for The Last Angel3/26/2009 c1 
6Sleeper Baby
Deliciously twisted.
Actually...this made me squirm.
One thing I can't stand is dying children.
But I adore the concept. Are they actually angels? Or something else?
Very interesting...
6Sleeper BabyDeliciously twisted.
Actually...this made me squirm.
One thing I can't stand is dying children.
But I adore the concept. Are they actually angels? Or something else?
Very interesting...
1/19/2009 c1 blueskye13
is this going to be about Gideon? please update soon, this is really good and i dont like forgetting about stories, i read this ages ago and i never reviewed and now i come across it again and i was so angry at myself for forgetting...
i really like your writing style..its just something i like, i dont know why...
-May
is this going to be about Gideon? please update soon, this is really good and i dont like forgetting about stories, i read this ages ago and i never reviewed and now i come across it again and i was so angry at myself for forgetting...
i really like your writing style..its just something i like, i dont know why...
-May
4/2/2008 c1 31ByYourSide
E!
(That was a happy, overwhelmed E!, in case you were wondering.)
.O.O.
-Dialog: It set the tone. It set the mood. It furthered the actions. And the little snippets of it added atmosphere.
-Characters: At first I was wondering why the man was killing the children. It got a bit easier to accept as he fought against the woman-easier to accept, not understand. Since he's the "Devil," will he come back to life? Ah, just wondering. So much could happen. And I really look forward to seeing what Gideon will do!
-Spelling:
"Yo will not have this one!"
Other than that I barely caught anything.
-Plot: The summary caught my attention. It made the story seem beautiful and sad and poetic. It made me say, 'Wow, I gotta read this.' So I did. And I loved it. And I want to see where you're going with this! *adds to alert list*
-Other: I hope you don't stop writing this story. I think I like it the best. ^^
31ByYourSideE!
(That was a happy, overwhelmed E!, in case you were wondering.)
.O.O.
-Dialog: It set the tone. It set the mood. It furthered the actions. And the little snippets of it added atmosphere.
-Characters: At first I was wondering why the man was killing the children. It got a bit easier to accept as he fought against the woman-easier to accept, not understand. Since he's the "Devil," will he come back to life? Ah, just wondering. So much could happen. And I really look forward to seeing what Gideon will do!
-Spelling:
"Yo will not have this one!"
Other than that I barely caught anything.
-Plot: The summary caught my attention. It made the story seem beautiful and sad and poetic. It made me say, 'Wow, I gotta read this.' So I did. And I loved it. And I want to see where you're going with this! *adds to alert list*
-Other: I hope you don't stop writing this story. I think I like it the best. ^^
3/31/2008 c1 2imcherish08
Wow...Okay, where to start
I liked the woman the most because I'd probably be fighting to save the children, too. I just wonder what was up with that guy, he was so mean! I like how you referred to him as "the devil", a man who kills babies can't be human. The language shocked me a bit, but that's what i get for being 14. Anyway keep going, I like your writing style!
2imcherish08Wow...Okay, where to start
I liked the woman the most because I'd probably be fighting to save the children, too. I just wonder what was up with that guy, he was so mean! I like how you referred to him as "the devil", a man who kills babies can't be human. The language shocked me a bit, but that's what i get for being 14. Anyway keep going, I like your writing style!
3/6/2008 c1 1Sentance Winder
Certainly one of the more unique stories I have read on this site. But make no mistake It was a great first chapter, even if it was a little weird. Weird is good! shows imagination!
One little thing i don't understand is why you have 'The Devil' in qoutation marks, its fine without it. Maybe leave it in on the first time you mention the Devil, to give it more effect, but don't use it out throughout the chapter. Same with Angels.
And a little problem wrong with the dialouge
"Yo will not have this one!"
If that was on purpose, it shouldnt be. Yo, doesnt fit into the characters or the overall theme in your story. Kinda reminds me of gangsta talk, which you don't want. Make it You. But the basic dialogue is fine all round just fix that up.
Overall the story has appealed to me for both its uniqueness(Especially when it comes to angels and Demons and how they are so cliche) and overall style of your writing.
1Sentance WinderCertainly one of the more unique stories I have read on this site. But make no mistake It was a great first chapter, even if it was a little weird. Weird is good! shows imagination!
One little thing i don't understand is why you have 'The Devil' in qoutation marks, its fine without it. Maybe leave it in on the first time you mention the Devil, to give it more effect, but don't use it out throughout the chapter. Same with Angels.
And a little problem wrong with the dialouge
"Yo will not have this one!"
If that was on purpose, it shouldnt be. Yo, doesnt fit into the characters or the overall theme in your story. Kinda reminds me of gangsta talk, which you don't want. Make it You. But the basic dialogue is fine all round just fix that up.
