for Happy Birthday1/6/2014 c1 Guest
I love the story, and that's also sort of the problem. This type of plot is very typical-they hate each other, they go to the mall, he buys her a necklace that she wants, they kiss. The only part that added a touch of originality was the part about Lauren watching the elderly couple and hoping for a similar relationship. That being said, you have enormous potential as a writer.
So the next time you write a story, try to think of a more unique spin. You start off very well-the girl-hates-boy, boy-secretly-loves-girl-but-teases-her is my FAVORITE love story archetype, by far, and I love your characters. The story could have just used more development, and a unique spin that makes your story stand out. And also-avoid the weird descriptions like "his eyes held a weird emotion that I couldn't describe"-again, unrealistic and cheesy. You are capable of writing much more beautiful writing, and I'd love to see more of it :)
I love the story, and that's also sort of the problem. This type of plot is very typical-they hate each other, they go to the mall, he buys her a necklace that she wants, they kiss. The only part that added a touch of originality was the part about Lauren watching the elderly couple and hoping for a similar relationship. That being said, you have enormous potential as a writer.
So the next time you write a story, try to think of a more unique spin. You start off very well-the girl-hates-boy, boy-secretly-loves-girl-but-teases-her is my FAVORITE love story archetype, by far, and I love your characters. The story could have just used more development, and a unique spin that makes your story stand out. And also-avoid the weird descriptions like "his eyes held a weird emotion that I couldn't describe"-again, unrealistic and cheesy. You are capable of writing much more beautiful writing, and I'd love to see more of it :)
1/6/2014 c1 Guest
I love the story, and that's also sort of the problem. This type of plot is very typical. The only part that added a touch of originality was the part about Lauren watching the elderly couple and hoping for a similar relationship. That being said, you have enormous potential as a writer.
So the next time you write a story, try to think of a more unique spin. You start off very well-the girl-hates-boy, boy-secretly-loves-girl-but-teases-her is my FAVORITE love story archetype, by far, and I love your characters. The story could have just used more development, and a unique spin that makes your story stand out. And also-avoid the weird descriptions like "his eyes held a weird emotion that I couldn't describe"-again, unrealistic and cheesy. You are capable of writing much more beautiful writing, and I'd love to see more of it :)
I love the story, and that's also sort of the problem. This type of plot is very typical. The only part that added a touch of originality was the part about Lauren watching the elderly couple and hoping for a similar relationship. That being said, you have enormous potential as a writer.
So the next time you write a story, try to think of a more unique spin. You start off very well-the girl-hates-boy, boy-secretly-loves-girl-but-teases-her is my FAVORITE love story archetype, by far, and I love your characters. The story could have just used more development, and a unique spin that makes your story stand out. And also-avoid the weird descriptions like "his eyes held a weird emotion that I couldn't describe"-again, unrealistic and cheesy. You are capable of writing much more beautiful writing, and I'd love to see more of it :)
6/3/2012 c1 Guest
Aw, cute! I liked it. I wish you didn't put that author's note in the middle of the story though!
Aw, cute! I liked it. I wish you didn't put that author's note in the middle of the story though!
5/24/2010 c1 eiyuang999
hi !
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hi !
Cheap retail watch, sunglasses, belt, hats/caps, High quality T-shirts,ED hardy t-shirts,ED Hardy hoodies,ED hardy ,Jeans,GUCCI shoes,LV Handbag,Chanel Handbag…high quality,low price.welcome to:
1/9/2008 c1 
9milenaa
FLuffy and predictable, but I couldn't stop reading! I like how you used a couple of cliché situations without going way over the top. The formatting is a little screwed, I'd suggest fixing it, but the characters are nice and easy to relate to.
9milenaaFLuffy and predictable, but I couldn't stop reading! I like how you used a couple of cliché situations without going way over the top. The formatting is a little screwed, I'd suggest fixing it, but the characters are nice and easy to relate to.
12/16/2007 c1 9Lily Llynn
So incredibly cute. And fluffy. (: I love it. Some typos (but very few) slightly irked me, but that was it. I'm very glad woodstock1969 added this to the c2. :]
9Lily LlynnSo incredibly cute. And fluffy. (: I love it. Some typos (but very few) slightly irked me, but that was it. I'm very glad woodstock1969 added this to the c2. :]
12/16/2007 c1 8squiggle-line
Cute!
There're a couple typos (pair instead of "par" and aisle instead of "isle") but I'm sure you'll catch them when you edit. Overall, the writing is smooth. I'm not a big fan of the word 'smirking' but that's just me.
The transition between the food court and the necklace is a little confusing. Since you mention the food court twice, it seems like they ate twice... but it's actually that they go to the food court, Lauren has a flashback about the necklace, and then Will goes and buys it for her, right? I think the part about the arcade makes it confusing because it happens after all the events in the food court, but it's mentioned first.
The ending is a little predictable but I would've been disappointed if it had ended differently. I think there's still some room for character development though, especially for Will and Lauren's relationship. You do a good job with the argument about who is going to drive and the lump of coal comment but the tension between them is lost in the end. Since the focus is so much on the two of them getting together, their personalities seem to get pushed aside. Will suddenly becomes thoughtful and courteous and I'm not quite sure I buy it. I want to see him struggle more with expressing his feelings. I want to see more of Lauren's surprise and understanding. She seems to give into him very easily. The commentary about Will always sticking up for her and putting up with her bitchy moods is good; I think more of it throughout the story would help.
That last line is adorable. :)
8squiggle-lineCute!
There're a couple typos (pair instead of "par" and aisle instead of "isle") but I'm sure you'll catch them when you edit. Overall, the writing is smooth. I'm not a big fan of the word 'smirking' but that's just me.
The transition between the food court and the necklace is a little confusing. Since you mention the food court twice, it seems like they ate twice... but it's actually that they go to the food court, Lauren has a flashback about the necklace, and then Will goes and buys it for her, right? I think the part about the arcade makes it confusing because it happens after all the events in the food court, but it's mentioned first.
The ending is a little predictable but I would've been disappointed if it had ended differently. I think there's still some room for character development though, especially for Will and Lauren's relationship. You do a good job with the argument about who is going to drive and the lump of coal comment but the tension between them is lost in the end. Since the focus is so much on the two of them getting together, their personalities seem to get pushed aside. Will suddenly becomes thoughtful and courteous and I'm not quite sure I buy it. I want to see him struggle more with expressing his feelings. I want to see more of Lauren's surprise and understanding. She seems to give into him very easily. The commentary about Will always sticking up for her and putting up with her bitchy moods is good; I think more of it throughout the story would help.
That last line is adorable. :)
12/15/2007 c1 Noie
Very cute; thanks for posting. Good luck studying and hopefully we can get one more before Christmas!
Very cute; thanks for posting. Good luck studying and hopefully we can get one more before Christmas!
12/15/2007 c1 dOrKy-GuRl03
hey..that was good as your other one too..haha..its could be so nice if you turn it a story, but its alright..i like it...looking forward to more of your stories...bye..bye...
hey..that was good as your other one too..haha..its could be so nice if you turn it a story, but its alright..i like it...looking forward to more of your stories...bye..bye...
12/15/2007 c1 2you're my cup of tea
aw. i love it so much :)
it was a litle rushed at the end. but i still
reaaly like it
2you're my cup of teaaw. i love it so much :)
it was a litle rushed at the end. but i still
reaaly like it