12/5/2007 c1 102Midnight In Eden
Technical things first. Punctuation: revise it. I'll let you know how I think it should be done. Colon at the end of line three of stanza one, period after line two of stanza two, semi colon after line three of stanza two, instead of the "and" on line four of stanza three it should be a period. Not bad but little bits that help the read. Ditto for line breaks. They feel awkward and contribute to an off beat rhythm. Read this aloud and see what you think.

There's also a number of words you could easily do without. Try "twirling" instead of "as we twirl". "Onto" isn't necessary on line two of stanza two. Try "that" instead of "Your" on line four of stanza two. "At" instead of "Come" on line one of stanza three.

Adjectives. You use a few and that's fine and this is really a pet peeve (that a lot of poets I know share but whatever). Don't double up adjectives. If you can not use them at all that's even better because it means you're working harder to think of a more creative noun. In importance creative nouns trump adjective+noun and both are much better than adjective+adjective+noun. Try to be as specific and vivid as possible.

All of this said, it's not bad. It's certainly not as terrible as some of the crap on this site but there are definite areas for improvement.

Oh and as a last note, to get stanzas on here go to quick edit/preview after you upload the story. Backspace all the little breaks that FP makes then enter in carefully your own breaks. That should work, if it doesn't let me know).

Otherwise, good luck.

Midnight