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1/27/2008 c1 102Midnight In Eden
My first thought when I read your first line was how clumsy it was simply because of the two "and"s. Something like "Steam on the pane liquefies, sliding down through your heart." (not much of a change, just the deletion of the "and"s) flows so much better.

Also, I'm confused about the overall structure. It seems you're determined to keep long lines and damn any kind of flow or rhythm that this piece could have. Most of your lines could easily be cut in half or thirds. Not only that but you're very determined to place a lot of commas in this piece. Lines like "A self-fulfilling prophecy. It's your life story." and "You were not a temptation, likely a repulsion. And now you're forgotten." could easily be one sentence.

"Oh to flashback, if only you could reverse to the past." that phrase is bordering on tautology.

Overall the imagery isn't bad but the set up leaves a lot to be desired which makes me not as enthusiastic about this piece as I should be.

Good luck with an edit.

1/5/2008 c1 6Rimma
Cold and brutal and painfully real. Well done.

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