for Blade of Baikon1/17/2013 c6 Guest
i like it... i read them all in one night... but i think you should make the characters more lifelike and dont make the plot too much if you make it too crazy it gets confusing and people will be too busy trying to figure out what going to happen not what is going on in the story... overall though good idea and keep going
i like it... i read them all in one night... but i think you should make the characters more lifelike and dont make the plot too much if you make it too crazy it gets confusing and people will be too busy trying to figure out what going to happen not what is going on in the story... overall though good idea and keep going
1/25/2009 c6 Chocip
Wow. That's all I can say, I totally love this fic! You have to update soon!
Wow. That's all I can say, I totally love this fic! You have to update soon!
6/8/2008 c6 christian
In general, this story so far has been...all right. Not great, but readable, and better than much of the junk that pervades this site. Your action scenes aren't wonderful or thrilling, but they contain a decent level of detail, and though your plot seems awkward at times it progresses in a fairly linear way. The two main things that keep this story from going from just 'readable' to 'good' are your characters and your grammar.
No matter how hard I try, I just cannot get interested in your characters. From their introduction, they seemed so flat and lifeless that it was difficult not to just cram them togethers with the dozens of other cardboard-cutout stereotypes that fill the fantasy genre. Kius is the classic 'tough guy' mixed with 'part human assassin'. Sal is the 'street kid with special talents' with a dash of 'new kid apprenticing at a training school/academy'. Your secondary characters seem flat and lifeless- try to spice them up and make them real people- with thoughts, hopes, and a history just as important as the main characters'. You don't have to TELL this explicity in your writing, but at least sometimes it should shine through, even if it's only in small ways.
Your other main problem is your grammar. Overall, you're fairly good with spelling- a few minor mistakes here and there, but at least you use spellcheck, which few people seem to do. However, you regularly write sentences that are awkward, have little to no flow, or make no sense whatsoever. This jars the reader out of the story and makes it much less enjoyable to read. Having someone read your chapters over carefully before you post them and pointing out what is badly phrased or confusing would help you a great deal. Several of the reviewers before me have cited excellent examples of the kind of phrases that could use re-worked, and in far better detail that I could- listen to what they say. They know what they're talking about.
You have great potential here. At fourteen, you are able to put together a decent plot and write it out reasonably coherantly. If you keep at it and learn as much as you can, in a few years I think you will be a much better writer, one with the ability to create stories that people will both appreciate and enjoy. Try to create stories and characters that are more than just a conglomeration of what has already been done to death, and learn all you can about your craft. Your work is promising.
In general, this story so far has been...all right. Not great, but readable, and better than much of the junk that pervades this site. Your action scenes aren't wonderful or thrilling, but they contain a decent level of detail, and though your plot seems awkward at times it progresses in a fairly linear way. The two main things that keep this story from going from just 'readable' to 'good' are your characters and your grammar.
No matter how hard I try, I just cannot get interested in your characters. From their introduction, they seemed so flat and lifeless that it was difficult not to just cram them togethers with the dozens of other cardboard-cutout stereotypes that fill the fantasy genre. Kius is the classic 'tough guy' mixed with 'part human assassin'. Sal is the 'street kid with special talents' with a dash of 'new kid apprenticing at a training school/academy'. Your secondary characters seem flat and lifeless- try to spice them up and make them real people- with thoughts, hopes, and a history just as important as the main characters'. You don't have to TELL this explicity in your writing, but at least sometimes it should shine through, even if it's only in small ways.
Your other main problem is your grammar. Overall, you're fairly good with spelling- a few minor mistakes here and there, but at least you use spellcheck, which few people seem to do. However, you regularly write sentences that are awkward, have little to no flow, or make no sense whatsoever. This jars the reader out of the story and makes it much less enjoyable to read. Having someone read your chapters over carefully before you post them and pointing out what is badly phrased or confusing would help you a great deal. Several of the reviewers before me have cited excellent examples of the kind of phrases that could use re-worked, and in far better detail that I could- listen to what they say. They know what they're talking about.
You have great potential here. At fourteen, you are able to put together a decent plot and write it out reasonably coherantly. If you keep at it and learn as much as you can, in a few years I think you will be a much better writer, one with the ability to create stories that people will both appreciate and enjoy. Try to create stories and characters that are more than just a conglomeration of what has already been done to death, and learn all you can about your craft. Your work is promising.
4/14/2008 c3 
7Translucently Opaque
Heh, first of all, sorry it’s taken so long for me to come back and review. Life’s been…well, you know life.
