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10/22/2008 c5 
8Written
crap, my review deleted itself. okay, starting over. I liked the recap you gave of the children, because its been a while since I've read this. wendy and mirren will probably have more tension as the story goes on, I'm guessing? since the new tutor seems a potential love interest. MAYBE.
I liked kimi's power. she seems very sweet.
terry's enthusiasm for the tutor's good looks made me laugh...
and uh... also enjoyeed the discussion on sea sickness. though I might have done without the talk about how much authority mirren has. where does she get it all from anyway? I'd prefer if she was more childish now and more authoritative at the end of the book, but I guess it could be part of her character.
[Far away Nagomer slept.]
comma after "away"?
I really like this story so far, as I've said before, but it does make me a little sad that I didn't get around to returning your reviews till after you were on hiatus. I hope you at least get inspired to start again or something D:
8Writtencrap, my review deleted itself. okay, starting over. I liked the recap you gave of the children, because its been a while since I've read this. wendy and mirren will probably have more tension as the story goes on, I'm guessing? since the new tutor seems a potential love interest. MAYBE.
I liked kimi's power. she seems very sweet.
terry's enthusiasm for the tutor's good looks made me laugh...
and uh... also enjoyeed the discussion on sea sickness. though I might have done without the talk about how much authority mirren has. where does she get it all from anyway? I'd prefer if she was more childish now and more authoritative at the end of the book, but I guess it could be part of her character.
[Far away Nagomer slept.]
comma after "away"?
I really like this story so far, as I've said before, but it does make me a little sad that I didn't get around to returning your reviews till after you were on hiatus. I hope you at least get inspired to start again or something D:
9/15/2008 c4 Written
Ugh, I just looked at your profile. On hiatus? seriously? well, I'll read what you have up anyway, but man, what a bummer!
tortura is so snippy, but I like her for some reason.
the chief magic user is coming to teach her? that's yay. but this chapter feels a bit bare bones ish. like, I don't mean it's too short, but it feels skeletal.
okay, maybe that makes no sense. but yeah, dont worry about length.
their chubby little boy makes me smile for some reason. I totally babysat for one of those this summer.
Ugh, I just looked at your profile. On hiatus? seriously? well, I'll read what you have up anyway, but man, what a bummer!
tortura is so snippy, but I like her for some reason.
the chief magic user is coming to teach her? that's yay. but this chapter feels a bit bare bones ish. like, I don't mean it's too short, but it feels skeletal.
okay, maybe that makes no sense. but yeah, dont worry about length.
their chubby little boy makes me smile for some reason. I totally babysat for one of those this summer.
8/29/2008 c3 Written
Hey! I'm back. Okay, this will make me look like a huge idiot, but I don't know what incarnadine means... eep! I'll dictionary it up later.
I love Verone's attitude. he seems so old and grouchy... haha.
[It was a traditional greeting between people of faith and magic-users and all Island Families were magic-users.]
this sentence seems a bit long, though I know why you wrote it the way you did. I guess just take a second look at it and see if you can change it to make it read more naturally?
["Yes, and make sure you don’t let the Emperor bully you.]
for some reason I feel this would read better without the "yes and make sure you..." part. and just leave it simple. otherwise it sounds somehow childish.
I have no idea what I'm talking about, btw.
okay, so why are they allied with this family over the emperor? I think you more or less gave enough bg info to know why, but I might have forgotten.
I think nagomer might be pulling a stupid move by being in a weaker body than someone who would "never dare oppose him"... hm.
that would be interesting.
having just read your author note, I'll respond about the wasimii conversation. I thought it was pretty well done. the idea that the northerners won't know how to deal with their issues and stuff is a very real concern, after all. running a country is more work than it looks like... like imagine running a household, only with 134678321 people.
ANYWAY. wasimii is an odd name.
Hey! I'm back. Okay, this will make me look like a huge idiot, but I don't know what incarnadine means... eep! I'll dictionary it up later.
I love Verone's attitude. he seems so old and grouchy... haha.
[It was a traditional greeting between people of faith and magic-users and all Island Families were magic-users.]
this sentence seems a bit long, though I know why you wrote it the way you did. I guess just take a second look at it and see if you can change it to make it read more naturally?
["Yes, and make sure you don’t let the Emperor bully you.]
for some reason I feel this would read better without the "yes and make sure you..." part. and just leave it simple. otherwise it sounds somehow childish.
I have no idea what I'm talking about, btw.
okay, so why are they allied with this family over the emperor? I think you more or less gave enough bg info to know why, but I might have forgotten.
I think nagomer might be pulling a stupid move by being in a weaker body than someone who would "never dare oppose him"... hm.
that would be interesting.
having just read your author note, I'll respond about the wasimii conversation. I thought it was pretty well done. the idea that the northerners won't know how to deal with their issues and stuff is a very real concern, after all. running a country is more work than it looks like... like imagine running a household, only with 134678321 people.
ANYWAY. wasimii is an odd name.
8/27/2008 c2 Written
Oh dear. At first I was like, why is this woman not wanting to go to the wedding? Because she doesn't like the Mirelli family? And then I was like, wait, why is she said that they've died then?
And then, of course, I realized. The wedding. sad.
[It shouldn’t have happened to the Mirellis yet.]
not to be a jerk, but I'm honestly curious. does this mean it should have happened eventually?
