to Hugo and Nathalie Brakendos, and would live at the farm next to the forest." There's actually nothing wrong with this, but it's such a powerful sentence structure and it just seems like you could have done more with it, especially since this is the line that makes the reader click "next." I was looking for something more like: "It only took a moment, but in that moment it was sure: the girl child would be Harrigan Brakendos, daughter to Hugo and Nathalie Brakendos, who live at the farm next to the forest, and ."
I'll have to read the rest of the story later; I'm interested to see where you go. Nice work.
2/3/2008 c1 5Vermone
Hey. At first glance you're going to think: That's a hell of a list! But don't be alarmed. I really like this piece and your writting to so good that I felt it necessary to help you a little. So, the following is a list of *minor* points I think you should incorporate. You write fantastically well and have great command over your description. Really enjoyed reading it. So, here goes:
1. "The dull pulse of hot pain made her legs tingle" - I would remove the "of hot pain" as you've described the woman as being in pain repeatedly and "hot" doesn't really work.
2. "at the mercy of anyone or thing" - You need to make this "anyone or anything." It just flows better.
3. "she found her way to a small stream...the woman fell to her knees along the stream" - Again, you've already mentiones the stream so perhaps choose a different word. Maybe riverbed? Or maybe something better.
4. "She looked down at the parcel. Amethyst eyes met her own" - Parcel is cute but you've already called the child it and it worked better the first time. Also, this should be one sentence not two.
5. "So along the..." - Maybe change this to "The woman moved along the base of a dark crackling oak, living the small brown package..." I'm not sure if you've changed tense but it doesn't meet the same standard as the rest of you piece.
6. This seems like two scenes so maybe add a divider or something before "It could have been ten minutes..." You've changed focus from the woman so it needs it.
7. "But, that meant little to him..." - Take out the comma, it makes for an awkward pause.
8. "The dark advanced on him then, thickened and congealed around him..." - This doesn't quite make sense to me. Also, this sentence appears very long at it stands out a bit from the rest of your superb writing.
9. "Shifty winds rustled the leaves eerily above him; leaves became" - Again, you've used leaves twice. You need something different in there to make it flow.
10. "“Listen,” his deep voice echoed off the trees." - Who's he talking too?
11. "in fine purple robes wriggled helpless" - I think this should be helplessly.
12. "his eyes darting into the depths of the now relenting dark" - I think this should be darkness.
13. "It only took a moment, but in that moment it was sure" - Again, you've used moment twice. Perhaps try "but in that instance, it was sure:"
Fantastic story, keep it up!
5VermoneHey. At first glance you're going to think: That's a hell of a list! But don't be alarmed. I really like this piece and your writting to so good that I felt it necessary to help you a little. So, the following is a list of *minor* points I think you should incorporate. You write fantastically well and have great command over your description. Really enjoyed reading it. So, here goes:
1. "The dull pulse of hot pain made her legs tingle" - I would remove the "of hot pain" as you've described the woman as being in pain repeatedly and "hot" doesn't really work.
2. "at the mercy of anyone or thing" - You need to make this "anyone or anything." It just flows better.
3. "she found her way to a small stream...the woman fell to her knees along the stream" - Again, you've already mentiones the stream so perhaps choose a different word. Maybe riverbed? Or maybe something better.
4. "She looked down at the parcel. Amethyst eyes met her own" - Parcel is cute but you've already called the child it and it worked better the first time. Also, this should be one sentence not two.
5. "So along the..." - Maybe change this to "The woman moved along the base of a dark crackling oak, living the small brown package..." I'm not sure if you've changed tense but it doesn't meet the same standard as the rest of you piece.
6. This seems like two scenes so maybe add a divider or something before "It could have been ten minutes..." You've changed focus from the woman so it needs it.
7. "But, that meant little to him..." - Take out the comma, it makes for an awkward pause.
8. "The dark advanced on him then, thickened and congealed around him..." - This doesn't quite make sense to me. Also, this sentence appears very long at it stands out a bit from the rest of your superb writing.
9. "Shifty winds rustled the leaves eerily above him; leaves became" - Again, you've used leaves twice. You need something different in there to make it flow.
10. "“Listen,” his deep voice echoed off the trees." - Who's he talking too?
11. "in fine purple robes wriggled helpless" - I think this should be helplessly.
12. "his eyes darting into the depths of the now relenting dark" - I think this should be darkness.
13. "It only took a moment, but in that moment it was sure" - Again, you've used moment twice. Perhaps try "but in that instance, it was sure:"
Fantastic story, keep it up!
1/16/2008 c4 34SunsetOrchids
whoa. You've got a really good story going on! I really don't have much of anything to critique :)
I do know though that I'm very intrigued to see where they're all going to end up!
I love how you write though, how you make the characters question themselves, such as Nathalie. It keeps them human; lots of people who write tend to stop doing that after a while, and it gets irritating when the human element is cut out.
Hope to see more soon!
-jimenarocker
34SunsetOrchidswhoa. You've got a really good story going on! I really don't have much of anything to critique :)
I do know though that I'm very intrigued to see where they're all going to end up!
I love how you write though, how you make the characters question themselves, such as Nathalie. It keeps them human; lots of people who write tend to stop doing that after a while, and it gets irritating when the human element is cut out.
Hope to see more soon!
-jimenarocker
12/31/2007 c4 16right2reality
Okay, first things first- Chapter 3 ReDeux definitely does work better. I think the new ending kind of blurs the whole 'it was all a dream' idea (though I thought that the original was already great!)
Next, chapter 4 is yet another tres bien chapter! That imagery at the start though was... very disturbing.
Oh, that Nathan is a... Gr! (I had originally used multiple swear words -to great effect I thought- but yeah, I think 'gr' sums it up without the obscenities.) I hope he gets his commupence! I really like how you are showing past moments to your characters' lives, I think they help with understanding your story and how vast it actually is.
