Just In
for slipping by

2/12/2008 c1 102Midnight In Eden
I can see that you've attempted some enjambment through this piece and while it has worked in some places, in others it blatantly works against the flow of the piece. I'm thinking L1&2 in the first stanza and L1&2 of the second stanza in particular. In both those instances, simply pulling up the next word (i.e. "time is slipping by me/in the fastidious...") or pushing down one word (i.e. "I can feel it rush past/its stern fingers) would fix it easily.

Also, why capitalise "I" if you're not using any other capitals? This doesn't quite seem to be a poem that is all about the self so I don't see the emphasise so I'd recommend either consistent capitalisation or none at all.

One last thing: the second "and" on the last line of the third stanza is unnecessary. It feels like a filler syllable. Let your last stanza stand by itself.

Aside from those comments I liked this. It's simple but expressive and interesting in terms of your imagery.


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