[they would be the last to be attacked.]
oh. I see what you're saying now.
wow. love the part where "nagomer" is formed. amazing descriptions going on here. I especially adore this: "...the last of the revelations fell into place. Nagomer smiled."
sweet.
good dynamic between the children. I feel bad for wendy but she reminds me of my snotty little cousin too... hah.
criticism for this chapter: overuse of the word cherub. I know why you use it, and you don't have to cut out all instances of it, since you are referring to other kids who look like cherubs, etc, but it's not necessary every single time.
this is just a personal opinion.
what I think is awesome: you do a good balance with dialogue and story, and I think that's great. I can never really reach that balance and end up boring the readers to tears or making them really confused. you've managed to stay lucid and interesting and develop your characters, so you've got a pretty good handle on things for chapter 2.
Oh dear. At first I was like, why is this woman not wanting to go to the wedding? Because she doesn't like the Mirelli family? And then I was like, wait, why is she said that they've died then?
And then, of course, I realized. The wedding. sad.
[It shouldn’t have happened to the Mirellis yet.]
not to be a jerk, but I'm honestly curious. does this mean it should have happened eventually?
[they would be the last to be attacked.]
oh. I see what you're saying now.
wow. love the part where "nagomer" is formed. amazing descriptions going on here. I especially adore this: "...the last of the revelations fell into place. Nagomer smiled."
sweet.
good dynamic between the children. I feel bad for wendy but she reminds me of my snotty little cousin too... hah.
criticism for this chapter: overuse of the word cherub. I know why you use it, and you don't have to cut out all instances of it, since you are referring to other kids who look like cherubs, etc, but it's not necessary every single time.
this is just a personal opinion.
what I think is awesome: you do a good balance with dialogue and story, and I think that's great. I can never really reach that balance and end up boring the readers to tears or making them really confused. you've managed to stay lucid and interesting and develop your characters, so you've got a pretty good handle on things for chapter 2.
8/27/2008 c1 Written
nice first paragraph. it sets the scene and it actually quite pretty. for some reason I can sort of "see" wedding party music bouncing over the water and into her ear. it's also true that I'm totally weird, so please ignore.
by the time we're three paragraphs in, we have a sort of good idea of what her background is like, just by her musings. I like where you say she purses her lips in an imitation of her mother; I have a cousin who does exactly the same thing.
[Unlike Darren, whose wedding clothes were neatly folded at the end of his bed, Kyle was attempting to sleep in his.]
haha. I like that the children are very different in personality. I'm more of a kyle, I think. very nice! it was all very natural and not infodump like, which is always good.
The finger pricking thing is kind of cool, but it would annoying to prick your finger TOO often... sorry. just thinking out loud.
[...bottom of the stairwell echoed up the stairwell.]
you might not agree with me, but I wouldn't say stairwell twice so close together. I would probably say something like "echoed upwards" or something like that.
wow, mirren knows how to summon a dragon! I assume right now that it's something many of the family members can do. maybe only the younger ones havent learned how to yet. maybe.
lovely description of magic. it doesn't seem cliche at all... just very natural.
I adore the name wendy.
wow, so I love the way you describe the Driechtnacht. my goodness, I hope I spelled that right. At first, I didn't know what to expect, because I was like "what... drinking blood?" but then when you talk about shifting into the human world and stuff.. I really enjoyed that. Very cool idea! I don't read anything with creatures like vampires, so I have no idea how original that really is, but it seems VERY original and yeah.
the dragon is interesting... especially that he can turn into a human and has their last name. so is he a family member?
okay. I feel I've read this before, but perhaps a previous write up, because this seems a lot less confusing. it's actually very lucid and makes me want to read more. which I will do.
my only advice is that you might have started in the middle of the action, when mirren's uncle tells her to summon the dragon. of course, the only problem with that would be losing the wealth of info you give us in the beginning. I likes THAT part because it doesn't sound forced at all... so uh. jury's out?
nice first paragraph. it sets the scene and it actually quite pretty. for some reason I can sort of "see" wedding party music bouncing over the water and into her ear. it's also true that I'm totally weird, so please ignore.
by the time we're three paragraphs in, we have a sort of good idea of what her background is like, just by her musings. I like where you say she purses her lips in an imitation of her mother; I have a cousin who does exactly the same thing.
[Unlike Darren, whose wedding clothes were neatly folded at the end of his bed, Kyle was attempting to sleep in his.]
haha. I like that the children are very different in personality. I'm more of a kyle, I think. very nice! it was all very natural and not infodump like, which is always good.
The finger pricking thing is kind of cool, but it would annoying to prick your finger TOO often... sorry. just thinking out loud.
[...bottom of the stairwell echoed up the stairwell.]
you might not agree with me, but I wouldn't say stairwell twice so close together. I would probably say something like "echoed upwards" or something like that.
wow, mirren knows how to summon a dragon! I assume right now that it's something many of the family members can do. maybe only the younger ones havent learned how to yet. maybe.
lovely description of magic. it doesn't seem cliche at all... just very natural.
I adore the name wendy.
wow, so I love the way you describe the Driechtnacht. my goodness, I hope I spelled that right. At first, I didn't know what to expect, because I was like "what... drinking blood?" but then when you talk about shifting into the human world and stuff.. I really enjoyed that. Very cool idea! I don't read anything with creatures like vampires, so I have no idea how original that really is, but it seems VERY original and yeah.
the dragon is interesting... especially that he can turn into a human and has their last name. so is he a family member?
okay. I feel I've read this before, but perhaps a previous write up, because this seems a lot less confusing. it's actually very lucid and makes me want to read more. which I will do.
my only advice is that you might have started in the middle of the action, when mirren's uncle tells her to summon the dragon. of course, the only problem with that would be losing the wealth of info you give us in the beginning. I likes THAT part because it doesn't sound forced at all... so uh. jury's out?