for Living Again2/28/2012 c3 Love in All Forms
I really like this story.Please update soon.Matt is my favorite character.I think his relationship with Alexis is just AWESOME. This story is similar to twilight but I still love Living Again
I really like this story.Please update soon.Matt is my favorite character.I think his relationship with Alexis is just AWESOME. This story is similar to twilight but I still love Living Again
8/3/2010 c5 Midshadownight
Edward? Now I'm sure you've read Twilight. I won't judge you. Honestly, it isn't that bad of a book. It's just stereotyped. Is this inspired by it? Well...obviously it is :D Or at least it seems to be.
Edward? Now I'm sure you've read Twilight. I won't judge you. Honestly, it isn't that bad of a book. It's just stereotyped. Is this inspired by it? Well...obviously it is :D Or at least it seems to be.
8/3/2010 c4 Midshadownight
I really, really hope the doctor behaves. If not I'll have to stop reading :,( I like your story. It's very cute. Matt reminds me of Dr. Cullen from Twilight. I'm ashamed to say I'm read those books...no offense to you, that is, if you like them.
I really, really hope the doctor behaves. If not I'll have to stop reading :,( I like your story. It's very cute. Matt reminds me of Dr. Cullen from Twilight. I'm ashamed to say I'm read those books...no offense to you, that is, if you like them.
8/3/2010 c2 Midshadownight
Good! It really doesn't deserve an 'M' rating! I really, really like this, though. I don't, however, think that she'd be thinking of how good he looks when her family is dead and she's getting there. Just my opinion.
Good! It really doesn't deserve an 'M' rating! I really, really like this, though. I don't, however, think that she'd be thinking of how good he looks when her family is dead and she's getting there. Just my opinion.
8/3/2010 c1 Midshadownight
There are a few ways to improve. Most of them just trying to make things more smoother. Also, I thought the main character was a girl till it said her name. You might try, in the future, to not do that. But other then that it's really good! I like it! I want to keep reading. The part with the wife made me want to cry. Poor woman.
There are a few ways to improve. Most of them just trying to make things more smoother. Also, I thought the main character was a girl till it said her name. You might try, in the future, to not do that. But other then that it's really good! I like it! I want to keep reading. The part with the wife made me want to cry. Poor woman.
5/16/2009 c5 
24Amethystars
Love it! Not too graphic, but I'm still creeped out. And Matt is so nice! Great story!
24AmethystarsLove it! Not too graphic, but I'm still creeped out. And Matt is so nice! Great story!
10/2/2008 c1 Linore Rose
I was really caught off guard by this story. It was hard to get into at first, and I nearly left it. But it soon captured my attention and I couldn't stop! I would love to read more.
I was really caught off guard by this story. It was hard to get into at first, and I nearly left it. But it soon captured my attention and I couldn't stop! I would love to read more.
7/13/2008 c5 8somuchformyhappyending
I'm so glad you wrote another chapter! please write more soon! I love this story. :)
8somuchformyhappyendingI'm so glad you wrote another chapter! please write more soon! I love this story. :)
2/9/2008 c1 murderprotocol
First of all, I want to say thank you for adding my story to your alerts. I really appreciate it.
Secondly, I feel really excited about this story. Often when I check out the people who've reviewed/added/watched me, I find they don't write at all, or their work isn't my thing. But this is really promising. And it's not too often you see something in the mystery genre that isn't some Nancy Drew high school thing. So I'm really, really eager to read on and see how this develops.
Having said that, there is a few things I hope you won't mind me pointing out. You seem like a sweet person and you're asking for some serious critique, which is hard to come by here, and so I hope something I'll say will be of use to you and won't make you think I'm a big meanie.
- The opening. This was a little bland. I must admit that it almost turned me off reading. Decribing the physical features of your character right off the bat, especially if they're staring in a mirror, makes them sound a little vain and Mary-Suish. I definitely think the looks of characters are an integral part of a story, and if it's important to the plot further along the line, then by all means keep it.