(*sigh*) I hate to do it again but... there's one thing wrong I think. In Chapter 3 I'm pretty sure Harrigan said to Victoria that she and Theodore had been friends since 'we all were five' yet Chapter 4 kinda... well, it contrasts this. Sorry, but I've got an over zealous memory.
One FINAL thing... how old is Harrigan in Chapter 3?
As ever, update soon!
-Right2reality.
16right2realityOkay, first things first- Chapter 3 ReDeux definitely does work better. I think the new ending kind of blurs the whole 'it was all a dream' idea (though I thought that the original was already great!)
Next, chapter 4 is yet another tres bien chapter! That imagery at the start though was... very disturbing.
Oh, that Nathan is a... Gr! (I had originally used multiple swear words -to great effect I thought- but yeah, I think 'gr' sums it up without the obscenities.) I hope he gets his commupence! I really like how you are showing past moments to your characters' lives, I think they help with understanding your story and how vast it actually is.
(*sigh*) I hate to do it again but... there's one thing wrong I think. In Chapter 3 I'm pretty sure Harrigan said to Victoria that she and Theodore had been friends since 'we all were five' yet Chapter 4 kinda... well, it contrasts this. Sorry, but I've got an over zealous memory.
One FINAL thing... how old is Harrigan in Chapter 3?
As ever, update soon!
-Right2reality.
12/26/2007 c3 right2reality
Man, I really like your writing style! Nice little bit of character development in this chapter. I like how Harrigan seems very down to earth and I think you have created (so far anyway!) a very real character that can be related to.
Um... one tiny little eenzy... tiny (yes, my vocabulary is that good) thing though: despite the fact that I liked the scene at the end and its inherent mystery- and it definitely provokes intrigue- the notion of 'I woke up/ it was all a dream' is very generic and so overdone.
But apart from that, I thought it was great.
Again, update soOn!
-Right2reality
Man, I really like your writing style! Nice little bit of character development in this chapter. I like how Harrigan seems very down to earth and I think you have created (so far anyway!) a very real character that can be related to.
Um... one tiny little eenzy... tiny (yes, my vocabulary is that good) thing though: despite the fact that I liked the scene at the end and its inherent mystery- and it definitely provokes intrigue- the notion of 'I woke up/ it was all a dream' is very generic and so overdone.
But apart from that, I thought it was great.
Again, update soOn!
-Right2reality
12/15/2007 c2 34SunsetOrchids
Aah, the ending (so far) was really sweet! I really like this so far, it's not sickly-sweet, and it doesn't convey a sense of anyone who is too good for the world yet. I always dislike stories in which the main character, or the characters around them seem either too powerful or too weak to do anything. I like the mood you're putting in, too. It's dark, but there's always at least one light thing wedged into the plot, like the last sentence^^ If that doesn't play on emotions then I haven't a clue what does, because you worded it beautifully!
34SunsetOrchidsAah, the ending (so far) was really sweet! I really like this so far, it's not sickly-sweet, and it doesn't convey a sense of anyone who is too good for the world yet. I always dislike stories in which the main character, or the characters around them seem either too powerful or too weak to do anything. I like the mood you're putting in, too. It's dark, but there's always at least one light thing wedged into the plot, like the last sentence^^ If that doesn't play on emotions then I haven't a clue what does, because you worded it beautifully!
12/15/2007 c2 16right2reality
Now, I'll admit that not many fics can catch my wandering attention for more than a few half-read sentences; but I thought that this one was great. I like how you paint a detailed picture that obviously resides clearly in your head. You also capture a sense of realistic feeling that doesn's seem forced or fake, that I find rare in many stories... including my own!
Update son!
-Your friendly neighbourhood right2reality.
16right2realityNow, I'll admit that not many fics can catch my wandering attention for more than a few half-read sentences; but I thought that this one was great. I like how you paint a detailed picture that obviously resides clearly in your head. You also capture a sense of realistic feeling that doesn's seem forced or fake, that I find rare in many stories... including my own!
Update son!
-Your friendly neighbourhood right2reality.
12/15/2007 c2 13Erikslittleangel13
Oh, this chapter was so touching at the end! Again, I love the detailing, and how you make every sentence seem original and amazing. You must put a lot of time and hard work into this story.
Very well done.
PLease update soon
Your forever faithful reader,
EriksLittleAngel13
13Erikslittleangel13Oh, this chapter was so touching at the end! Again, I love the detailing, and how you make every sentence seem original and amazing. You must put a lot of time and hard work into this story.
Very well done.
PLease update soon
Your forever faithful reader,
EriksLittleAngel13
12/5/2007 c1 10awilla the hun
A little short, but with excellent descriptions. I try to describe as well, but not in as much detail. I apologise for the blatant self advertising, but then again I am a student of business.
Keep it up!
10awilla the hunA little short, but with excellent descriptions. I try to describe as well, but not in as much detail. I apologise for the blatant self advertising, but then again I am a student of business.
Keep it up!
12/5/2007 c1 13Erikslittleangel13
I do not think that I have read a story this detailed in a while. I absolutely loved it. I was completely taken into the story and I could picture everything that was happening. You definitely have a great talent for writing. Maybe though, if you could the next chapter could be just a tad bit longer?
Please update when you have the time.
Your forever faithful reader,
EriksLittleAngel13
13Erikslittleangel13I do not think that I have read a story this detailed in a while. I absolutely loved it. I was completely taken into the story and I could picture everything that was happening. You definitely have a great talent for writing. Maybe though, if you could the next chapter could be just a tad bit longer?
Please update when you have the time.
Your forever faithful reader,
EriksLittleAngel13