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9/7/2010 c1 mdirvine
esse- Zoot Suit? Am I right?

How are things with you? Writing? Will we see something else on fp during NaNo?

Maj
5/1/2008 c6 11EldestMushroom
no...way...

am i actually reviewing just one chapter? im not giving you one massive make-up review!

i have really stopped caring about my grades, haven't i?

anyway, lets take a journey through chapter 6 together!

i think ive told you before how i like bane's more simplistic narrative- and i still do, don't get me wrong- but be careful it doesn't turn into a lecture to the reader. like when you're introducing sword... "Sword was a cripple. One of his legs was twisted out until he could barely walk on it. " if you cut out the first sentence, readers still know he's a cripple and it doesn't sound like you're coming into your story to tell us what's going on.

does that make sense? probably not. oh well, if my review is as coherent as paula abdul then just click that little pm button on my profile i'll be glad to clarify. until then... onward with the story!

hey! no making fun of us pale people. i'll have you know tan's aren't all they're cracked up to be. especially fake tans... eww... but that has nothing to do with bane. anyway..

"He didn’t want someone to take it away from him. It was his. It was one of the first things that had ever been his." the last sentence sounds a bit awkward and redundent. it would probably be more effective if it just ended with "it was his"

aw, bane's getting friends- he's adapting! how cute :)

The part about lam (Only Lam had no part in the boy’s new family. In a way, she was glad. Lam was too much like his father. And his father was dead.) is a bit confusing. who's father is he like? lam's father? bane's? i'm guessing lam's- how would ma know what bane's father was like. ok, definitly lams. nevermind. i'm slightly stupid today.

oh.. intriguing... what's that Lam up to? and i like 'mouse man' at least, i like his name. his personality i'm not so fond of. why do i have a feeling lam has something to do with the plot on my beloved princeling's life? please say it's something less drastic!

ok, well now that i've ignored my school work and reviewed your lovely chapter, it's time for to do the same! just kidding- actually, please never slack off as much as me. i'm literally doing absolutly nothing at the moment. i mean, even my study hall where i normally do all the work due the next period- nothing. so yeah. i guess what i'm trying to say in a very long winded and covoluted (is that redundent?) way is please update? soon(ish)? please?
4/13/2008 c6 4DragonLover
I've been reading this story and I like it very much. Can't wait to see you update it. X) Great job.
4/6/2008 c5 9InSilverShadows
"Hearing them clanking behind him, Meirzen hid behind an alcove. Maybe they would pass him by..."

XD Silly Meirzen. That only works in movies.
4/6/2008 c5 11EldestMushroom
yay! i'm back! i think i promised you an iou... way too long ago. so, i will attempt to make it up to you with the longest review i can manage (which, considering my ADD ish tendencies, might not be very long, but i can try). so here goes.

Ch. 1

ooh! this one starts with meirzen! (yes after all this time i still love my little king-prince). this dream is remeniscnt of the old one, but you've tightened it up, bravo!

if he's been bled so many times in his life, i'm guessing he'd be incredibly weak, maybe more sickly than you're letting on.

i'm loving the passive battle between salim and the advisors. gotta love a little political intruigue. i'm looking forward to see what those two (er, three i guess) can throw at each other.

Ch. 2

this chapter is a lot like the old intro to bane but, again, much tighter. very impressed with your editing gryphon! there's really nothing i can critique in this chapter and yes, that is a good thing. i'm really liking the similarities with meirzen and esse with bane and the poor mouse. i'm sure its symbolic somehow (maybe weakness, the dangers of?) but i'm on a literary analysis strike (thank you AP english for ruining my life). sorry, my parenthesis addiction is flaring up. i should move on.

Ch.3

I'm slightly confused by the opening, but i think i'm supposed to be, probably because i don't know who the assasin is/ who is talking.

sorry, got sidetracked. the first lord of the rings is on and i love my billy boyd and dom monaghan!

fighting... to ... stay... on topic.

ok, so meirzen. i'm liking his character development. he's having problems moving on from his past? well he certainly doesn't know how to move forward. it's kind of strange, bane (from what i've seen) is acting more like a 17 year old than my darling princling (my new nickname for him, i think it suits him, even though he's actually a king. kingling just doesnt have the same appeal as princling) and meirzen is acting more childish than bane. not that it's his fault mind you. Princling has been coddled for far too long. perhaps this hanging is what he needs to get his act together and pull the palace under his control. salim doesn't seem to be doing the best job for his king whether intentionally or not. i have spent way too long on this chapter. i should stop before i start pulling it apart...

ch. 4

i must say, i'm happy bane is no longer blind. it seemed a bit too much angst for a six (seven?) year old. again with the editing job on bane's story line. very impressed, gryphon darling, very impressed indeed! we should throw you a party. and editing party. we can make decorations out of erasers and scissors.

wow, i can't really believe how random i'm being. this is what happens what i write long reviews. it's not pretty.

back to bane...

i like the choppy narration, it suits that character. and as he matures, i'm guessing it will gradually start to flow. maybe you could do the same with meirzen, as his emotional maturity leaves a lot to be desired (see rant in ch. 3). bane and my princling have more in common than they know. of course they don't know each other at all so that comment really makes no sense.

i really need to stay on topic.

i remember lam, vaguely, can't wait to see how he and melissa fit into this version.

ch. 5

be careful of jael and cullin becoming bit too self confident.("our spies arnt't the best for nothing", “The same way that I traced his attempt back to him: the entire palace is under our pay.”,“We spend less than half the money that a noble does for a new horse and we get the loyalty of over a thousand people. It’s amazing what a gold coin can do.”)