Overall the story has appealed to me for both its uniqueness(Especially when it comes to angels and Demons and how they are so cliche) and overall style of your writing.
2/26/2008 c1 1sleep is overrated
Wow, I think that’s one of the most interesting beginnings of a story I read yet.
You were very descriptive in your portrayal about what was going on that I could see from your words what was going on.
I am curious though, why are babies raining out of the sky?
And where is this event taking place at?
Nice little action there between the woman and man; I was hooked after Gideon got rescued. Although, I have a bit of an over imagination and was picturing a Leonidas baby spoof from Meet the Spartans to make Gideon so popular to the Devil. = )
Anyhow, the story flowed real well, and you did a good job painting in vivid detail the gory messes that were following the devil and woman running about. (All the splatting babies hitting around as they ran)
Now my gripes:
Who really is the special baby?
And is the man truly the devil or just an average run of the mill crazy loon?
And with the heavens smiting him down, I’m going to play devil’s advocate and ask why didn’t the “devil” do some cool power as well?
If he’s so evil and hardcore, why can’t he give a tiny infant boy a run for his money?
I am also a bit unsure who was cussing though. My gut tells me it was the demon but you could also say it was possibly the woman.
Overall, I found the story very interesting and a bit of an oddity with the event overshadowing the story. I’d say that was a desired effect though. I mean babies falling out of the sky are pretty strange, so I’d have it splattered all over the events taking place.
Well nice work with this story. I’ll have to try and trump that intro one day!
-Sio
1sleep is overratedWow, I think that’s one of the most interesting beginnings of a story I read yet.
You were very descriptive in your portrayal about what was going on that I could see from your words what was going on.
I am curious though, why are babies raining out of the sky?
And where is this event taking place at?
Nice little action there between the woman and man; I was hooked after Gideon got rescued. Although, I have a bit of an over imagination and was picturing a Leonidas baby spoof from Meet the Spartans to make Gideon so popular to the Devil. = )
Anyhow, the story flowed real well, and you did a good job painting in vivid detail the gory messes that were following the devil and woman running about. (All the splatting babies hitting around as they ran)
Now my gripes:
Who really is the special baby?
And is the man truly the devil or just an average run of the mill crazy loon?
And with the heavens smiting him down, I’m going to play devil’s advocate and ask why didn’t the “devil” do some cool power as well?
If he’s so evil and hardcore, why can’t he give a tiny infant boy a run for his money?
I am also a bit unsure who was cussing though. My gut tells me it was the demon but you could also say it was possibly the woman.
Overall, I found the story very interesting and a bit of an oddity with the event overshadowing the story. I’d say that was a desired effect though. I mean babies falling out of the sky are pretty strange, so I’d have it splattered all over the events taking place.
Well nice work with this story. I’ll have to try and trump that intro one day!
-Sio
2/24/2008 c1 Sarah Allie
The first line was damn AMAZING! It put a smile on my face :). I'll be writing this as I read, so it may sound a bit choppy. But first things first: the summary. "Heavans" should be "heavens." Also, you used past tense in the beginning, and then you changed to to present.
Now, on to the story :)!
-"Thousands of tiny bodies, raining down from above, leaving impact craters as well as crimson smears upon landing." This should be in past tense.
-"...the oncoming horde of fetuses." A fetus is usually connotated with an unborn child; the way you used it is right, and I like how you tried to vary the word choice, but for a lot of people, fetus means unborn baby. So, maybe if you used, "children," people wouldn't be thinking of babies still in their mothers' stomachs...
-"these 'Angels' as she referred to them" should be, "these 'Angels,' as she referred to them"
-"Her head rammed into his abdomen, a knee into her gut. Her mouth latched around his arm, his fist bruised her fine, mahogany cheek." I love this line. It's pure genius!
Oh god :D I love this :D But it was a bit paragraphy, if you know what I mean. I skimmed towards the end, though, but your writing skills and all around awesomeness made up for it :D
Sarah :) x
The Review Game
The first line was damn AMAZING! It put a smile on my face :). I'll be writing this as I read, so it may sound a bit choppy. But first things first: the summary. "Heavans" should be "heavens." Also, you used past tense in the beginning, and then you changed to to present.
Now, on to the story :)!
-"Thousands of tiny bodies, raining down from above, leaving impact craters as well as crimson smears upon landing." This should be in past tense.
-"...the oncoming horde of fetuses." A fetus is usually connotated with an unborn child; the way you used it is right, and I like how you tried to vary the word choice, but for a lot of people, fetus means unborn baby. So, maybe if you used, "children," people wouldn't be thinking of babies still in their mothers' stomachs...
