for Mystical Wish7/2/2010 c1 Magical Mage Inventor
Ah! It's really easy to read and understand and um... a great idea! (?) I think it's kinda lacking in uh... emotions?
Ah! It's really easy to read and understand and um... a great idea! (?) I think it's kinda lacking in uh... emotions?
6/26/2009 c19 
13gigglebug
heylo! :D
There's something about Shine's character that doesn't seem right. In the last chapter, she was all flirty and somewhat of an airhead, but she was conscious of this fact and used to her advantage, making her clever. But in this chapter she's all serious and too traumatized to help the others make a plan. I know her granmum has be taken hostage, but I think she should try to retain some cleverness even in the face of danger. Not quite sure how you would implement that, but it's a judgment call.
Also, I just thought about this. If Shine's the talk of the town (among the boys, anyway) wouldn't they want to find her and talk to her? a LOT? it might be worth mentioning when you switch to the viewpoint of the guards that they had to get rid of a couple of boys who kept coming near the house. maybe even capture one, or something. (can't forget about those minor characters, :P )
In the sentences with the italics, I don't think it's necessary for the quotation marks around them. It's one of those implied things, and the quotation marks make it overkill. Just a note :)
"They were white from the lack of blood flowing to them." I think they would be purple from the halt in circulation... ever tie a string around your finger? I dunno about you, but mine turns purple.
and um, if they were smart, wouldn't they have tried to take her somewhere else? the house is too easy. *brick'd*
"...never having to worry about anything again." I would omit this, since that's never true for the bad guys. XD
besides, I refuse to believe that those three men aren't working for a higher-up. (This is just a thinking-out-loud statement, you can disregard that XD )
"Surprised by the sudden ambush," yay cliched attacks! *brick'd* sorry, I'm talking nonsense now. ha!
oh, and right after that sentence, change "men" to "man."
"...for someone had to keep a watch on her, and they couldn’t do it in the dark." implied; judgment call for omitting.
"“Crap!” He yelled before he dashed back into the room, but he was too late." that's anticlimactic. surely you have a better curse word? just kidding. I'm not a fan of them myself, but sometimes you just need one.
"“Oh?” The man asked, controlling the frustration that was welling up inside him. “But you aren’t aware, are you? I still have one more chance.”" unnecessary dialogue... you can keep it, but it doesn't need to be there, I think.
"stop the chaos that has erupted in this world." I didn't think it was that bad, but if you say so...
"My daughter was the one who had possessed the stone before Shine." mar? what happened to her? (or does that get answered later? :P )
"...settled everything with lady Emrie and had moved in immediately that day." lady should be capitalized.
yay, chapter! it was a good length, too :D
way to be. ^^
13gigglebugheylo! :D
There's something about Shine's character that doesn't seem right. In the last chapter, she was all flirty and somewhat of an airhead, but she was conscious of this fact and used to her advantage, making her clever. But in this chapter she's all serious and too traumatized to help the others make a plan. I know her granmum has be taken hostage, but I think she should try to retain some cleverness even in the face of danger. Not quite sure how you would implement that, but it's a judgment call.
Also, I just thought about this. If Shine's the talk of the town (among the boys, anyway) wouldn't they want to find her and talk to her? a LOT? it might be worth mentioning when you switch to the viewpoint of the guards that they had to get rid of a couple of boys who kept coming near the house. maybe even capture one, or something. (can't forget about those minor characters, :P )
In the sentences with the italics, I don't think it's necessary for the quotation marks around them. It's one of those implied things, and the quotation marks make it overkill. Just a note :)
"They were white from the lack of blood flowing to them." I think they would be purple from the halt in circulation... ever tie a string around your finger? I dunno about you, but mine turns purple.
and um, if they were smart, wouldn't they have tried to take her somewhere else? the house is too easy. *brick'd*
"...never having to worry about anything again." I would omit this, since that's never true for the bad guys. XD
besides, I refuse to believe that those three men aren't working for a higher-up. (This is just a thinking-out-loud statement, you can disregard that XD )
"Surprised by the sudden ambush," yay cliched attacks! *brick'd* sorry, I'm talking nonsense now. ha!
oh, and right after that sentence, change "men" to "man."
"...for someone had to keep a watch on her, and they couldn’t do it in the dark." implied; judgment call for omitting.
"“Crap!” He yelled before he dashed back into the room, but he was too late." that's anticlimactic. surely you have a better curse word? just kidding. I'm not a fan of them myself, but sometimes you just need one.
"“Oh?” The man asked, controlling the frustration that was welling up inside him. “But you aren’t aware, are you? I still have one more chance.”" unnecessary dialogue... you can keep it, but it doesn't need to be there, I think.
"stop the chaos that has erupted in this world." I didn't think it was that bad, but if you say so...