So, I read Allirose’s review. I find it amusing that, for most of the things they pointed out, I had either 1) already pointed it out to you or 2) told you I liked it. While I agree with most of the points made, I think that Allirose might have gone a bit overboard. While it’s true that you want to the hook the reader in quickly, you also don’t want to confuse them. Personally, I think this is good for a first draft (I guess I’m just assuming it is). I would definitely recommend that, once it’s finished, you go back, edit, apply the recommendations you’ve gotten in reviews, and so on. For now though, I think you’re good. Just make sure you let people know that this is a first draft. Maybe put it in the summary or something.
So, anyway, a good chapter, but I think you might be going a bit slowly here. Try going over it with Allirose’s suggestion of asking yourself those three questions. It’s difficult to decide what to keep and what to edit out, but I’m sure you’ll manage.
“A steady hand reached up to cover a heavy yawn…” - you’ve just mentioned that he’s nervous, so saying his hand was ‘steady’ seems slightly paradoxical. Also, usually when people are anxious, they’re not going to yawn like they’re really tired when they feel on edge.
“The boy talked with a rather butchy accent, obviously missed by Kius last night.” - this would flow more smoothly as “, something Kius had missed last night.” Usually, you don’t want to say words like ‘obviously’ in your narrative. After all, if it’s obvious, why say it?
“Slowly, the duo trudged up the stairs, soft leather slapping against the marble.” - okay, this makes no sense. They’re both assassins/thieves/stealthy-like characters. Why would they be making -any- noise whatsoever? Nevermind that they’re in friendly territory. Silence should be ingrained into their systems.
“Robed assassin-in-training walked about the building…” - “robed assassins-in-training…”
“A high ceiling with a crystal chandelier hung above them…” - overly passive.
“…various paintings of important men in His Blade robes hung about the walls.” - hung about the walls? Or on the walls? Also, if you’re going to talk about these robes so much, why not tell us what they look like? Just a simple description will do, nothing huge.
“Kius lead his wide-mouthed apprentice to a desk.” - you can be wide-eyed and wide-mouthed, but wide-mouthed means a wide mouth, not a mouth that’s wide open.
“Room 227, along with a ‘ew other ones with high-ranking masters.” - I’m not sure, but I don’t think that ‘few’ would be accented as ‘ew’. It looks and sounds awkward.
“…while staring after a particularly gaunt-looking assassin…” - if this guy isn’t mentioned later, then he shouldn’t be mentioned now, because it’s unnecessary. If he is, then disregard this.
“continued Kius, with the air of ignoring any interruptions.” - the second part is unneeded. It’s quite obvious to us that he’s not going to tolerate interruptions simply because he’s talking over them.
“a dinner is provided and you will sleep till the midnight…” - the middle of the night, or midnight. One or the other.
“This is Dorvascan, but that’s too long to just call him Dorv,…” - “too long, so just call him Dorv.”
“Yeah, almost every Blade knows at least a bit, and if you want to you can take more than just the opening course and go real in-depth, magical weapons and all. Personally, I’d rather stick to cold steel and sharp arrows, but everyone has their own tastes, no?”- For this whole thing I thought Marvil was speaking, because he was the last person mentioned. You might want to fix that. You’ve got to be really careful writing a room full of people. Make sure it’s not confusing for your readers.
“The man, or the Blade person… he told me that I’d make a good mage.” - it is unclear who is speaking. I assume, from later narrative, that it’s Dorv, but you should probably make this clear earlier.
“A bit arrogant, that was,” said Marvil.” - I like this sentence. Marvil actually seems like a pretty cool character. Kind of easy going, very open, and slightly naïve. Hopefully he stays cool despite the face that he’s learned that Sal’s an Aloof. Though, I’m still not quite sure why that’d be a bad thing.
While on that point, considering it seems that both Sal and Kius are part of this race, (or at least similar?) you should probably consider putting in more about them earlier. I may have said this in my earlier reviews, I can’t quite remember…
“Judging by the light-gray lightning on your flesh…” - using the word light twice makes this sound redundant.
“Though his apprentice knew not, Kius lived only a few blocks from the complex, for during the day he instructed an advanced magic class.” - “Though his apprentice knew it not,…” also, this sentence seems rather formal and out of place. Perhaps you can find a different, more appropriate place to put it.
“Hi there, hows your day been?” - ‘how has’ contracted is ‘how’s.’
So yeah, main crit for this chapter is that the story’s moving a bit slowly. You’re going to want to either reveal, or once again at least touch upon the plot pretty soon. Oh, also, there seems to be some unnecessary point of view shifts. Generally speaking, you should stick to one pov per chapter/section.
