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for sahara new

1/20/2008 c1 368EWindheim
This is amazing. Great use of imagry!
1/6/2008 c1 102Midnight In Eden
Couple thoughts:

1. The line break in the second stanza... bit awkward. It breaks it up in a jarring way. Perhaps breaking it after "sand" might work better.

2. I'm thinking about the placement of the "while". It's almost operating as a semi colon here but it's also not. If it's the former, then it's appropriately placed. However if it's the latter then I'm thinking it might work better on the sole line of "you, alone"

3. I dislike the repetition of "alone". I think something about being apart or separate might work better. I get the image of two people who are in the same place but not together and as such the "alone" would work well for both of them if it didn't feel wrong.

4. "a thirsty sun that drinks from the desert." feels like an extraordinarily empty line in comparison to the rest of the piece. I think because it is so static and almost too stark in context.

5. It's not bad but again I'm drawn to the single line. Firstly because "lamenting the wind" feels a bit too melodramatic and secondly because I'm not sure it works to be singled out like that. It's almost like you're placing the most emphasis on that particular image than anything else in the piece when I think it should be on part with the next stanza.

Some things to think about I guess. It's an interesting piece, much further along now but I still find there's room for improvement, even if just slightly.

Midnight
12/22/2007 c1 22lost for words
I really love the wording, it's very well put, and the last two lines are spectacular and end the piece perfectly. I couldn't find any criticism, sorry about that.

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