"My daughter was the one who had possessed the stone before Shine." mar? what happened to her? (or does that get answered later? :P )
"...settled everything with lady Emrie and had moved in immediately that day." lady should be capitalized.
yay, chapter! it was a good length, too :D
way to be. ^^
6/7/2009 c18 gigglebug
Ehehe. The part with the boys made me chuckle.
“Well, if you’re alright, I guess I’ll take my leave.” personal thing, I don't like 'take my leave'. sounds too formal for just having run into somebody in the market. judgment call, though. I'd also change the "said nonchalantly" to just "shrugged". again, judgment call.
"How is that boy, and his friend for that matter, able to just walk away from her after all that she had done?" add 'it' before 'that'. then take the part between the commas out and read it to yourself. (a nice trick about commas :D ) personally, I would take out the commas and 'for that matter' since it's somewhat repetitive and instead put 'were' before able. Thus: "How is it that boy and his friend were able to just walk away from her?" oh yeah, I would separate the last bit into it's own sentence too, but if you ask me, she didn't really DO anything... y'know? (wow that's long. moving on. XD )
"Edwin was slightly flustered, he didn’t want to go, but he didn’t know what to do either." Two sentences, please? break it after flustered. (good word, by the way. hehe!)
Emerald is jealous! XD for some reason, this amuses me greatly. haha!
"“How was your day?”" but, but! it just started! X_X
"She had forgotten that her grandmother was also in the house!" that soon? she's a bit young to be forgetting things. so, is she in the back? how do the 5 men not see her? confusion ensues. *brick'd*
there were 5 of them! why couldn't they attack her when grandmum was advising? sorry, I'm throwing holes into your wonderful story. D: maybe have the one dude tell the others to wait?
mrawr. is Emerald still intent on getting home? I don't remember the point of them running around. don't forget where you started, or you'll forget where you're going.
fabulous! PM me if you need any help with anything further, I'm happy to help. :3
Have a wonderful day! *grin*
Ehehe. The part with the boys made me chuckle.
“Well, if you’re alright, I guess I’ll take my leave.” personal thing, I don't like 'take my leave'. sounds too formal for just having run into somebody in the market. judgment call, though. I'd also change the "said nonchalantly" to just "shrugged". again, judgment call.
"How is that boy, and his friend for that matter, able to just walk away from her after all that she had done?" add 'it' before 'that'. then take the part between the commas out and read it to yourself. (a nice trick about commas :D ) personally, I would take out the commas and 'for that matter' since it's somewhat repetitive and instead put 'were' before able. Thus: "How is it that boy and his friend were able to just walk away from her?" oh yeah, I would separate the last bit into it's own sentence too, but if you ask me, she didn't really DO anything... y'know? (wow that's long. moving on. XD )
"Edwin was slightly flustered, he didn’t want to go, but he didn’t know what to do either." Two sentences, please? break it after flustered. (good word, by the way. hehe!)
Emerald is jealous! XD for some reason, this amuses me greatly. haha!
"“How was your day?”" but, but! it just started! X_X
"She had forgotten that her grandmother was also in the house!" that soon? she's a bit young to be forgetting things. so, is she in the back? how do the 5 men not see her? confusion ensues. *brick'd*
there were 5 of them! why couldn't they attack her when grandmum was advising? sorry, I'm throwing holes into your wonderful story. D: maybe have the one dude tell the others to wait?
mrawr. is Emerald still intent on getting home? I don't remember the point of them running around. don't forget where you started, or you'll forget where you're going.
fabulous! PM me if you need any help with anything further, I'm happy to help. :3
Have a wonderful day! *grin*
5/10/2009 c17 gigglebug
"He seemed to be thinking the same things as Emerald." Err, that's just an odd comment. If you wanted me to be technical, it's problems with the narrator (that's not an offense to you, xD) switching from omni-present to 3rd person limited (with Emerald's thoughts about what she should do next). Depending on which one you want, either change Emerald's thoughts to be in omni-present or change Edwin's to be 3rd person.
And, actually, I just realized that if you changed Emerald's thoughts to be in italics and make it 1st person, that would make this much easier. xD PM me if you need help!
"Sensing a slight movement at his peripheral vision" slight? there's a scythe coming at him! aha. *brick'd*
“Tell me then, why are you like this now?” uhh, like what, fighting?
“…” Just put something like, He stood frozen above her, the scythe still raised over his head, waiting to strike. What you have is kinda... odd.
The rest of it is cute! :3 I like it. Lots and lots. :3
"And that’s how the trio stayed for the rest of the day, each silently giving their support to each other, but to Core especially, sharing in his pain and welcoming him back into their arms." I have issues with this, though. It sounds too finishing.. y'know? Kinda like a 'happily ever after' kind of ending paragraph. Not sure what you're looking for, but put something in there that will make us want to come back and read the next chapter. =]
Well done! Can't wait to see the next chapters!