I’ll be back to keep reading as life allows me to.
7Translucently OpaqueHeh, first of all, sorry it’s taken so long for me to come back and review. Life’s been…well, you know life.
So, I read Allirose’s review. I find it amusing that, for most of the things they pointed out, I had either 1) already pointed it out to you or 2) told you I liked it. While I agree with most of the points made, I think that Allirose might have gone a bit overboard. While it’s true that you want to the hook the reader in quickly, you also don’t want to confuse them. Personally, I think this is good for a first draft (I guess I’m just assuming it is). I would definitely recommend that, once it’s finished, you go back, edit, apply the recommendations you’ve gotten in reviews, and so on. For now though, I think you’re good. Just make sure you let people know that this is a first draft. Maybe put it in the summary or something.
So, anyway, a good chapter, but I think you might be going a bit slowly here. Try going over it with Allirose’s suggestion of asking yourself those three questions. It’s difficult to decide what to keep and what to edit out, but I’m sure you’ll manage.
“A steady hand reached up to cover a heavy yawn…” - you’ve just mentioned that he’s nervous, so saying his hand was ‘steady’ seems slightly paradoxical. Also, usually when people are anxious, they’re not going to yawn like they’re really tired when they feel on edge.
“The boy talked with a rather butchy accent, obviously missed by Kius last night.” - this would flow more smoothly as “, something Kius had missed last night.” Usually, you don’t want to say words like ‘obviously’ in your narrative. After all, if it’s obvious, why say it?
“Slowly, the duo trudged up the stairs, soft leather slapping against the marble.” - okay, this makes no sense. They’re both assassins/thieves/stealthy-like characters. Why would they be making -any- noise whatsoever? Nevermind that they’re in friendly territory. Silence should be ingrained into their systems.
“Robed assassin-in-training walked about the building…” - “robed assassins-in-training…”
“A high ceiling with a crystal chandelier hung above them…” - overly passive.
“…various paintings of important men in His Blade robes hung about the walls.” - hung about the walls? Or on the walls? Also, if you’re going to talk about these robes so much, why not tell us what they look like? Just a simple description will do, nothing huge.
“Kius lead his wide-mouthed apprentice to a desk.” - you can be wide-eyed and wide-mouthed, but wide-mouthed means a wide mouth, not a mouth that’s wide open.
“Room 227, along with a ‘ew other ones with high-ranking masters.” - I’m not sure, but I don’t think that ‘few’ would be accented as ‘ew’. It looks and sounds awkward.
“…while staring after a particularly gaunt-looking assassin…” - if this guy isn’t mentioned later, then he shouldn’t be mentioned now, because it’s unnecessary. If he is, then disregard this.
“continued Kius, with the air of ignoring any interruptions.” - the second part is unneeded. It’s quite obvious to us that he’s not going to tolerate interruptions simply because he’s talking over them.
“a dinner is provided and you will sleep till the midnight…” - the middle of the night, or midnight. One or the other.
“This is Dorvascan, but that’s too long to just call him Dorv,…” - “too long, so just call him Dorv.”
“Yeah, almost every Blade knows at least a bit, and if you want to you can take more than just the opening course and go real in-depth, magical weapons and all. Personally, I’d rather stick to cold steel and sharp arrows, but everyone has their own tastes, no?”- For this whole thing I thought Marvil was speaking, because he was the last person mentioned. You might want to fix that. You’ve got to be really careful writing a room full of people. Make sure it’s not confusing for your readers.
“The man, or the Blade person… he told me that I’d make a good mage.” - it is unclear who is speaking. I assume, from later narrative, that it’s Dorv, but you should probably make this clear earlier.
“A bit arrogant, that was,” said Marvil.” - I like this sentence. Marvil actually seems like a pretty cool character. Kind of easy going, very open, and slightly naïve. Hopefully he stays cool despite the face that he’s learned that Sal’s an Aloof. Though, I’m still not quite sure why that’d be a bad thing.
While on that point, considering it seems that both Sal and Kius are part of this race, (or at least similar?) you should probably consider putting in more about them earlier. I may have said this in my earlier reviews, I can’t quite remember…
“Judging by the light-gray lightning on your flesh…” - using the word light twice makes this sound redundant.
“Though his apprentice knew not, Kius lived only a few blocks from the complex, for during the day he instructed an advanced magic class.” - “Though his apprentice knew it not,…” also, this sentence seems rather formal and out of place. Perhaps you can find a different, more appropriate place to put it.