-"these 'Angels' as she referred to them" should be, "these 'Angels,' as she referred to them"
-"Her head rammed into his abdomen, a knee into her gut. Her mouth latched around his arm, his fist bruised her fine, mahogany cheek." I love this line. It's pure genius!
Oh god :D I love this :D But it was a bit paragraphy, if you know what I mean. I skimmed towards the end, though, but your writing skills and all around awesomeness made up for it :D
Sarah :) x
The Review Game
2/15/2008 c1 9Shang
Well, it was... odd. Certainly a beginning I've never read before.
The 'Baby Shower' idea is original and I do wonder how it'll fit into the story (meaning what was the point of it, who or maybe rather what these babies were).
While I like the mystery around it all (coz I prefer to leave some things to be explained later), it kinda felt that too much was done by chance. The Devil and Messiah is an interesting analogy, but it's a waste you did not explained why the babies are different. When one states someone is different, he/she can easily point out what's out of place in the 'freak', yet you made no such thing. Then why were these babies different?
Overall I'd say that the beginning is intriguing and I do wonder where this will go. Good luck with future chapters.
9ShangWell, it was... odd. Certainly a beginning I've never read before.
The 'Baby Shower' idea is original and I do wonder how it'll fit into the story (meaning what was the point of it, who or maybe rather what these babies were).
While I like the mystery around it all (coz I prefer to leave some things to be explained later), it kinda felt that too much was done by chance. The Devil and Messiah is an interesting analogy, but it's a waste you did not explained why the babies are different. When one states someone is different, he/she can easily point out what's out of place in the 'freak', yet you made no such thing. Then why were these babies different?
Overall I'd say that the beginning is intriguing and I do wonder where this will go. Good luck with future chapters.
2/13/2008 c1 12Esther Jade
Review game!
I like how both the main characters in this chapter seem to both be gripped by madness. For me, it left a lot of ambiguity as to whether the children, and Gideon, in particular, are 'angels' or something a lot worse.
Characterising your main characters as "messiah" and "devil" worked, up to a point. Sometimes it seems a little as if the point is being pushed too firmly, particularly in the sentence "All around, 'Angels' descended, narrowly missing 'The Devil' and 'The Messiah.'" - It feels a bit overt here.
The dialogue generally worked well but I thought "what the fuck!" wasn't a great opening for it. The phrasing feels very contemporary while the rest of the setting feels older. As soon as I read it, I pictured something modern and then had to review my impression.
Sometimes the writing seems a bit flowery. Every now and then you slip into the passive voice and I think it disrupts the flow of the story.
I suppose it's a stylistic choice but I found the transition into the household a bit difficult to follow. It seemed quite abrupt and the dialogue didn't really give me an indication of what was happening.
I liked the plotline. There was a very sinister feel to the chapter and it was certainly very intriguing. One would definitely want to read further to find out the significance of the children and particularly Gideon.
Minor issues:
"Yo will not have this one!" - There's a "u" missing unless you're indicating her accent.
These children held a certain - I don't know if "had" wouldn't be better than "held" here.
a cluster of these 'Angels' - how many is a "cluster"? Because I'm having serious trouble picturing this.
a hard slap lay across it - Something about this description feels wrong. I know what you're trying to say but it comes across a bit awkwardly.
An ebony overcast began to take hold of the sky. - I find this description quite vague. What are you trying to say?
The village was in chaos from the 'Great Birth,' nobody knew what to make of this. - That comma should be a full stop.
as well as dead fetuses - I would suggest making this "as well as the blood of dead fetuses". But it's just a suggestion.
The baby was now fully alert, because she fell, despite twisting at the last moment to protect the child from being crushed, his slumber was interrupted. - How can the baby be alert and slumber on uninterrupted?
12Esther JadeReview game!
I like how both the main characters in this chapter seem to both be gripped by madness. For me, it left a lot of ambiguity as to whether the children, and Gideon, in particular, are 'angels' or something a lot worse.
Characterising your main characters as "messiah" and "devil" worked, up to a point. Sometimes it seems a little as if the point is being pushed too firmly, particularly in the sentence "All around, 'Angels' descended, narrowly missing 'The Devil' and 'The Messiah.'" - It feels a bit overt here.
The dialogue generally worked well but I thought "what the fuck!" wasn't a great opening for it. The phrasing feels very contemporary while the rest of the setting feels older. As soon as I read it, I pictured something modern and then had to review my impression.
Sometimes the writing seems a bit flowery. Every now and then you slip into the passive voice and I think it disrupts the flow of the story.
I suppose it's a stylistic choice but I found the transition into the household a bit difficult to follow. It seemed quite abrupt and the dialogue didn't really give me an indication of what was happening.
I liked the plotline. There was a very sinister feel to the chapter and it was certainly very intriguing. One would definitely want to read further to find out the significance of the children and particularly Gideon.
