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2/24/2015 c1 SophieBeaLouise
Love it! You're a great writer! :) :) Brilliant!
1/21/2009 c1 9TuneOut
I thought that this was a very well written oneshot. There was a lot of emotion packed into it which I thought was well done and effective. Even though this was short, you were able to get a sense of the impact and past that the girl had.

The only critique I had was this, "show their affections to them and not even a slight attribute fitted my father." It may be just me since I think you're using the word attribute correctly but it feels awkwardly phrased.

Very nice job!
6/29/2008 c1 4GrannyP
I don't know why I didn't read this until now... hmm...

For such a short piece, this has a very powerful message. I am sure that a lot of people can relate to it. Take me, for example. I was adopted, and I have no idea who my biological father is. But, whoever that man is, I would never consider him my father because there is another man who raised me since I was a young child-he's my real father. So yeah, you make a good point-it's not about blood, it's about the actions that follow.

Nice work.
3/30/2008 c1 8Written
wow! very original and stirring piece. my good friend has a TERRIBLE biological father too, so I was able to immediately recognize the sentiments presented here.

and you presented them so well! this line in particular had a lot of clarity and anger behind it: "I foolishly believed that the man who is partly responsible for conceiving me was actually my father."

my only change to this would be to make it "who WAS partly responsible", as the story is mostly written in past tense. up to you of course.

good, strong piece, and it's fairly circular in the way the beginning and ends match.

I'm glad I read this! anything else you'd like me to read?
1/20/2008 c1 9faerie-gumdrops
Ooh interesting! I've never read a one shot about this kind of thing before, and it's always exciting to see something new - so high five to you for originality!

Yes, I high five. I live in the nineties or something, I dunno lol.

Also I really liked the way that you put yourself into the shoes of someone on TV. Again, something that is not seen very often.

I like the whole angry tone of this (and let's face it - the narrator has a right to be pretty pissed off with her dad), and the opening line is especially effective. It's so sad that she never got the love from their father that their friend's did and got abused instead, and how horrible seeing her mum being beaten - I liked your use of 'mummy' here, really emphasises the innocence of the child at the time.

Also, I really liked the part of the whole choice between the man being 'twisted or was not my father' and the way that the girl changes her mind in the end. Also, the last line fits really well with the first.

Thanks for writing this - it was really interestinng and new, and although it's quite short, there's a whole lot of power packed into it. Well done!

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