“Hi there, hows your day been?” - ‘how has’ contracted is ‘how’s.’
So yeah, main crit for this chapter is that the story’s moving a bit slowly. You’re going to want to either reveal, or once again at least touch upon the plot pretty soon. Oh, also, there seems to be some unnecessary point of view shifts. Generally speaking, you should stick to one pov per chapter/section.
I’ll be back to keep reading as life allows me to.
3/31/2008 c1 xrolipolix
Hur.
-"Blazing yellow light rained down upon from a sun that hung high over the hundreds of buildings that made up the city of Baikon. A sharply sloped roof posed no problem to a man who sat, clear gray eyes surveying the area, upon the crown of the building. Folding around him for miles in any direction, Baikon pinnacled with huge temples and libraries built of fine, imported stone. Low housing districts, much like the one he sat in at the moment; lay near the many guild headquarters of weaving, art, and other labor."
Try to use a ‘hook’ to drag a potential reader into the story. These are normally established in the first sentence or paragraph and are made to make the reader think how interesting the story is and make up their mind whether they want to read on or not. Start where the action starts, not where the hero is brushing his teeth.
In other words, right now you haven’t really given us a straight-forward character in which to latch on to. You haven’t given us anything that is going to draw our interest. Instead, you have started straight with description. But, sadly, right now the readers simply won’t care. Try and give the readers something to care about, instead of mindless description.
In short: Start where the action starts. Not necessarily where all the fight scenes are, but where the actual STORY starts. Just think:
Would it matter if I took this part out?
Will the story somehow be altered if I took this part out?
Is this part even necessary?
If all answers are no, then it’s probably best to just take it out.
-"Although by no action did he reveal it, the man was very bored by this post; nothing happened except that some merchants cheated various tourists. Elsewhere on the street, the occasional dog nipped at the heel of a passing man and was scolded, or children wrestled mockingly. All boring for a man used to running and fighting, living a life of action and energy. By no movement did he betray his presence; he sat so perfectly still that his cloak, covered in blotches of auburn, bottle green, and olive, destroyed his outline and made him nearly impossible to see."
Here we continue with... nothing particularly interesting. Finally we have a character to latch onto, but what reason do you give to us so that we actually care for him? We don’t. That’s the thing. You finally give us a character who looks mildly interesting, and then you continue to describe and point out things that have no real relevance to the actual story. Again, refer to the before questions.
Only mention things that have significance in the story. You can’t mention a pretty tree for the heck of it then never mention it again. It’s a waste of time. Only mention things that are going to be seen again or have some significance to the story, character or plot and maybe setting.
You have to get readers to actually WANT to know more. Don’t disappoint them with oodles of nothing.
-"The slightest rustle of movement and suddenly a figure was beside him, tossing a full head of scarlet hair to face the patrolman. Her cloak was reminiscent of his own, except her pattern were slightly different and darker shades of gray and black. Taking this in, he muttered under his breath."
Again, you introduce another character, and then hand us most of the description. Though I am not exactly sure if this is an infodump; if it disrupts the flow of the story, it might as well classify as one.
-"“No time. I was busy all last night in the Old District..."
I am not so sure if the capitalisation is needed. If you are using ‘old’ as an adjective, as in saying that it’s an old district, then don’t bother capitalising.
-"there was a terrorist attack by a lone archer in the Library of Phokus."
A lone ranger is hardly a problem. As the name suggests, the person will specialise in long-range combat. So if someone were to run up to him and attack him head-on, then there wouldn’t be much this ‘ranger’ could do. Secondly, why attack a library? People attack for a general good reason. They can’t attack ‘just because’.
-"Had to wipe him up, then report to the boss. But I’ve needed to ask you something, Kius.” Turning his tanned face to face her, his deep eyes met her hazel ones and she easily held his gaze."
Don’t describe people with just their hair and eyes. It gets repetitive. Do they have a limp? Are they gaunt? Are they raw-boned? Any defining features? Also, if you have already mentioned that this person has X-coloured eyes, then don’t repeat it. The reader already knows and it does get annoying when the author keeps reminding them again and again.
-"A cool fall wind brushed over them, for despite the city’s southern location, a border with the sea kept the temperatures moderate year-round."
And again, more information that isn’t really relevant and doesn’t really matter unless the readers want to know about the climate.
-"Although her expression softened somewhat, clearly she was still riled."