Minor issues:
"Yo will not have this one!" - There's a "u" missing unless you're indicating her accent.
These children held a certain - I don't know if "had" wouldn't be better than "held" here.
a cluster of these 'Angels' - how many is a "cluster"? Because I'm having serious trouble picturing this.
a hard slap lay across it - Something about this description feels wrong. I know what you're trying to say but it comes across a bit awkwardly.
An ebony overcast began to take hold of the sky. - I find this description quite vague. What are you trying to say?
The village was in chaos from the 'Great Birth,' nobody knew what to make of this. - That comma should be a full stop.
as well as dead fetuses - I would suggest making this "as well as the blood of dead fetuses". But it's just a suggestion.
The baby was now fully alert, because she fell, despite twisting at the last moment to protect the child from being crushed, his slumber was interrupted. - How can the baby be alert and slumber on uninterrupted?
2/13/2008 c1 Equilibrium
A very good beginning! I like where the plot is going, and though I haven't seen much of the characters, you portray them very well. Your descriptions are good, and the story flows well. I couldn't find any spelling/punctuation mistakes, too. In particular, I like how realistic the 'baby shower' is, with the babies 'leaving impact craters as well as crimson smears upon landing'. Gory, but it's nice imagery you painted there. One thing I didn't like, though, was how many times you used the word 'crush'/'crushed' to describe the madman's killing of the children. Be a little more creative and descriptive. Other than that, it's fantastic. I'll be back for more!
A very good beginning! I like where the plot is going, and though I haven't seen much of the characters, you portray them very well. Your descriptions are good, and the story flows well. I couldn't find any spelling/punctuation mistakes, too. In particular, I like how realistic the 'baby shower' is, with the babies 'leaving impact craters as well as crimson smears upon landing'. Gory, but it's nice imagery you painted there. One thing I didn't like, though, was how many times you used the word 'crush'/'crushed' to describe the madman's killing of the children. Be a little more creative and descriptive. Other than that, it's fantastic. I'll be back for more!
2/8/2008 c1 3KnittingKneedle
Urrm…alright, very odd chapter!
First off the bat, you spelt heavens wrong in your summary, kind of a turn off.
Well, congratulations, a very original way of starting a story- I’ll give you that for sure.
I wish you’d have clarified how the babies where different in more detail- that way the ‘special’ one would feel more special.
I liked your devil and messiah…thing, very biblical, very surreal, very original. Though I don’t understand how either of them got the idea into their heads that the baby should die/live. The fight/chase scene was well written, I thought, though a change in the sentence structure here and there would have helped the pacing of it.
As far as characters go, the Devil and Messiah were pretty cool. I have a feeling Gideon is going to become a main character, I hope you do that well, I kind of dislike ‘chosen ones’ and stuff like that,
Did I mention how weird this was. Man! The imagery of babies falling from the sky and two people fighting over one…and the story is going to get darker? Love to see where you take this!
3KnittingKneedleUrrm…alright, very odd chapter!
First off the bat, you spelt heavens wrong in your summary, kind of a turn off.
Well, congratulations, a very original way of starting a story- I’ll give you that for sure.
I wish you’d have clarified how the babies where different in more detail- that way the ‘special’ one would feel more special.
I liked your devil and messiah…thing, very biblical, very surreal, very original. Though I don’t understand how either of them got the idea into their heads that the baby should die/live. The fight/chase scene was well written, I thought, though a change in the sentence structure here and there would have helped the pacing of it.
As far as characters go, the Devil and Messiah were pretty cool. I have a feeling Gideon is going to become a main character, I hope you do that well, I kind of dislike ‘chosen ones’ and stuff like that,
Did I mention how weird this was. Man! The imagery of babies falling from the sky and two people fighting over one…and the story is going to get darker? Love to see where you take this!
2/7/2008 c1 1LucienofShadow
Spelling Error: "Yo will not have this one!"
Otherwise... weird. So incredibly weird. I'm going to focus on the writing and not the plot on account of the fact I don't know what to say.
Try to avoid the use of 'somehow' as a reason. 'she somehow maintained her ability to evade capture.' It's a cheap out for the author, unless you plan on explaining it later. And in this case its trivial enough that I doubt it.
I look forward to seeing where this is going.
1LucienofShadowSpelling Error: "Yo will not have this one!"
Otherwise... weird. So incredibly weird. I'm going to focus on the writing and not the plot on account of the fact I don't know what to say.
Try to avoid the use of 'somehow' as a reason. 'she somehow maintained her ability to evade capture.' It's a cheap out for the author, unless you plan on explaining it later. And in this case its trivial enough that I doubt it.
I look forward to seeing where this is going.