~gigglebug
aka
Sheriff
"He seemed to be thinking the same things as Emerald." Err, that's just an odd comment. If you wanted me to be technical, it's problems with the narrator (that's not an offense to you, xD) switching from omni-present to 3rd person limited (with Emerald's thoughts about what she should do next). Depending on which one you want, either change Emerald's thoughts to be in omni-present or change Edwin's to be 3rd person.
And, actually, I just realized that if you changed Emerald's thoughts to be in italics and make it 1st person, that would make this much easier. xD PM me if you need help!
"Sensing a slight movement at his peripheral vision" slight? there's a scythe coming at him! aha. *brick'd*
“Tell me then, why are you like this now?” uhh, like what, fighting?
“…” Just put something like, He stood frozen above her, the scythe still raised over his head, waiting to strike. What you have is kinda... odd.
The rest of it is cute! :3 I like it. Lots and lots. :3
"And that’s how the trio stayed for the rest of the day, each silently giving their support to each other, but to Core especially, sharing in his pain and welcoming him back into their arms." I have issues with this, though. It sounds too finishing.. y'know? Kinda like a 'happily ever after' kind of ending paragraph. Not sure what you're looking for, but put something in there that will make us want to come back and read the next chapter. =]
Well done! Can't wait to see the next chapters!
~gigglebug
aka
Sheriff
2/4/2009 c15 gigglebug
"They both turned to him." aah, confusing. which he is turning to the other he?
"They both turned to him. “Run away. Save yourself. You can’t take him.” “But…” Emerald’s eyes overflowed with tears now; tears that she couldn’t hold back. “What about you?”"
this doesn't make sense to me, ah! she's telling him to run away and save himself, but then she's worried about what will happen to him? she's about to get massacred by a frackin' ginormous scythe, for heaven's sake! blah. if you need help clarifying this, PM me or something lol.
"He pushed her hands away from him." I'm assuming Edwin, but please clarify.
*lightbulb moment* If it said "they both turned to HER", that would make so much more sense. sort of. gah, I'll let you figure it out, it's too early in the morning for this. xD
hooray, Core's not a jerk (sort of) after all! *loves again* except he still might kill them. _ darnit. haha.
way to be. :3
"They both turned to him." aah, confusing. which he is turning to the other he?
"They both turned to him. “Run away. Save yourself. You can’t take him.” “But…” Emerald’s eyes overflowed with tears now; tears that she couldn’t hold back. “What about you?”"
this doesn't make sense to me, ah! she's telling him to run away and save himself, but then she's worried about what will happen to him? she's about to get massacred by a frackin' ginormous scythe, for heaven's sake! blah. if you need help clarifying this, PM me or something lol.
"He pushed her hands away from him." I'm assuming Edwin, but please clarify.
*lightbulb moment* If it said "they both turned to HER", that would make so much more sense. sort of. gah, I'll let you figure it out, it's too early in the morning for this. xD
hooray, Core's not a jerk (sort of) after all! *loves again* except he still might kill them. _ darnit. haha.
way to be. :3
1/10/2009 c14 gigglebug
NO
you have to make me wait for-friggin-ever to get the next chapter, too! T_T
Awwh, I liked him at the beginning of the chapter. I don't like him that much now, now that he's betrayed his friends. :(
Oh, but the format and everything looks good - just a couple tense issues. I would suggest reading it out loud to find them.
'Til next time!
~gigglebug
NO
you have to make me wait for-friggin-ever to get the next chapter, too! T_T
Awwh, I liked him at the beginning of the chapter. I don't like him that much now, now that he's betrayed his friends. :(
Oh, but the format and everything looks good - just a couple tense issues. I would suggest reading it out loud to find them.
'Til next time!
~gigglebug
8/28/2008 c12 13gigglebug
YAY! Dean is alive. =) Now onto regular business:
"he wanted them to search as quickly as they could before Zane disappears out of their lives forever." disappear = disappeared? makes more sense with the tense and all. =]
"After a few minutes of walking, the re head stopped." ;) re=red?
"he also knew that Zane was the one who plays the most important role in the group" played; it's a tense thing.
"It can’t be." When he's talking about his father, it's all in past. I think it's a tense issue, but I like couldn't instead of can't.
"nothing registered in those lifeless eyes." those could be his, but it's a judgement call here.
"Without hi, the building would crumble into dust." yay, typos! xD
"Screw the lies, he can deal with them later." Hmm... I think it would fit better if Zane was thinking this, i.e. Screw the lies, he though, I can deal with them later. Then he runs off and saves the day. Hurray!
