for Hallucination2/4/2008 c1 
102Aomera
this is really good. the opening section is definately better than the second bit, you describe things well and it's not at all rushed. personally, i think you should avoid stating the obvious so much - for instance with the labour bit, its unnecessary to tell us she's in labour. the first use of the word 'labour' in that sentence when alone would be a clever pun. yet with the stating of 'she was, in fact, in labour' the subtly is taken away. i also think - for similar reasons that the second paragraph of the second halfwould benefit from being a little longer. sometimes the lack of description and explanation works perfectly, for example in the sentence 'She died immediately afterwards, from complications.' becuase it just works but other times i'm not so sure.
anyway i love the whole idea - and in general i love the way you write, i should thought i should highlight those things! :D
i will read more - will try very hard to remember. right now i should do my homework... *sigh* !
Ax
102Aomerathis is really good. the opening section is definately better than the second bit, you describe things well and it's not at all rushed. personally, i think you should avoid stating the obvious so much - for instance with the labour bit, its unnecessary to tell us she's in labour. the first use of the word 'labour' in that sentence when alone would be a clever pun. yet with the stating of 'she was, in fact, in labour' the subtly is taken away. i also think - for similar reasons that the second paragraph of the second halfwould benefit from being a little longer. sometimes the lack of description and explanation works perfectly, for example in the sentence 'She died immediately afterwards, from complications.' becuase it just works but other times i'm not so sure.
anyway i love the whole idea - and in general i love the way you write, i should thought i should highlight those things! :D
i will read more - will try very hard to remember. right now i should do my homework... *sigh* !
Ax