for The Northern Wall11/26/2008 c1 
1artificial destiny
hey i love the intro to this. love the tension and feelings in between the lines.
the description of the king is a little bit abrupt. And there are lots of fragments. ex:"His grey eyes, deep and filled with a wisdom that few men can achieve in a lifetime."
great line
"giving their unready lives to protect him."
great great intro/prologue! keep it up.
1artificial destinyhey i love the intro to this. love the tension and feelings in between the lines.
the description of the king is a little bit abrupt. And there are lots of fragments. ex:"His grey eyes, deep and filled with a wisdom that few men can achieve in a lifetime."
great line
"giving their unready lives to protect him."
great great intro/prologue! keep it up.
11/26/2008 c1 4Decoris Verbum
Overall, this is good. The sentence structure especially dictates fresh imagery. I liked your short declarative sentence at the end of the first paragraph, "He is King." However, towards the middle-end of the second paragraph, I think the last clause of the sentence "Blood is spilt, flesh is torn, limbs pierced, men fall, their lives no more" seems very obscure and grammatically incorrect. I would have liked to see a longer first chapter, but if it needs to be short to be well-written, it's worth it.
Woah, long review. But nice job!
-DV-
4Decoris VerbumOverall, this is good. The sentence structure especially dictates fresh imagery. I liked your short declarative sentence at the end of the first paragraph, "He is King." However, towards the middle-end of the second paragraph, I think the last clause of the sentence "Blood is spilt, flesh is torn, limbs pierced, men fall, their lives no more" seems very obscure and grammatically incorrect. I would have liked to see a longer first chapter, but if it needs to be short to be well-written, it's worth it.
Woah, long review. But nice job!
-DV-
11/25/2008 c1 Carus
I like the way you've used present tense in this - it really works. It almost made me think I was one of those men (and I'm a gurlie...lol). I also like the way you've used a mixture of short and long sentences. You build up the tension with the short ones ('There is no escape. The men know this.') and then break it up a little before it gets boring with the longer ones ('Battered and bruised they wait, knowing that death is near.').
Ooh this sentence: 'Blood is spilt, flesh is torn, limbs pierced, men fall, their lives no more'... I could almost FEEL it happening. Amazing imagery there.
And I like the way you referred to the blade as 'her' - it shows how the king has used her so often he has personified her.
Love this. Really really love it. I want to read more... =]
I like the way you've used present tense in this - it really works. It almost made me think I was one of those men (and I'm a gurlie...lol). I also like the way you've used a mixture of short and long sentences. You build up the tension with the short ones ('There is no escape. The men know this.') and then break it up a little before it gets boring with the longer ones ('Battered and bruised they wait, knowing that death is near.').
Ooh this sentence: 'Blood is spilt, flesh is torn, limbs pierced, men fall, their lives no more'... I could almost FEEL it happening. Amazing imagery there.
And I like the way you referred to the blade as 'her' - it shows how the king has used her so often he has personified her.
Love this. Really really love it. I want to read more... =]
1/25/2008 c1 14Unbeknownst
Interesting. Nice use of present tense for the prologue, though I hope you're not planning to do the rest of it that way-it can get grating to read, and to write in.
Not perfect, to be sure-there's a few places where it doesn't flow well or whatnot that detract from the story; I'll point them out now.
1). "The men know this, the fear in their eyes shows that they aren’t ready for death. Battered and bruised they wait, knowing that death is near." Ouch, comma splice. Either put an "and" before "the fear in their eyes" or (what I would do)-make it into its own sentence. "The men know this. The fear in their eyes"-it stands just fine on its own. :)
2). "The blade of Carvington slices the air, held by her King, sending men unwillingly falling before the glory of Carvington." Really clunky, and repetitive. "Unwillingly falling before the glory of Carvington" doesn't sound quite right, and it's redundant-you've already established that it's the King that's doing this, in Carvington's name. It could definitely serve to be reworded.
3). Describing what is happening to the king as "he feels" is actually somewhat grating; I would probably add an "it," since it *is* a feeling you're attempting to describe. "He feels it" is less grating to read than "he feels" over and over again.
4). "Forcing himself to his feet, he catches up his blade. And again, he feels. A blade pierces the crack in his breastplate and tears deep into his chest. He feels it coming up his throat and he drops his sword and shield, grabbing hold of the blade in his chest. His eyes meet those of the one who is granting him death. He is King Vincent the Third. And he finally feels fear. And then, nothing."
Ergh at the description here. Very descriptive, to be sure, but really not all that realistic-consider the angle that it was thrust in at, and where it would have to go in order to come up through his throat as perfectly as described. It's more likely that even through the breastplate they'd end up tearing through his abdomen, rupturing his stomach and killing him that way. Again, it could probably use some rewording there, though that might be more personal opinion than anything else. The use of the word "chest" is repetitive here as well; you don't need to tear open a thesaurus, but it's worth considering rewording it.
Finally, the idea of someone "granting" him death is a little too peaceful for the idea you're trying to get across; maybe "the one who has just slain him" or something? It's melodramatic, to be sure, but it gets the point across in a better fashion.
Overall, not bad. You seem to have a pretty good grip on writing, and your descriptions (with the exception of the above) were sharp. I disagree with the other reviewer regarding the way that you have this structured; the way I read it, you did manage to focus mainly on the king throughout-first in broad, then in narrow focus, which was nice to see.