"I never doubled you for a second." typoes, hurrah! ;)
Zane's name a pun? I missed it. xD
And no, I didn't think he was going to burn the village down. =P
Yay! Hope I was helpful. =)
13gigglebugYAY! Dean is alive. =) Now onto regular business:
"he wanted them to search as quickly as they could before Zane disappears out of their lives forever." disappear = disappeared? makes more sense with the tense and all. =]
"After a few minutes of walking, the re head stopped." ;) re=red?
"he also knew that Zane was the one who plays the most important role in the group" played; it's a tense thing.
"It can’t be." When he's talking about his father, it's all in past. I think it's a tense issue, but I like couldn't instead of can't.
"nothing registered in those lifeless eyes." those could be his, but it's a judgement call here.
"Without hi, the building would crumble into dust." yay, typos! xD
"Screw the lies, he can deal with them later." Hmm... I think it would fit better if Zane was thinking this, i.e. Screw the lies, he though, I can deal with them later. Then he runs off and saves the day. Hurray!
"I never doubled you for a second." typoes, hurrah! ;)
Zane's name a pun? I missed it. xD
And no, I didn't think he was going to burn the village down. =P
Yay! Hope I was helpful. =)
8/7/2008 c11 gigglebug
*sob*
Nicely done, dear. I liked how you changed the focus from Emerald to Dean, but I'm guessing Dean is dead now? =(
A couple tense issues, I would suggest putting the document in Word to fix them.
Darn Zane... ;)
*sob*
Nicely done, dear. I liked how you changed the focus from Emerald to Dean, but I'm guessing Dean is dead now? =(
A couple tense issues, I would suggest putting the document in Word to fix them.
Darn Zane... ;)
7/26/2008 c10 gigglebug
YAY!
I go away for a couple days, and you have 2 chapters when I come back! Where have I been? ;D
Nicely done, once again. It's ridiculously fascinating, and I can't wait to see how this will end! I'm starting to come to a couple conclusions, but we'll see how those turn out later...
Keep writing, my lovely!
YAY!
I go away for a couple days, and you have 2 chapters when I come back! Where have I been? ;D
Nicely done, once again. It's ridiculously fascinating, and I can't wait to see how this will end! I'm starting to come to a couple conclusions, but we'll see how those turn out later...
Keep writing, my lovely!
5/24/2008 c7 gigglebug
Your last a/n note made me think about one of those old radio series. you know, the ones that are like "When we last left our heroes..." lol. So chipper, I like it. -^.^-
Yay! Core is my favourite character! me gusta. hurrah for character development.
Hmm... I'm not sure I like the flashback thingys, but I don't really do flashbacks. It seems very choppy. Maybe while Core is staring into the flames, just say something like he started thinking about this that and the other thing, and then put the whole flashback-part in italics? I dunno, it's a judgement call on that one. ;)
*excitment ensues!* Keep up on teh awesomeness!
~gigglebug
Your last a/n note made me think about one of those old radio series. you know, the ones that are like "When we last left our heroes..." lol. So chipper, I like it. -^.^-
Yay! Core is my favourite character! me gusta. hurrah for character development.
Hmm... I'm not sure I like the flashback thingys, but I don't really do flashbacks. It seems very choppy. Maybe while Core is staring into the flames, just say something like he started thinking about this that and the other thing, and then put the whole flashback-part in italics? I dunno, it's a judgement call on that one. ;)
*excitment ensues!* Keep up on teh awesomeness!
~gigglebug
5/11/2008 c6 26Melladonna
It's nice to see you updating again. It's been a while. I hope your next update is sooner! Good luck!
26MelladonnaIt's nice to see you updating again. It's been a while. I hope your next update is sooner! Good luck!
5/4/2008 c6 13gigglebug
I fall in love with this story the more I read it. =D
Quick notes... check this sentence: "Knowing that he was safe was enough thanks for them." perhaps put a 'was' after enough?
Also, maybe make this bit ("'So, ' Lavender smirked evilly. 'You found me.'
Then, she laughed. 'Might as well, because it will be easier for me to finish you off!') one line/paragraph/whatever you want to call it instead of two.
Hurrah for another chapter! Maybe I can go update my stories now, too... ;)
13gigglebugI fall in love with this story the more I read it. =D
Quick notes... check this sentence: "Knowing that he was safe was enough thanks for them." perhaps put a 'was' after enough?
Also, maybe make this bit ("'So, ' Lavender smirked evilly. 'You found me.'
Then, she laughed. 'Might as well, because it will be easier for me to finish you off!') one line/paragraph/whatever you want to call it instead of two.
Hurrah for another chapter! Maybe I can go update my stories now, too... ;)
4/27/2008 c5 26Melladonna
It has been a while since I've read this story. I really liked your newest installment and I hope that you'll update soon! Congrats on nearly 10 reviews!
26MelladonnaIt has been a while since I've read this story. I really liked your newest installment and I hope that you'll update soon! Congrats on nearly 10 reviews!