for Sweet saccharine8/29/2010 c1 
6Wonwordful
I guess this review is going to pop out of nowhere since I was just surfing around... but wow, this poem is good. I can really relate, especially the lines "I am empty without you, and even more with" I really liked the poem.
6WonwordfulI guess this review is going to pop out of nowhere since I was just surfing around... but wow, this poem is good. I can really relate, especially the lines "I am empty without you, and even more with" I really liked the poem.
1/19/2009 c1 blueskye13
that was cool...i like that word... saccharine and i totally love your metaphors, they were really awesome...
you're a really good writer...
that was cool...i like that word... saccharine and i totally love your metaphors, they were really awesome...
you're a really good writer...
11/10/2008 c1 16dreamer999
Oh wow...that's really angsty specially with the author's note.
A bit scary thought...ok call me a pervert but I never understood poems when they were like well "oh kill me" "oh burn me"
er...oh whatever, you get me it's like when people are like "oh take me" o.e
ok I'm done talking about that.
I like the beginning especially, repetition sometimes makes things sweet but it's because of the burn me thing made it longer and I do not need to say more O.e
so yeah and it's quite original since it does come from something real. And the dates...oh wow...that's a good memory.
"I bleed, cry, and scream:
Why can’t you see I am human too?"
Those were my fav. lines, I can't say why but the word that comes up in my mind is "originality" or something like that...if ya get what I mean.
16dreamer999Oh wow...that's really angsty specially with the author's note.
A bit scary thought...ok call me a pervert but I never understood poems when they were like well "oh kill me" "oh burn me"
er...oh whatever, you get me it's like when people are like "oh take me" o.e
ok I'm done talking about that.
I like the beginning especially, repetition sometimes makes things sweet but it's because of the burn me thing made it longer and I do not need to say more O.e
so yeah and it's quite original since it does come from something real. And the dates...oh wow...that's a good memory.
"I bleed, cry, and scream:
Why can’t you see I am human too?"
Those were my fav. lines, I can't say why but the word that comes up in my mind is "originality" or something like that...if ya get what I mean.
5/4/2008 c1 lkjhgfdswertyuikmnbvcxsrtyuknb
Very descriptive, and it showcases those feelings when it seems the person you want the most doesn't want you back... excellent. :D
Very descriptive, and it showcases those feelings when it seems the person you want the most doesn't want you back... excellent. :D
3/29/2008 c1 72angel953
I LOVE THIS! GREAT WORK! and about the a/n thats not pathetic that it took you so long to get over her...i've been hanging on to a love for 5 years now. i can't let go. oh well. so ya you are def not pathetic.
oh and btw dont review reply plz...if you need to respond to this or w/e comment in one of my forums or in the review game off topic. thx
~cake(hahahaha)
72angel953I LOVE THIS! GREAT WORK! and about the a/n thats not pathetic that it took you so long to get over her...i've been hanging on to a love for 5 years now. i can't let go. oh well. so ya you are def not pathetic.
oh and btw dont review reply plz...if you need to respond to this or w/e comment in one of my forums or in the review game off topic. thx
~cake(hahahaha)
2/29/2008 c1 6Poena Sensus
Dude, the poem is pretty good
the story behind it is sad
but i can relate, i think everyman can
good job
oh by the way i finally did something that i had been meaning to
i added you to my alert list!
Keep Writting
Manson out
6Poena SensusDude, the poem is pretty good
the story behind it is sad
but i can relate, i think everyman can
good job
oh by the way i finally did something that i had been meaning to
i added you to my alert list!
Keep Writting
Manson out
2/24/2008 c1 Sarah Allie
Heyy, I'll review this as I go along, so excuse any choppiness :P
-I think you meant "how" instead of "ho," on line nine.
-"I bleed, cry, and scream:
Why can’t you see I am human too?"
Oh my god... this is beautiful...
-"I am the moth, and you my flame." Can I quote this, and credit you? It's just... wow.
That's all... this whole poem was gorgeous... it kept my attention the whole way thjrough, and was something I could relate to. The way you repeated the words "Sweet saccharine" was very nice, and very emotive.. so props for that :)
All in all, an AMAZING poem :)
Sarah :) x
The Review Game
Heyy, I'll review this as I go along, so excuse any choppiness :P
-I think you meant "how" instead of "ho," on line nine.
-"I bleed, cry, and scream:
Why can’t you see I am human too?"
Oh my god... this is beautiful...
-"I am the moth, and you my flame." Can I quote this, and credit you? It's just... wow.
That's all... this whole poem was gorgeous... it kept my attention the whole way thjrough, and was something I could relate to. The way you repeated the words "Sweet saccharine" was very nice, and very emotive.. so props for that :)
All in all, an AMAZING poem :)
Sarah :) x
The Review Game
2/9/2008 c1 612simpleplan13
I really liked the piece for a couple of reasons... it was beautiful and powerful and kept your attention, but it is also something I can definitely relate to and Im sure a lot of other people can as well
The first two lines were single spaced and the rest double spaced.. Im guessing thats a fp format screwup, but I might fix it... I also might separate the piece into stanzas.. it's a long piece and that might break it up nicely...