Show emotions, character traits and relationships; don’t tell. If the character is angry, make their eyebrows knit and make them frown; if they’re frustrated, make them scream into a pillow; if they’re happy make them smile and so on. Don’t tell me that they’re sad and wish to crawl into a hole and die. Make them cry, scream and wail. Showing emotionally drags the reader further into the story by helping them try to figure out how the character is feeling. Show, don’t tell.
-"“A weapon was found near him, covered in blood. Not only that… we believe it to be the weapon of a Blade.”"
A stupid mistake. If these Blades are really the trained and professional assassins that you say they are, then I doubt that one would be stupid enough to leave the very weapon that committed the crime at the scene. It’s stupid, and slightly unbelievable.
-"defenses"- Defences.
-By the end of the chapter, a lot of nothing has happened. You have described a problem. You have given us characters, but not much personality has shown. There is not much of the character that the reader, at this moment, can hold onto and empathise (if not, sympathise) with. Character empathy needs to be established as soon as possible. Readers need to like and be interested, yet when you don't give them anything to be interested in, then what incentive do they have to keep reading?
I may be one person, but that is my personal opinion.
Hur.
-"Blazing yellow light rained down upon from a sun that hung high over the hundreds of buildings that made up the city of Baikon. A sharply sloped roof posed no problem to a man who sat, clear gray eyes surveying the area, upon the crown of the building. Folding around him for miles in any direction, Baikon pinnacled with huge temples and libraries built of fine, imported stone. Low housing districts, much like the one he sat in at the moment; lay near the many guild headquarters of weaving, art, and other labor."
Try to use a ‘hook’ to drag a potential reader into the story. These are normally established in the first sentence or paragraph and are made to make the reader think how interesting the story is and make up their mind whether they want to read on or not. Start where the action starts, not where the hero is brushing his teeth.
In other words, right now you haven’t really given us a straight-forward character in which to latch on to. You haven’t given us anything that is going to draw our interest. Instead, you have started straight with description. But, sadly, right now the readers simply won’t care. Try and give the readers something to care about, instead of mindless description.
In short: Start where the action starts. Not necessarily where all the fight scenes are, but where the actual STORY starts. Just think:
Would it matter if I took this part out?
Will the story somehow be altered if I took this part out?
Is this part even necessary?
If all answers are no, then it’s probably best to just take it out.
-"Although by no action did he reveal it, the man was very bored by this post; nothing happened except that some merchants cheated various tourists. Elsewhere on the street, the occasional dog nipped at the heel of a passing man and was scolded, or children wrestled mockingly. All boring for a man used to running and fighting, living a life of action and energy. By no movement did he betray his presence; he sat so perfectly still that his cloak, covered in blotches of auburn, bottle green, and olive, destroyed his outline and made him nearly impossible to see."
Here we continue with... nothing particularly interesting. Finally we have a character to latch onto, but what reason do you give to us so that we actually care for him? We don’t. That’s the thing. You finally give us a character who looks mildly interesting, and then you continue to describe and point out things that have no real relevance to the actual story. Again, refer to the before questions.
Only mention things that have significance in the story. You can’t mention a pretty tree for the heck of it then never mention it again. It’s a waste of time. Only mention things that are going to be seen again or have some significance to the story, character or plot and maybe setting.
You have to get readers to actually WANT to know more. Don’t disappoint them with oodles of nothing.
-"The slightest rustle of movement and suddenly a figure was beside him, tossing a full head of scarlet hair to face the patrolman. Her cloak was reminiscent of his own, except her pattern were slightly different and darker shades of gray and black. Taking this in, he muttered under his breath."
Again, you introduce another character, and then hand us most of the description. Though I am not exactly sure if this is an infodump; if it disrupts the flow of the story, it might as well classify as one.
-"“No time. I was busy all last night in the Old District..."
I am not so sure if the capitalisation is needed. If you are using ‘old’ as an adjective, as in saying that it’s an old district, then don’t bother capitalising.
-"there was a terrorist attack by a lone archer in the Library of Phokus."
A lone ranger is hardly a problem. As the name suggests, the person will specialise in long-range combat. So if someone were to run up to him and attack him head-on, then there wouldn’t be much this ‘ranger’ could do. Secondly, why attack a library? People attack for a general good reason. They can’t attack ‘just because’.
-"Had to wipe him up, then report to the boss. But I’ve needed to ask you something, Kius.” Turning his tanned face to face her, his deep eyes met her hazel ones and she easily held his gaze."
Don’t describe people with just their hair and eyes. It gets repetitive. Do they have a limp? Are they gaunt? Are they raw-boned? Any defining features? Also, if you have already mentioned that this person has X-coloured eyes, then don’t repeat it. The reader already knows and it does get annoying when the author keeps reminding them again and again.