Perhaps come up with a different way to include it, maybe further along, or in a slightly different setting. Like, you could mention she considers herself average after she gets dressed in her basic jeans and tee outfit, or talk about her hair when she puts it into a ponytail. Maybe you could even use Alexia's mother (Alexia is a gorgeous name, by the way!) calling her as the opening, instead of Alexia mentioning she heard her calling her. Dialogue's a great way to start.
- Many of the descriptions are great. By the end, I really started to imagine I was in the room, that I felt tired like Alexia and was curious to know who the men were, where she was and why they wanted her. But at a few points, I felt like it was too descriptive, almost to the point it was sounding like, 'I did this' and 'I saw that', you know? Don't be afraid to mix it up and leave some things to the reader's imagination. Experiment with sentence structure, use semi-colons, colons and hypens. And perhaps add in more emotive descriptions. Describe the scenery and tell us how that makes Alexia feel. Discuss her relationship with her sister. What are her parents like? Her dad's usually calm and reasonable, so is he a big intimidating man, or slight and friendly?
I also loved you added thoughts. Thoughts are great. I'm a big fan of them in third-person point of view, and it's good a way to add something more personal to a piece. But don't think you have to add 'I thought to myself' after every thought. Things in italics generally stand alone and people understand that it's a thought. However, I like this part (At least I had a pedicure two days ago, I thought as I looked at my toes). The little addition of her looking at her toes drove the point home. It almost made me look at my toes!
I didn't really feel Alexia was that scared though. If I'd been on a bus hijacked by strange men who killed a few people, knocked me unconscious with gas and then woke up in a jail cell I think I'd be freaking. I understand that adrenaline can kick in, and some people are quite calm in those sorts of situations, but a few more indications of her fear and anxiety would really lift Alexia's characters off the page. I think readers would probably empathise better, too. It's doesn't have to be anything huge - just maybe her banging on the door and begging to be let out when she tries the knob. Tears are always good, which is great that you added them. I thought where you added them was good too. You built up to that breakdown when a person's defenses go from 'gotta get outta here' to 'Oh God, my family'.
I love that her emotions came full circle. She started off unconscious in the jail cell and she ended that way. Exhaustion's a powerful and varying thing and you showed that well.
- The last two sentences did confuse me a little. Her sleep was dreamless, yet it was disturbed. It felt a little contradictory to me, because a dreamless sleep would generally indicate a peaceful sleep. Perhaps you could word it a slightly different way, so that even though she didn't dream, it was disturbed by her restlessness.
Other than that, I really enjoyed this. I hope that didn't come across too bad (I really don't know what I'm talking about sometimes, haha). For one of your first pieces, it's really quite good. I love the genre and I'm really curious to see what happens - where she is, who the men are, why they want her, what the bracelet is for, whether anyone else from the bus or elsewhere is with her, where her family are...
And dreams, they're such good inspiration, aren't they? A lot of my ideas come from dreams.
I'll be definitely adding this to my favourites and reading the rest of the chapters you've posted! I think you may have me hooked, and I haven't been hooked on a story here for some time!
Keep writing. :)
First of all, I want to say thank you for adding my story to your alerts. I really appreciate it.
Secondly, I feel really excited about this story. Often when I check out the people who've reviewed/added/watched me, I find they don't write at all, or their work isn't my thing. But this is really promising. And it's not too often you see something in the mystery genre that isn't some Nancy Drew high school thing. So I'm really, really eager to read on and see how this develops.
Having said that, there is a few things I hope you won't mind me pointing out. You seem like a sweet person and you're asking for some serious critique, which is hard to come by here, and so I hope something I'll say will be of use to you and won't make you think I'm a big meanie.
- The opening. This was a little bland. I must admit that it almost turned me off reading. Decribing the physical features of your character right off the bat, especially if they're staring in a mirror, makes them sound a little vain and Mary-Suish. I definitely think the looks of characters are an integral part of a story, and if it's important to the plot further along the line, then by all means keep it.