The descriptions are beautiful.. the blue flames and you wanted to die in them are extremely powerful, but I kind of wish there was more variety... especially at the end you pretty much say you want to die in the fire etc. and then you say you want to truth and then you pretty much repeat the last part... I wish there was a new image of at least a new take on that image...
The word choice was really great and I really liked how you defined saccharine at the beginning.. that word is really great.. in some of the lines you had like old fashioned wording (like the second line) its definitely not my favorite thing, but you were consistent with it and it worked well with the formality of the piece
A spelling error... Ho much have I longed for you?.. How
Also Im not sure if you did this intentionally or not, but sugarey is really sugary
One part I didnt like was the two lines "Burn me alive, my sweet saccharine./Sweet saccharine, you sugarey little lie;" it seemed to repetitive especially since you repeat sweet saccharine in the next line.. maybe that's what you were going for, but in my opinion it was too much
Anyway a really excellent piece.. beautifully done... and Im glad youre over her! lol
612simpleplan13I really liked the piece for a couple of reasons... it was beautiful and powerful and kept your attention, but it is also something I can definitely relate to and Im sure a lot of other people can as well
The first two lines were single spaced and the rest double spaced.. Im guessing thats a fp format screwup, but I might fix it... I also might separate the piece into stanzas.. it's a long piece and that might break it up nicely...
The descriptions are beautiful.. the blue flames and you wanted to die in them are extremely powerful, but I kind of wish there was more variety... especially at the end you pretty much say you want to die in the fire etc. and then you say you want to truth and then you pretty much repeat the last part... I wish there was a new image of at least a new take on that image...
The word choice was really great and I really liked how you defined saccharine at the beginning.. that word is really great.. in some of the lines you had like old fashioned wording (like the second line) its definitely not my favorite thing, but you were consistent with it and it worked well with the formality of the piece
A spelling error... Ho much have I longed for you?.. How
Also Im not sure if you did this intentionally or not, but sugarey is really sugary
One part I didnt like was the two lines "Burn me alive, my sweet saccharine./Sweet saccharine, you sugarey little lie;" it seemed to repetitive especially since you repeat sweet saccharine in the next line.. maybe that's what you were going for, but in my opinion it was too much
Anyway a really excellent piece.. beautifully done... and Im glad youre over her! lol
1/28/2008 c1 88Militant Poet
Alright, so I took up your request on the depth page of poetry reviews.
You have something raw here to work with, which is excellent, and a pretty good grasp of how to use language. As a bit of a postmodernist in outlook, I would personally use fewer "emotion" words like "love", as well as fewer mildly overdone metaphors. It would be alright to use them, if you had a new twist, but in a poem with this type of subject material, it would be darn difficult to do so.
Some of your inverted sentence structures are jarring, especially "I need not protection". For some reason, that particular line does not flow well with the rest of your poem.
"Whilst" used two lines before "While" makes me wonder if there was a reason. Honestly, I do not see one, but I may be mistaken (or not clearly understanding your point). Try not to mix this more classical-sounding language with modern English unless it's for a well controlled effect.
Overall you have a pretty good thing started, and the idea of saccharine is a pretty good place to start. I would maybe shorten the poem to begin, and work out the blank "emotion" words that do not evoke an emotional reaction before going back and filling it back out. Your structure is very interesting, and if you'd like to keep it I would definitely understand. Keep up the good work.
88Militant PoetAlright, so I took up your request on the depth page of poetry reviews.
You have something raw here to work with, which is excellent, and a pretty good grasp of how to use language. As a bit of a postmodernist in outlook, I would personally use fewer "emotion" words like "love", as well as fewer mildly overdone metaphors. It would be alright to use them, if you had a new twist, but in a poem with this type of subject material, it would be darn difficult to do so.
Some of your inverted sentence structures are jarring, especially "I need not protection". For some reason, that particular line does not flow well with the rest of your poem.
"Whilst" used two lines before "While" makes me wonder if there was a reason. Honestly, I do not see one, but I may be mistaken (or not clearly understanding your point). Try not to mix this more classical-sounding language with modern English unless it's for a well controlled effect.
Overall you have a pretty good thing started, and the idea of saccharine is a pretty good place to start. I would maybe shorten the poem to begin, and work out the blank "emotion" words that do not evoke an emotional reaction before going back and filling it back out. Your structure is very interesting, and if you'd like to keep it I would definitely understand. Keep up the good work.
1/18/2008 c1 43lookin4nemo
This is so cool escecially how she asked you out an hour after you wrote it! but i no how terrible and long it takes to get over some one! good job and keep it up!
43lookin4nemoThis is so cool escecially how she asked you out an hour after you wrote it! but i no how terrible and long it takes to get over some one! good job and keep it up!