-"A cool fall wind brushed over them, for despite the city’s southern location, a border with the sea kept the temperatures moderate year-round."
And again, more information that isn’t really relevant and doesn’t really matter unless the readers want to know about the climate.
-"Although her expression softened somewhat, clearly she was still riled."
Show emotions, character traits and relationships; don’t tell. If the character is angry, make their eyebrows knit and make them frown; if they’re frustrated, make them scream into a pillow; if they’re happy make them smile and so on. Don’t tell me that they’re sad and wish to crawl into a hole and die. Make them cry, scream and wail. Showing emotionally drags the reader further into the story by helping them try to figure out how the character is feeling. Show, don’t tell.
-"“A weapon was found near him, covered in blood. Not only that… we believe it to be the weapon of a Blade.”"
A stupid mistake. If these Blades are really the trained and professional assassins that you say they are, then I doubt that one would be stupid enough to leave the very weapon that committed the crime at the scene. It’s stupid, and slightly unbelievable.
-"defenses"- Defences.
-By the end of the chapter, a lot of nothing has happened. You have described a problem. You have given us characters, but not much personality has shown. There is not much of the character that the reader, at this moment, can hold onto and empathise (if not, sympathise) with. Character empathy needs to be established as soon as possible. Readers need to like and be interested, yet when you don't give them anything to be interested in, then what incentive do they have to keep reading?
I may be one person, but that is my personal opinion.
3/28/2008 c2 Translucently Opaque
The fight scene did not disappoint. You had no reason to feel nervous. My one problem is that either now (in this chapter) or very soon, he should probably begin to feel the effects of that stab wound to his back. Unless, of course, the woman didn’t actually make it. This was unclear.
My major grammatical critique for this chapter is that you seem to dislike beginning sentences with the word ‘the.’ There’s really nothing wrong with it, as long as you don‘t do it constantly. Sometimes, simply adding a ‘the’ can help a sentence become more clear. And, as a minor point, you sometimes had one dot too many for the ellipses.
“Hidden in the shadows of a chimney, Kius watched the home of the thieves Darik instructed him to pursue.” - I’m not sure that a chimney would have two shadows, though I suppose it would depend on the position of the sun in correlation with the chimney itself. Anyway, just thought I’d point that out. Also, you should probably put ‘had’ between the words ‘Darik’ and ‘instructed’ therefore more clearly indicating that it is past tense.
“Normally clean scars upon his body were now twisted, as though desperate for change.” - twisted or twisting? From a later passage, I would guess that it was the second. By the by, you might want to do a bit more explaining of this whole blood on random black stripes makes Kius happy. Maybe you do… I’ll have to keep reading to find out. Anyway, this is one instance where adding 'the' might help.
“His eyes were lined and feral and gone was any suggestion of humor…” - I’m not sure what you mean by lined eyes?
“Bent over double, he crossed the dark street and neared the house of his prey.” - maybe you could say ‘crouched low’ because the image generated by ‘bent over double’ is rather awkward.
“Toned muscles flexed as he expertly crawled up the wall, resembling a spider missing half its legs.” - fantastic imagery, and an amazing analogy.
“His mouth opened and let out a low hiss; some teeth now resembled short fangs.” - just add ‘of his’ between ‘some’ and ‘teeth.’
“Then he spotted a perfect entryway; a trap door lay upon the flat roof, perhaps so one could come out and enjoy the sun during the day.” - the last comment beginning with ‘perhaps’ and ending with ‘day’ is unnecessary. It’s already quite obvious what the trapdoor is used for.
“A low cot was next to the wall, and a air of strong shutters covered the window.” - did you mean ‘pair’ and not ‘air.’
“But punishment for the thieves was always an amusing side objective….” - Amusing… certainly.
“…but convincing the thieves’ to reveal the daggers location would take even shorter.” - ‘would take an even shorter time.’
“Teeth lined the one side, designed for catching a foe’s sword and tearing it from his grasp.” - I think you should probably mention now that this is his sword breaker. People less knowledgeable about weapons might be confused later on when you mention it.
“Despite being a half-foot shorter than the thief, Kius’s muscles resembled steel from years and years of intense training.” - this makes no sense the way it is. It either needs another piece at the end (…Kius’s muscles resembled steel from years and years of intense training, and the thief was immediately knocked senseless.) or it needs to be completely restructured.
“Confess to your crimes now, or there will be serious retribution.” - ‘confess your crimes’ not ‘confess -to- your crimes.’