Perhaps come up with a different way to include it, maybe further along, or in a slightly different setting. Like, you could mention she considers herself average after she gets dressed in her basic jeans and tee outfit, or talk about her hair when she puts it into a ponytail. Maybe you could even use Alexia's mother (Alexia is a gorgeous name, by the way!) calling her as the opening, instead of Alexia mentioning she heard her calling her. Dialogue's a great way to start.
- Many of the descriptions are great. By the end, I really started to imagine I was in the room, that I felt tired like Alexia and was curious to know who the men were, where she was and why they wanted her. But at a few points, I felt like it was too descriptive, almost to the point it was sounding like, 'I did this' and 'I saw that', you know? Don't be afraid to mix it up and leave some things to the reader's imagination. Experiment with sentence structure, use semi-colons, colons and hypens. And perhaps add in more emotive descriptions. Describe the scenery and tell us how that makes Alexia feel. Discuss her relationship with her sister. What are her parents like? Her dad's usually calm and reasonable, so is he a big intimidating man, or slight and friendly?
I also loved you added thoughts. Thoughts are great. I'm a big fan of them in third-person point of view, and it's good a way to add something more personal to a piece. But don't think you have to add 'I thought to myself' after every thought. Things in italics generally stand alone and people understand that it's a thought. However, I like this part (At least I had a pedicure two days ago, I thought as I looked at my toes). The little addition of her looking at her toes drove the point home. It almost made me look at my toes!
I didn't really feel Alexia was that scared though. If I'd been on a bus hijacked by strange men who killed a few people, knocked me unconscious with gas and then woke up in a jail cell I think I'd be freaking. I understand that adrenaline can kick in, and some people are quite calm in those sorts of situations, but a few more indications of her fear and anxiety would really lift Alexia's characters off the page. I think readers would probably empathise better, too. It's doesn't have to be anything huge - just maybe her banging on the door and begging to be let out when she tries the knob. Tears are always good, which is great that you added them. I thought where you added them was good too. You built up to that breakdown when a person's defenses go from 'gotta get outta here' to 'Oh God, my family'.
I love that her emotions came full circle. She started off unconscious in the jail cell and she ended that way. Exhaustion's a powerful and varying thing and you showed that well.
- The last two sentences did confuse me a little. Her sleep was dreamless, yet it was disturbed. It felt a little contradictory to me, because a dreamless sleep would generally indicate a peaceful sleep. Perhaps you could word it a slightly different way, so that even though she didn't dream, it was disturbed by her restlessness.
Other than that, I really enjoyed this. I hope that didn't come across too bad (I really don't know what I'm talking about sometimes, haha). For one of your first pieces, it's really quite good. I love the genre and I'm really curious to see what happens - where she is, who the men are, why they want her, what the bracelet is for, whether anyone else from the bus or elsewhere is with her, where her family are...
And dreams, they're such good inspiration, aren't they? A lot of my ideas come from dreams.
I'll be definitely adding this to my favourites and reading the rest of the chapters you've posted! I think you may have me hooked, and I haven't been hooked on a story here for some time!
Keep writing. :)
12/30/2007 c4 Need the happy ending
seriously, i hate when a story gets updated but it doesn't show up on my end as being updated!
that's what's happened to your story (and it's not the first on FP that I have to check the author's profile to see if a new chapter has been posted).
anywho...enough of my rant. I like the chapter. Though I have to say that Matt is very touchy-feely with a girl he found starved and shot.
seriously, i hate when a story gets updated but it doesn't show up on my end as being updated!
that's what's happened to your story (and it's not the first on FP that I have to check the author's profile to see if a new chapter has been posted).
anywho...enough of my rant. I like the chapter. Though I have to say that Matt is very touchy-feely with a girl he found starved and shot.
12/22/2007 c4 somuchformyhappyending
Aww...I really liked this so far. I hope you continue. you're a very good writer, as well. :) great job.
bec
Aww...I really liked this so far. I hope you continue. you're a very good writer, as well. :) great job.
bec