as masters of court intrigue, which i'm guessing they are considering their positon, maybe they could be a little more self conscious of their precarious situation. anyone who spies should be very aware of someone spying on them. it's not too big an issue right now, i just don't want to see them turn into that villian caricature "nothing can stop me! i am all powerful! mwahahah!" you know the type. i'm not saying they are now, just a premptive strike against it.

huh, meirzen's fear of horses is interesting. i don't have a comment for it yet, really. i just need to see how it plays out.

heh, "wash it first" "the cup or my commander" got to love the witty servents.

and now the marriage is a plot as well! the advisors have their hand in everything don't they... you've got my attention, although anything with the possiblility to take my princling off the market will catch my attention. i'm so pathetic.

poor princling. i'm intrigued as to what will give him the strength and maturity to truely become a king. i really love how you describe the stifling effect of the palace and the court. i can really feel the weight of the responsibilities and the toll it is taking on meirzen.

ah, see this chase is what i was worried about. physically, from being bled so often and from i suspect a lack of physical activity, i think this run should have tired him out more than it seems to have. (did that sentence make sense?)

and now the advisors are using what i suspect to be my princling's depression to say he's mad and strip him of any control he might have had. i see your game, mr. jael and mr. cullin.

ah, yes, i had a feeling it was jael and cullin talking at the beginning and this does quite confirm it, doesn't it. although, if i remember correctly, it was them in the old version as well. behind the assasination, i mean. i don't think there was tagless ominous dialogue in the older version.

ok, i'm not making much sense any more. a sign to wrap up my review perhaps?

i'm so proud of your editing skills gryphon! i can't wait to see how this version turns out. and now, i fear, this review is way too long, so i must leave you with the traditional fiction press, update soon!

-eldestmushroom
3/24/2008 c1 9faerie-gumdrops
Wow your writing is most pretty so far - I couldn't spot a single typo or anything wrong at all - a rare find here! Sorry for the complete lack of CC, though. I did try to find typos, honest!

Anyway, I really like this so far. I like the culture of your world, with the bleeding etc and the beliefs that dreams are in the blood - it's not very often that medicine is focussed on in such detail in ficpress stories (most -including me- just drop a few herbs here and there) and, as I am a complete science-fangirl, I like it a lot.

'wasn’t until his mother’s scream did he open his eyes and realize that the floor was rushing to meet his face' I loved this line.

The dream was really cool - and I like how it was different to the way that Meirzen's Dad actually died. A lot of cool mystery here like what the dreams are all about etc. And then you drop an assassin into the mix! Awesome! And Esse is a cool dog...I only know that Esse is Latin for to be or something like that (did GCSE Latin A LONG time ago...well three years or whatever). I like Salim as well, even though he seems a little cruel - he's quite interesting. Feel sorry for that poor girl, though - does she come into it again?

'it is those most close to the king-prince that are under the most suspicion' Oh I smell betrayal! Yummy!
2/27/2008 c4 9InSilverShadows
Bane's my favorite by far, but there's no doubt prince-kings are fun too. XD It's about time I returned a review for you.
1/19/2008 c1 11EldestMushroom
guess what! you're getting another IOU review (exams and college auditions and all are getting in the way of my precious computer time). I promise i've been reading and loving it but you'll get your usually nit-picky massive make-up review later. ::whew:: enough adjectives?
1/19/2008 c4 M.D.Irvine
Bane's living with Lam's mother instead, whoa lots of changes going on. this chapter was pretty good in explaining Bane's pain and how he fought not to go back to the village. so he is in Deu now hm well im curious to see where this goes. it feels like many scattered pieces (pieces I kind of know) but you are putting them together in a different way. still keeps the suspense going.
1/19/2008 c3 M.D.Irvine
so Bane is 6/7 and Mierzen is 17. i like how you described how he felt about the servant girl (he was the king prince but he couldnt stop her death even though he was sure she couldnt ahve planned it) and his poor dog Esse who isnt there to comfort him anymore. So he was a sickly child and is still a sickly man. I wonder why he keeps dreaming about an incident he didnt witness and not even in the place it happened.

You also brought in Salim, Jael and Culin early too and scrapped out the whole war scene prologue.

ANd the wedding was mentioned too. hm. i want to see what happens to bane
1/19/2008 c2 M.D.Irvine
you changed the title from ocean of tears to ocean of fire. when i saw the alert in my email, i thought you had started the second book. Bane was 6/7. I thought he was much older in the other version, especially later on in the book he seemed to be in his teens.

im a bit confused, before he burnt the mill with the bully inside because he lost his sight, so u can factor in anger and revenge but now for him to set the fire just because Lorne had bullied him and killed a mouse makes Bane seem like a monster and creepy (much unlike the misunderstood angsty child of before)which explains his grandmother's fear and mine too. For I cant seem to draw up sympathy for him, i mean he ignored the screams. he found it exciting. i guess he didnt understand that lorne died because he said the kickers came the next morning, all but Lorne.

So does he still lose his sight but in a different way?

well i guess ill continue to find out.
1/19/2008 c1 M.D.Irvine
"esse" hm i know it's latin but thats about it

anyhow, so yay for the rewrite of OoT. ( i would have thought you'd keep the old version on fp call it version 1 or something but since you are totally rewriting so it can fit into the next book in the trilogy i see why you removed it. i guess i wanted to read it all in a stretch and sigh about Bane again lol)

I apologize for not reviewing earlier and I have missed your updates of a 100 mutts as well. At least, i know what ill be doing the first few hours of my 3 day weekend :-)

About dreams being cliche, don't worry about it. I did the same thing with Dreaming of you. I actually didnt know it was a cliche way to start a book though i never liked movies that started with dreams but never felt the same way about a book.

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