“Recoiling violently from the assassin, Kius refused to loosen his grip upon his shirt.” - this makes no sense, and it makes it sound like Kius is recoiling from himself, refusing to release his own shirt. To fix it, you could say something along the lines of “Though the thief recoiled violently from the assassin, Kius refused to loosen his grip upon his shirt.”
“His gray eyes only inches from fearful green ones, the man looked fearfully at the black scars, which were twisting visibly in the dancing shadows.” - you say fearfully twice. Repetition is something we wish to avoid. Lest we repeat ourselves. Or be redundant. Over and over again. Or even recurrently…
“Attacking a Blade can warrant you an execution, if you’re not already dead from the officer. I hope you knew that.” - this would flow much better as “Attacking a Blade warrants an execution, if the officer himself doesn’t kill you. I hope you know that.”
“Breathing very slowly into the man’s face, his breath carried the scent of danger.” - might flow better as ‘He breathed very slowly into the man’s face, his breath carrying the scent of danger.’
“Flipping it roughly over, underneath was a small box, which contained three silver daggers. Picking the box up, Kius tossed it on the ground near the door.” - these sentences are extremely awkward. To explain why would take an extremely boring English lesson, and I’m pretty sure you know what I’m talking about anyway. The major problem with it is plot wise (not even going into grammar) is that it seems like he throws the box aside without taking the daggers.
“..but the young man who helped Kius grabbed his shoulders and roughly tossed him back into the room.” - the young man who -had- helped Kius, you mean. Watch out for those tenses.
“Without warning, a horrible look of recognition and rage crossed the new man’s face.” - ‘newcomer’s’ might work better than ‘new man’s.’
“Kius said the words strangely, his slight fangs giving the words a whistle.” - that’s so cool. I always find it difficult to describe the way characters speak, but this was perfect.
“Pulling him to his feet, she lead him from the house, giving Kius one last look.” - what kind of look? Be specific.
“After a moment, I recognized him.” - the ‘after a moment’ isn’t really necessary.
“His face seemed to conflict, then he turned with a small smile.” - emotions can conflict, but I don’t think a face can, because there’s only one of them.
These stripes are going to have to be explained soon. Going more than two chapters without divulging the main character’s race is dangerous. More so since it seems you’ve brought in another character of the same race.
All for now. I’ll be back as time allows to continue.
The fight scene did not disappoint. You had no reason to feel nervous. My one problem is that either now (in this chapter) or very soon, he should probably begin to feel the effects of that stab wound to his back. Unless, of course, the woman didn’t actually make it. This was unclear.
My major grammatical critique for this chapter is that you seem to dislike beginning sentences with the word ‘the.’ There’s really nothing wrong with it, as long as you don‘t do it constantly. Sometimes, simply adding a ‘the’ can help a sentence become more clear. And, as a minor point, you sometimes had one dot too many for the ellipses.
“Hidden in the shadows of a chimney, Kius watched the home of the thieves Darik instructed him to pursue.” - I’m not sure that a chimney would have two shadows, though I suppose it would depend on the position of the sun in correlation with the chimney itself. Anyway, just thought I’d point that out. Also, you should probably put ‘had’ between the words ‘Darik’ and ‘instructed’ therefore more clearly indicating that it is past tense.
“Normally clean scars upon his body were now twisted, as though desperate for change.” - twisted or twisting? From a later passage, I would guess that it was the second. By the by, you might want to do a bit more explaining of this whole blood on random black stripes makes Kius happy. Maybe you do… I’ll have to keep reading to find out. Anyway, this is one instance where adding 'the' might help.
“His eyes were lined and feral and gone was any suggestion of humor…” - I’m not sure what you mean by lined eyes?
“Bent over double, he crossed the dark street and neared the house of his prey.” - maybe you could say ‘crouched low’ because the image generated by ‘bent over double’ is rather awkward.
“Toned muscles flexed as he expertly crawled up the wall, resembling a spider missing half its legs.” - fantastic imagery, and an amazing analogy.
“His mouth opened and let out a low hiss; some teeth now resembled short fangs.” - just add ‘of his’ between ‘some’ and ‘teeth.’
“Then he spotted a perfect entryway; a trap door lay upon the flat roof, perhaps so one could come out and enjoy the sun during the day.” - the last comment beginning with ‘perhaps’ and ending with ‘day’ is unnecessary. It’s already quite obvious what the trapdoor is used for.
“A low cot was next to the wall, and a air of strong shutters covered the window.” - did you mean ‘pair’ and not ‘air.’
