for A Hard Holiday8/3/2009 c1 
12StaringATAwall
Hi. I feel the emotion you put into this. What you say is true and i can tell you honestly feel every word you wrote - and it was well written.
12StaringATAwallHi. I feel the emotion you put into this. What you say is true and i can tell you honestly feel every word you wrote - and it was well written.
3/15/2008 c1 460Time To Change
(review game)
This is amazing. I love the first two lines and the final line is really raw, a really striking idea to end on.
I'm not sure if the "for" is necessary in the second stanza, I felt it made it slightly confusing.
460Time To Change(review game)
This is amazing. I love the first two lines and the final line is really raw, a really striking idea to end on.
I'm not sure if the "for" is necessary in the second stanza, I felt it made it slightly confusing.
3/13/2008 c3 31writingxonxwalls
review game! =)
Wowza, I like this poem a lot. It shows someone suffering because of someone else's happiness, sort of. It seems that the narrator doesn't really feel unwelcome, but more like he or she doesn't really want to be there. Am I right? Kind of? Not really? Haha. I really liked the part "Let's keep the tombs of your family clean. / While mine are filled with bodies."
The only thing I would probably look at would be commas. Maybe instead of always ending with a period, you could use commas, like:
"May your relative be never at peace, / But mine will rest there."
=]
Great job!
-WxOxW
31writingxonxwallsreview game! =)
Wowza, I like this poem a lot. It shows someone suffering because of someone else's happiness, sort of. It seems that the narrator doesn't really feel unwelcome, but more like he or she doesn't really want to be there. Am I right? Kind of? Not really? Haha. I really liked the part "Let's keep the tombs of your family clean. / While mine are filled with bodies."
The only thing I would probably look at would be commas. Maybe instead of always ending with a period, you could use commas, like:
"May your relative be never at peace, / But mine will rest there."
=]
Great job!
-WxOxW
2/24/2008 c4 24ilovetheopera
i am not sure who is the 'you' that you're referring to. suitably ambiguous though, for a poem such as this. i could understand the poem without having to know exactly who the 'you' was, though it'd be better if you could give a better idea of who the 'you' is. it'd make the poem more complete.
the first line drew me in, 'grief whistles through me'- it felt appropriate, like a shot of sadness that made the persona of the poem feel particularly hopeless or desperate.
'it was your mother/it is your father'- i'm assuming that this means the people who have died or gone through a harsh period of sickness. however, i had the impression that your father was the one in hospital? this made me kinda confused about the people the poem was referring to. could be clearer.
i love the second verse, 'constant machinations' is one of my favourite lines partly because it sounds so alien and impersonal and partly because i like long words. the last two lines are really terribly sad because it's like the persona needs to be comforted and yet she cannot trust the person who would understand.
gives a very suitable feeling of hopelessness and yes, grief. a good effort. the things that confused me were not important enough to deter me from enjoying it.
24ilovetheoperai am not sure who is the 'you' that you're referring to. suitably ambiguous though, for a poem such as this. i could understand the poem without having to know exactly who the 'you' was, though it'd be better if you could give a better idea of who the 'you' is. it'd make the poem more complete.
the first line drew me in, 'grief whistles through me'- it felt appropriate, like a shot of sadness that made the persona of the poem feel particularly hopeless or desperate.
'it was your mother/it is your father'- i'm assuming that this means the people who have died or gone through a harsh period of sickness. however, i had the impression that your father was the one in hospital? this made me kinda confused about the people the poem was referring to. could be clearer.
i love the second verse, 'constant machinations' is one of my favourite lines partly because it sounds so alien and impersonal and partly because i like long words. the last two lines are really terribly sad because it's like the persona needs to be comforted and yet she cannot trust the person who would understand.
gives a very suitable feeling of hopelessness and yes, grief. a good effort. the things that confused me were not important enough to deter me from enjoying it.
2/22/2008 c4 42Landon Stray
Wow. Amzing. Heartfelt. I loved all of them. Honestly, this is one of the best pieces of poetry I've ever read. Good job, and keep writing.
42Landon StrayWow. Amzing. Heartfelt. I loved all of them. Honestly, this is one of the best pieces of poetry I've ever read. Good job, and keep writing.
2/22/2008 c2 72angel953
So far, I've read the first two poems. I like them both a lot. I noticed you don't always start lines with a capital. Bear with me as I may be wrong on this; but, I believe in poetry you are supposed to start new lines with a capital. If I'm wrong, then disregard that, sorry. In this second poem; however, in the first stanza, line number two, you say "Put on a happy happy face". I'm not sure if you meant to have happy in there twice or not, but I noticed it and wanted to let you know in case it was a typo. Hopefully this has been helpful. Keep up the good work!
~angel953 (from the review game)
72angel953So far, I've read the first two poems. I like them both a lot. I noticed you don't always start lines with a capital. Bear with me as I may be wrong on this; but, I believe in poetry you are supposed to start new lines with a capital. If I'm wrong, then disregard that, sorry. In this second poem; however, in the first stanza, line number two, you say "Put on a happy happy face". I'm not sure if you meant to have happy in there twice or not, but I noticed it and wanted to let you know in case it was a typo. Hopefully this has been helpful. Keep up the good work!
