for Here, I Found Your Heart6/22/2008 c1 
6Gee - Girl
More, more, more. Can you please extend this story? I am new on the site and have never read something like this, pretty and unusual.
A good read but not much of an ending.
Thanks
Sm-(h)eather
6Gee - GirlMore, more, more. Can you please extend this story? I am new on the site and have never read something like this, pretty and unusual.
A good read but not much of an ending.
Thanks
Sm-(h)eather
6/8/2008 c1 17the flaming river
It's so CUTE! I love it. How did you get the idea anyway, it's so original. I'm in love!
17the flaming riverIt's so CUTE! I love it. How did you get the idea anyway, it's so original. I'm in love!
1/28/2008 c1 2Lily Topaz
Wow... its so touching... honestly... im a real easy weeper
im crying geez... my stuff is elementary to you! bravo...
EXCELENTE! BONITISIMA!
2Lily TopazWow... its so touching... honestly... im a real easy weeper
im crying geez... my stuff is elementary to you! bravo...
EXCELENTE! BONITISIMA!
12/27/2007 c1 4Audy
Alright so some things I've noticed:
"...She did not see the little thing in time, laying on the ground, when she stepped on it. And for the first couple of minutes she could not figure out what it was."
Rewrite the first sentence so that it is a little bit more clear, perhaps: 'She did not see the little thing laying on the ground, in time, so, she stepped on it.' You don't need the 'and' in the next sentence -never begin a sentence with 'and' unless you really need to. 'For the first couple of minutes(comma) she could not figure out what it was.' Is a perfectly fine sentence w/o the 'and' in there.
Ha, loved the 'broken heart' symbolism in the next sentence.
"...It split unevenly down the middle. The typical way broken hearts are drawn on pieces of paper." While these two sentences are /okay/ it'd be better to join them with a semi-colon or what have you. I suppose I am being kind of picky-but choppy writing bugs me.
The next few sentences...the 'and' might work there, but remember to put a comma after them. "...And(comma) she was the one who broke it..."
"...instead (rushed) to whatever destination she was (heading) to before."
"...For the fifth time(comma) Samantha applied..."
Again, try not to start sentences with conjunctions -"..But they would not stick together..." can easily be joined with the previous sentence. Long sentences are OKAY!
...Okay, I'm beginning to see a pattern here and I'm not going to sit around correcting all these mistakes -that's your job. So, I'll give you advice. Try to vary your sentence length. Long sentences mixed in with medium or short ones, now that does not mean to try and count each word of every sentence you do...but try to string in two of your sentences into a long one. Otherwise you have these short. choppy. sentences.
Another problem are all your sentence fragments. Here's an example: "...Not that she was clumsy or anything, it just never hurt to be cautious." When you read that sentence separately, does it sound like a complete thought? No? Then it's a fragment.
Now grammar aside, there are a lot of spelling errors in this too. I noticed, 'sow' instead of 'sew'. Do you have a spell check feature on your computer? It automatically underlines any misspelled words (MS word underlines grammar errors too!), perhaps you should use it -if you don't have it, google 'spell checker' there are tons available for free online.
Another thing I noticed (I've got a keen eye) are all the exclamation points you used -try to limit exclamation points to when you /really/ need it. In fact-don't use it at all for this story. Exclamation points are a pain and the key indicator whether someone is an amateur writer or have been writing for some time. My personal rule for exclamation points: If you have any doubts, don't! ;)
Alright so mistakes aside, this was quite a cute story and the ending was nice the whole, "Do you still want to fix my heart?"
I liked the message and the play on words here, it is really very clever and the idea for this is brilliant.
I realize that this review is quite harsh, but I assure you that I have the best intentions. From the look of this work, I 'assume' that you're new to writing, and so I first want to say not to let anybody discourage you from writing -this was good work and you know it. I'm here to point out any mistakes I see so you can improve and furthermore, to give you advice on how you can improve. I hope you don't take this personal, you really did a good job, and you're a natural at story-telling (I can tell) but you just need to work on the mechanical aspects of it.
If you have any questions or need help with anything, you know where to contact me.
~ Audy
4AudyAlright so some things I've noticed:
"...She did not see the little thing in time, laying on the ground, when she stepped on it. And for the first couple of minutes she could not figure out what it was."
