for To Life from Ashes3/2/2008 c1 blackbubbleblue
I like it. You're a really good author!
I like the whole modern thing.
Anyways it's really good please write more!
I like it. You're a really good author!
I like the whole modern thing.
Anyways it's really good please write more!
1/4/2008 c1 
7Translucently Opaque
Okay, first off, I -love- that quote! To get back to your story; spectacular. Really intriguing and well-written. Not that those points are unusual for you… There are, of course, some points that could use improvement. Question first though. When you say that it‘s ‘hopefully the beginning of a series,’ did you mean a series of short stories, or a series of novels?
Airis’ description, though written well, seems slightly awkward. It comes off as an infodump. Descriptions usually work better when you do only little pieces at a time and connect them with actions, or when you use the dialogue and reactions of others. The first you used when you say ‘her crystal blue eyes captured his…’ and the second when Jake describes her as a ‘hot chick.’ It wouldn’t be difficult to incorporate the description into the story in a more ‘flowy’ way. For example, mention her tangled raven locks when she runs her hand through her hair, or have her readjust her black trench coat and pull up the boots. I really do like her description, she has a very cool look, I just think it could be presented in a better way.
“Both watched from the stoop the sidewalk that ran outside the alley, waiting for an image to accompany the sound.” This sentence needs to be rearranged. Maybe starting it with ‘from the stoop, they both watched the sidewalk…’ instead.
“…I see completion everyday.” Should be ‘every day.’
“I am invisible to all whose souls still burn with the flame of life—those with souls, of course." This seems redundant. The second half, after the hyphen, isn’t needed.
Update soon.
7Translucently OpaqueOkay, first off, I -love- that quote! To get back to your story; spectacular. Really intriguing and well-written. Not that those points are unusual for you… There are, of course, some points that could use improvement. Question first though. When you say that it‘s ‘hopefully the beginning of a series,’ did you mean a series of short stories, or a series of novels?
Airis’ description, though written well, seems slightly awkward. It comes off as an infodump. Descriptions usually work better when you do only little pieces at a time and connect them with actions, or when you use the dialogue and reactions of others. The first you used when you say ‘her crystal blue eyes captured his…’ and the second when Jake describes her as a ‘hot chick.’ It wouldn’t be difficult to incorporate the description into the story in a more ‘flowy’ way. For example, mention her tangled raven locks when she runs her hand through her hair, or have her readjust her black trench coat and pull up the boots. I really do like her description, she has a very cool look, I just think it could be presented in a better way.
“Both watched from the stoop the sidewalk that ran outside the alley, waiting for an image to accompany the sound.” This sentence needs to be rearranged. Maybe starting it with ‘from the stoop, they both watched the sidewalk…’ instead.
“…I see completion everyday.” Should be ‘every day.’
“I am invisible to all whose souls still burn with the flame of life—those with souls, of course." This seems redundant. The second half, after the hyphen, isn’t needed.
Update soon.