~angel953 (from the review game)
2/17/2008 c4 612simpleplan13
I like this one too... machinations is an awesome word... and the last two lines are really powerful... and the first line is awesome as well
The only part I didn't like was the third and fourth line... it seemed odd... it seemed like the word know needed to be repeated or maybe understand or something with the wording made me want another verb...
Anyhow really great collection and well done...
612simpleplan13I like this one too... machinations is an awesome word... and the last two lines are really powerful... and the first line is awesome as well
The only part I didn't like was the third and fourth line... it seemed odd... it seemed like the word know needed to be repeated or maybe understand or something with the wording made me want another verb...
Anyhow really great collection and well done...
2/17/2008 c3 simpleplan13
I like... the sarcasm in the beginning is great and the words choice like "vacuous" and "sufferance" I also love the ending with the tombs... that was a really powerful metaphor...
A couple of things...
"shouldn’t irritate me."... the rest of the piece is so angry and powerful... I feel like shouldn't doesn't stick with the tone... like it should be can't or won't
In the third stanza the last line seems to long... and the last two lines didn't flow as well of the rest of the piece in my opinion... it seemed like those three lines could really be similified into two... "Rooms are cleaned for space/ but none reserved for grief" or something like that...
In the last stanza the punctuation is off... at the end of the first line it should be a comma because the second line isn't a sentence. Same with the third and last line.
It's a really great piece as I said.. I think it's my favorite in the collection so far...
I like... the sarcasm in the beginning is great and the words choice like "vacuous" and "sufferance" I also love the ending with the tombs... that was a really powerful metaphor...
A couple of things...
"shouldn’t irritate me."... the rest of the piece is so angry and powerful... I feel like shouldn't doesn't stick with the tone... like it should be can't or won't
In the third stanza the last line seems to long... and the last two lines didn't flow as well of the rest of the piece in my opinion... it seemed like those three lines could really be similified into two... "Rooms are cleaned for space/ but none reserved for grief" or something like that...
In the last stanza the punctuation is off... at the end of the first line it should be a comma because the second line isn't a sentence. Same with the third and last line.
It's a really great piece as I said.. I think it's my favorite in the collection so far...
2/12/2008 c1 3massattraction
Thats really powerful, I personally like the first stanza best.
Really great how you've managed to put all that emotion into this with such a basic form of poetry,
keep it up, your doing great.
3massattractionThats really powerful, I personally like the first stanza best.
Really great how you've managed to put all that emotion into this with such a basic form of poetry,
keep it up, your doing great.
2/9/2008 c2 612simpleplan13
I like the tone here... very nonchalant...
The first stanza is great... the idea of pretending to be happy and the last line sort of connects it to the last piece
The second stanza confused me.. it made it seem like they wanted you gone period... whereas before you were allowed to stay if you pretended you were happy... maybe it's because I do not know the background... but I would make it focus on your sadness rather then your actual being... like your heartache doesn't belong.. you were allowed to mourn when they were gone... just a thought
I like the last stanza a lot... the "no echoes" line was really great and the last line was really great...
Again a really great piece.. a totally different tone than the first one, but still flows well together
612simpleplan13I like the tone here... very nonchalant...
The first stanza is great... the idea of pretending to be happy and the last line sort of connects it to the last piece
The second stanza confused me.. it made it seem like they wanted you gone period... whereas before you were allowed to stay if you pretended you were happy... maybe it's because I do not know the background... but I would make it focus on your sadness rather then your actual being... like your heartache doesn't belong.. you were allowed to mourn when they were gone... just a thought
I like the last stanza a lot... the "no echoes" line was really great and the last line was really great...
Again a really great piece.. a totally different tone than the first one, but still flows well together
2/9/2008 c1 simpleplan13
Ok I really love the first line, but it seems really long compared to the the rest of the stanza... the rest of the first stanza is great... I really love the third and fourth line...
The second stanza I liked.. the idea of how we're consumed with our selfish silly problems is a good point, but you say those who have cried feel and that seems off to me because everyone cries.. I might use truly suffered or something that would distinguish real pain from pettiness better
I like how you say you might seem heartless when basically in the last stanza you implied they were heartless that was great... I like the phrase banal politeness... and how you go back to it being them who are heartless
I LOVE the last line.. its beautiful and powerful.. however the rest of the piece seems connected... the second stanza answers the first stanza's question and then the second & third stanzas are connected by the heartless... this seems sort of separate if that makes sense.. I might italicize it or parenthesize it or something, but that's just me
Anyhow... its a really powerful piece was a really wonderful message.. awesome job
Ok I really love the first line, but it seems really long compared to the the rest of the stanza... the rest of the first stanza is great... I really love the third and fourth line...
The second stanza I liked.. the idea of how we're consumed with our selfish silly problems is a good point, but you say those who have cried feel and that seems off to me because everyone cries.. I might use truly suffered or something that would distinguish real pain from pettiness better
I like how you say you might seem heartless when basically in the last stanza you implied they were heartless that was great... I like the phrase banal politeness... and how you go back to it being them who are heartless
I LOVE the last line.. its beautiful and powerful.. however the rest of the piece seems connected... the second stanza answers the first stanza's question and then the second & third stanzas are connected by the heartless... this seems sort of separate if that makes sense.. I might italicize it or parenthesize it or something, but that's just me
Anyhow... its a really powerful piece was a really wonderful message.. awesome job