Rewrite the first sentence so that it is a little bit more clear, perhaps: 'She did not see the little thing laying on the ground, in time, so, she stepped on it.' You don't need the 'and' in the next sentence -never begin a sentence with 'and' unless you really need to. 'For the first couple of minutes(comma) she could not figure out what it was.' Is a perfectly fine sentence w/o the 'and' in there.
Ha, loved the 'broken heart' symbolism in the next sentence.
"...It split unevenly down the middle. The typical way broken hearts are drawn on pieces of paper." While these two sentences are /okay/ it'd be better to join them with a semi-colon or what have you. I suppose I am being kind of picky-but choppy writing bugs me.
The next few sentences...the 'and' might work there, but remember to put a comma after them. "...And(comma) she was the one who broke it..."
"...instead (rushed) to whatever destination she was (heading) to before."
"...For the fifth time(comma) Samantha applied..."
Again, try not to start sentences with conjunctions -"..But they would not stick together..." can easily be joined with the previous sentence. Long sentences are OKAY!
...Okay, I'm beginning to see a pattern here and I'm not going to sit around correcting all these mistakes -that's your job. So, I'll give you advice. Try to vary your sentence length. Long sentences mixed in with medium or short ones, now that does not mean to try and count each word of every sentence you do...but try to string in two of your sentences into a long one. Otherwise you have these short. choppy. sentences.
Another problem are all your sentence fragments. Here's an example: "...Not that she was clumsy or anything, it just never hurt to be cautious." When you read that sentence separately, does it sound like a complete thought? No? Then it's a fragment.
Now grammar aside, there are a lot of spelling errors in this too. I noticed, 'sow' instead of 'sew'. Do you have a spell check feature on your computer? It automatically underlines any misspelled words (MS word underlines grammar errors too!), perhaps you should use it -if you don't have it, google 'spell checker' there are tons available for free online.
Another thing I noticed (I've got a keen eye) are all the exclamation points you used -try to limit exclamation points to when you /really/ need it. In fact-don't use it at all for this story. Exclamation points are a pain and the key indicator whether someone is an amateur writer or have been writing for some time. My personal rule for exclamation points: If you have any doubts, don't! ;)
Alright so mistakes aside, this was quite a cute story and the ending was nice the whole, "Do you still want to fix my heart?"
I liked the message and the play on words here, it is really very clever and the idea for this is brilliant.
I realize that this review is quite harsh, but I assure you that I have the best intentions. From the look of this work, I 'assume' that you're new to writing, and so I first want to say not to let anybody discourage you from writing -this was good work and you know it. I'm here to point out any mistakes I see so you can improve and furthermore, to give you advice on how you can improve. I hope you don't take this personal, you really did a good job, and you're a natural at story-telling (I can tell) but you just need to work on the mechanical aspects of it.
If you have any questions or need help with anything, you know where to contact me.
~ Audy
12/14/2007 c1 8the hitchhiker2
hey, got your email on youngwriters101. i thought it was a cool idea...the execution is good too :) don't worry about the length...the gift of the magi is an awesome story and it's pretty short! i just wish you'd describe things a bit more..like the shop...etc..but it's your call..keep up the good work! hope to read your next.
8the hitchhiker2hey, got your email on youngwriters101. i thought it was a cool idea...the execution is good too :) don't worry about the length...the gift of the magi is an awesome story and it's pretty short! i just wish you'd describe things a bit more..like the shop...etc..but it's your call..keep up the good work! hope to read your next.
12/14/2007 c1 2CarlyJo
I saw your post on YW101, and the story sounded cool, so I read it. I'm so glad I did. It has, in my opinion, the perfect amount of detail, great play on words, and a loving and sweet story line. I loved it! Great job!
~Carly
2CarlyJoI saw your post on YW101, and the story sounded cool, so I read it. I'm so glad I did. It has, in my opinion, the perfect amount of detail, great play on words, and a loving and sweet story line. I loved it! Great job!
~Carly
12/13/2007 c1 2Yannick
Oh my goodness, that was so nice. A broken heart. And a broken heart. How nice. I mean, well... not so nice. Broken hearts aren't nice. But the story was nice. Not the broken heart. No, broken hearts aren't nice.
2YannickOh my goodness, that was so nice. A broken heart. And a broken heart. How nice. I mean, well... not so nice. Broken hearts aren't nice. But the story was nice. Not the broken heart. No, broken hearts aren't nice.