1/21/2008 c1 12l3g3nd
Well, I have something I'd like to point out here.

First, you repeat some of your words twice (at least) in a sentence.

[The wish in his eyes showed his happiness, but deep beneath showed his pain.]

There goes, 'showed'. It might be a way to make the sentence looks neater, but I don't think the next example will be the same...

[While he was helping, that other person was helping him trying to make life easy, for him only.]

Help, in this case.

Next. There are parts which sounds choppy, that means it will sounds better if the sentences are together.

[Slowly his full lips turned upward gently into a concerned smile. He dropped his eyes to stare out into the ocean waves.]

By adding "as", "while", or etc will makes it flow better, right?

[If he was trying so hard to keep that perfect out look, and trying to make everyone happy then he did not see that one person out there that was in the same position as himself. ]

This sentence sounds weird to me. Try reading it out aloud.

Well, generally it's quite well done. Your story did well in terms of physical description, but I find it slightly lack of emotions.

Anyway, happy writing!