for Faithless Fidelity8/3/2009 c1 
12StaringATAwall
I absolutely loved it. I've got a "good eye" for poetry and this one is good, thought-provoking and well written. Well done. I must now read more of your work... sigh...
12StaringATAwallI absolutely loved it. I've got a "good eye" for poetry and this one is good, thought-provoking and well written. Well done. I must now read more of your work... sigh...
3/10/2008 c1 460Time To Change
I can't really contradict your use of semicolons as I'm never very certain about them myself, however, I do feel you sometimes use them where they really aren't needed.
The poem doesn't seem to have a set rhythm or tone. I liked the final verse, it gave pause.
I think you make good use of alliteration and I like the harsh consonance of the third verse.
460Time To ChangeI can't really contradict your use of semicolons as I'm never very certain about them myself, however, I do feel you sometimes use them where they really aren't needed.
The poem doesn't seem to have a set rhythm or tone. I liked the final verse, it gave pause.
I think you make good use of alliteration and I like the harsh consonance of the third verse.
2/26/2008 c1 2Adventure Getaway
Very nice. =]
I got a little confused at the end.(Forgive me, I haven't read much litterature)
I defienetly understood the beggining/middle of your piece.
I am absolutely in love with your stories, and can't wait to write more. Keep up the good work! =]
2Adventure GetawayVery nice. =]
I got a little confused at the end.(Forgive me, I haven't read much litterature)
I defienetly understood the beggining/middle of your piece.
I am absolutely in love with your stories, and can't wait to write more. Keep up the good work! =]
2/4/2008 c1 102Midnight In Eden
Couple things, first of all punctuation. You have used a number of semi colons incorrectly, in fact I can't see a single one would not be better as comma. The semi colon on L7 of S4 is in a spot where no punctuation even needs to be. You also seem to have an aversion to "and"s which I can understand, I too dislike them but I think they would work much better than your semi colons in places (i.e. L4 S1, L1 S3).
You seem to like very very short lines and while I find that that works really well in some pieces I'm not so sure about here. The utter disconnection of the lines means that there is little real flow or even rhythm to the piece. In some places, particularly the last stanza, I completely ignored the line breaks and linked the sentences together more clearly in my mind i.e. "Beat not the tattoo/of an unquenchable fever." I feel that perhaps lengthening the lines might be a good idea, especially in the last two stanzas as the previous three were a little more even.
Aside from these technical quibbles, the content isn't bad. The second stanza feels a little awkward in terms of the last line and I think reworking that a little would make the image stronger. The "Hopelessly/I wander/through/the winding ways" is a little too abstract for me and while you do use a lot of abstractions in this piece I think that this would be the stanza in which to concrete the poem a little.
Otherwise, nice work and good luck with an edit.
Midnight
102Midnight In EdenCouple things, first of all punctuation. You have used a number of semi colons incorrectly, in fact I can't see a single one would not be better as comma. The semi colon on L7 of S4 is in a spot where no punctuation even needs to be. You also seem to have an aversion to "and"s which I can understand, I too dislike them but I think they would work much better than your semi colons in places (i.e. L4 S1, L1 S3).
You seem to like very very short lines and while I find that that works really well in some pieces I'm not so sure about here. The utter disconnection of the lines means that there is little real flow or even rhythm to the piece. In some places, particularly the last stanza, I completely ignored the line breaks and linked the sentences together more clearly in my mind i.e. "Beat not the tattoo/of an unquenchable fever." I feel that perhaps lengthening the lines might be a good idea, especially in the last two stanzas as the previous three were a little more even.
Aside from these technical quibbles, the content isn't bad. The second stanza feels a little awkward in terms of the last line and I think reworking that a little would make the image stronger. The "Hopelessly/I wander/through/the winding ways" is a little too abstract for me and while you do use a lot of abstractions in this piece I think that this would be the stanza in which to concrete the poem a little.
Otherwise, nice work and good luck with an edit.
Midnight
2/4/2008 c1 612simpleplan13
Faithless Fidelity
The first stanza is great.. it flows well and the first line especially really helps you understand what the narrator is feeling... the only thing is using both breathlessly and breath in the first three lines was a bit repetitive... although i do like the alliteration in the third line
The second stanza is really awesome... the personification of both the moments and the blood was really beautiful
The third stanza is good too.. I like contrasts from externally to inwardly and pleasure inflicts.. that especially portrays the narrators mixed emotions... Two things.. I might get rid of crying.. screeching is such a powerful word and crying seems to take away from that in my opinion.. and you did is the only place you use past tense... and I'm not sure why... it makes it seem like they didn't know they did it, but they do now, which I don't think is what you're trying to say.. but maybe it is.. lol
Nice alliteration "winding ways"... This is probably my least favorite part... the first three lines have a different flow then the rest of the stanza to me and the last three lines just confused the heck out of me... and I don't think they add to the piece.. I might get rid of them, but if you like them maybe just try to make it a bit more clear
The last stanza is interesting... the beginning is very like old poetry (i dunno if that makes sense.. if not let me know ill try to clarify.. and the phrase "unquenchable fever" was really powerful... the tattoo part seemed odd for me because it brought like an ink tattoo to mind... I honestly didn't even know it could mean what you used it as (I looked it up)... its great if you know that, but depending on the audience you're appealing to ppl might not... the ending also wasn't my favorite.. the idea was awesome... peace you want, but fight against... but some of your other word choices were so amazing.. I expected more than long for and fight especially at the end... also ending with against made me think there should've been more... when I reread it I got it, but I might switch the two around...
Anyhow the piece was really great... for the most part it flowed well and you have some beautiful images and awesome word choices in there... feel free to respond to the review if you have any questions or wanna tell me im worng.. lol
612simpleplan13Faithless Fidelity
The first stanza is great.. it flows well and the first line especially really helps you understand what the narrator is feeling... the only thing is using both breathlessly and breath in the first three lines was a bit repetitive... although i do like the alliteration in the third line
The second stanza is really awesome... the personification of both the moments and the blood was really beautiful
The third stanza is good too.. I like contrasts from externally to inwardly and pleasure inflicts.. that especially portrays the narrators mixed emotions... Two things.. I might get rid of crying.. screeching is such a powerful word and crying seems to take away from that in my opinion.. and you did is the only place you use past tense... and I'm not sure why... it makes it seem like they didn't know they did it, but they do now, which I don't think is what you're trying to say.. but maybe it is.. lol
Nice alliteration "winding ways"... This is probably my least favorite part... the first three lines have a different flow then the rest of the stanza to me and the last three lines just confused the heck out of me... and I don't think they add to the piece.. I might get rid of them, but if you like them maybe just try to make it a bit more clear
The last stanza is interesting... the beginning is very like old poetry (i dunno if that makes sense.. if not let me know ill try to clarify.. and the phrase "unquenchable fever" was really powerful... the tattoo part seemed odd for me because it brought like an ink tattoo to mind... I honestly didn't even know it could mean what you used it as (I looked it up)... its great if you know that, but depending on the audience you're appealing to ppl might not... the ending also wasn't my favorite.. the idea was awesome... peace you want, but fight against... but some of your other word choices were so amazing.. I expected more than long for and fight especially at the end... also ending with against made me think there should've been more... when I reread it I got it, but I might switch the two around...
Anyhow the piece was really great... for the most part it flowed well and you have some beautiful images and awesome word choices in there... feel free to respond to the review if you have any questions or wanna tell me im worng.. lol