I look forward to seeing where you go with this.
14UnbeknownstInteresting. Nice use of present tense for the prologue, though I hope you're not planning to do the rest of it that way-it can get grating to read, and to write in.
Not perfect, to be sure-there's a few places where it doesn't flow well or whatnot that detract from the story; I'll point them out now.
1). "The men know this, the fear in their eyes shows that they aren’t ready for death. Battered and bruised they wait, knowing that death is near." Ouch, comma splice. Either put an "and" before "the fear in their eyes" or (what I would do)-make it into its own sentence. "The men know this. The fear in their eyes"-it stands just fine on its own. :)
2). "The blade of Carvington slices the air, held by her King, sending men unwillingly falling before the glory of Carvington." Really clunky, and repetitive. "Unwillingly falling before the glory of Carvington" doesn't sound quite right, and it's redundant-you've already established that it's the King that's doing this, in Carvington's name. It could definitely serve to be reworded.
3). Describing what is happening to the king as "he feels" is actually somewhat grating; I would probably add an "it," since it *is* a feeling you're attempting to describe. "He feels it" is less grating to read than "he feels" over and over again.
4). "Forcing himself to his feet, he catches up his blade. And again, he feels. A blade pierces the crack in his breastplate and tears deep into his chest. He feels it coming up his throat and he drops his sword and shield, grabbing hold of the blade in his chest. His eyes meet those of the one who is granting him death. He is King Vincent the Third. And he finally feels fear. And then, nothing."
Ergh at the description here. Very descriptive, to be sure, but really not all that realistic-consider the angle that it was thrust in at, and where it would have to go in order to come up through his throat as perfectly as described. It's more likely that even through the breastplate they'd end up tearing through his abdomen, rupturing his stomach and killing him that way. Again, it could probably use some rewording there, though that might be more personal opinion than anything else. The use of the word "chest" is repetitive here as well; you don't need to tear open a thesaurus, but it's worth considering rewording it.
Finally, the idea of someone "granting" him death is a little too peaceful for the idea you're trying to get across; maybe "the one who has just slain him" or something? It's melodramatic, to be sure, but it gets the point across in a better fashion.
Overall, not bad. You seem to have a pretty good grip on writing, and your descriptions (with the exception of the above) were sharp. I disagree with the other reviewer regarding the way that you have this structured; the way I read it, you did manage to focus mainly on the king throughout-first in broad, then in narrow focus, which was nice to see.
I look forward to seeing where you go with this.
1/25/2008 c1 1Narc
I have a hard time enjoying stories written in present tense. While this is a personal preference thing, there is some validity behind it. When people listen to the story, they hear it in the past tense. It's what they're accustomed to. When a story is written in the present tense it's a little less natural for the reader, which brings down readability. I don't think I've ever seen a novel published in present tense (although in short stories it's a little more common).
The style of the writing in this first chapter is rather choppy. Sometimes, it's good to write like this, but not when you're talking about multiple people. I think it works when you have a single point of view character who is witnessing something that frightens or confuses him. This is a group you're talking about, however, so the style doesn't work for me.
It almost feels like you're trying too hard to be poetic in this first paragraph.
The line 'held by her King' sounds at first like it's telling us that 'Carvington' is a female person who owns the sword. Rereading it, I understand that you're referring to the sword itself, but it doesn't read that way immediately. Again, just a little too much effort put into being poetic.
I thought the description of the king's death was fairly well written, but it would have been much better in past tense.
Some people might like your style. It certainly is difference. It's not something I'm accustomed to and I don't think I'd enjoy reading a whole story written like this.
There's not a whole lot else I can add about this chapter, since it's a very short prologue. There's no new information, since this was all expressed in the summary. I'm not a huge fan of prologues like this, because they give no hint at all of the plot to come. When I start reading a story, I like to get an idea of the main character right away and of the plot in the first chapter.
1NarcI have a hard time enjoying stories written in present tense. While this is a personal preference thing, there is some validity behind it. When people listen to the story, they hear it in the past tense. It's what they're accustomed to. When a story is written in the present tense it's a little less natural for the reader, which brings down readability. I don't think I've ever seen a novel published in present tense (although in short stories it's a little more common).
The style of the writing in this first chapter is rather choppy. Sometimes, it's good to write like this, but not when you're talking about multiple people. I think it works when you have a single point of view character who is witnessing something that frightens or confuses him. This is a group you're talking about, however, so the style doesn't work for me.
It almost feels like you're trying too hard to be poetic in this first paragraph.
The line 'held by her King' sounds at first like it's telling us that 'Carvington' is a female person who owns the sword. Rereading it, I understand that you're referring to the sword itself, but it doesn't read that way immediately. Again, just a little too much effort put into being poetic.
I thought the description of the king's death was fairly well written, but it would have been much better in past tense.
Some people might like your style. It certainly is difference. It's not something I'm accustomed to and I don't think I'd enjoy reading a whole story written like this.
There's not a whole lot else I can add about this chapter, since it's a very short prologue. There's no new information, since this was all expressed in the summary. I'm not a huge fan of prologues like this, because they give no hint at all of the plot to come. When I start reading a story, I like to get an idea of the main character right away and of the plot in the first chapter.