“But punishment for the thieves was always an amusing side objective….” - Amusing… certainly.
“…but convincing the thieves’ to reveal the daggers location would take even shorter.” - ‘would take an even shorter time.’
“Teeth lined the one side, designed for catching a foe’s sword and tearing it from his grasp.” - I think you should probably mention now that this is his sword breaker. People less knowledgeable about weapons might be confused later on when you mention it.
“Despite being a half-foot shorter than the thief, Kius’s muscles resembled steel from years and years of intense training.” - this makes no sense the way it is. It either needs another piece at the end (…Kius’s muscles resembled steel from years and years of intense training, and the thief was immediately knocked senseless.) or it needs to be completely restructured.
“Confess to your crimes now, or there will be serious retribution.” - ‘confess your crimes’ not ‘confess -to- your crimes.’
“Recoiling violently from the assassin, Kius refused to loosen his grip upon his shirt.” - this makes no sense, and it makes it sound like Kius is recoiling from himself, refusing to release his own shirt. To fix it, you could say something along the lines of “Though the thief recoiled violently from the assassin, Kius refused to loosen his grip upon his shirt.”
“His gray eyes only inches from fearful green ones, the man looked fearfully at the black scars, which were twisting visibly in the dancing shadows.” - you say fearfully twice. Repetition is something we wish to avoid. Lest we repeat ourselves. Or be redundant. Over and over again. Or even recurrently…
“Attacking a Blade can warrant you an execution, if you’re not already dead from the officer. I hope you knew that.” - this would flow much better as “Attacking a Blade warrants an execution, if the officer himself doesn’t kill you. I hope you know that.”
“Breathing very slowly into the man’s face, his breath carried the scent of danger.” - might flow better as ‘He breathed very slowly into the man’s face, his breath carrying the scent of danger.’
“Flipping it roughly over, underneath was a small box, which contained three silver daggers. Picking the box up, Kius tossed it on the ground near the door.” - these sentences are extremely awkward. To explain why would take an extremely boring English lesson, and I’m pretty sure you know what I’m talking about anyway. The major problem with it is plot wise (not even going into grammar) is that it seems like he throws the box aside without taking the daggers.
“..but the young man who helped Kius grabbed his shoulders and roughly tossed him back into the room.” - the young man who -had- helped Kius, you mean. Watch out for those tenses.
“Without warning, a horrible look of recognition and rage crossed the new man’s face.” - ‘newcomer’s’ might work better than ‘new man’s.’
“Kius said the words strangely, his slight fangs giving the words a whistle.” - that’s so cool. I always find it difficult to describe the way characters speak, but this was perfect.
“Pulling him to his feet, she lead him from the house, giving Kius one last look.” - what kind of look? Be specific.
“After a moment, I recognized him.” - the ‘after a moment’ isn’t really necessary.
“His face seemed to conflict, then he turned with a small smile.” - emotions can conflict, but I don’t think a face can, because there’s only one of them.
These stripes are going to have to be explained soon. Going more than two chapters without divulging the main character’s race is dangerous. More so since it seems you’ve brought in another character of the same race.
All for now. I’ll be back as time allows to continue.
3/27/2008 c1 Translucently Opaque
First off, I’d like to say that I thoroughly enjoyed reading this. Your description, characterization, and dialogue were all executed very well. Also, it seems that you actually use spellcheck. It’s surprising and sad the amount of people that don’t. Anyway, I can gather from this first chapter and your summary that the plot is not too overdone or terribly clichéd. I must admit that I love stories about assassins, thieves, and other character who you wouldn’t really except to be “good,” but who are awesome anyway. It’s interesting, especially, considering he is actually a law-enforcer. Very intriguing indeed.
So saying though, there were some grammatical errors that need to be fixed, and a few other points that should be addressed. However, I’d like to first give a few disclaimers. One is that my reviews are inevitably long. I tend to dissect stories as I read them, so every sentence that has a potential problem will be pointed out. Also while reading this review, it might be best to remember McIntyre's First Law: “Under the right circumstances, anything I tell you may be wrong.” It is also good to remember O'Brien's First Corollary to McIntyre's First Law: “We don't know what the right circumstances are, either.”
Therefore, it is your right as author to veto any and all suggestions I make. However, if there are those that you choose to ignore, I would appreciate knowing why. This way, we are both enlightened. Also, if you decide that you wouldn’t like to receive such in-depth reviews, please let me know, and I will continue reading the book and point out only the most blatant of errors.
And now to begin:
The major point that I noticed was your sentence structure. Often your sentences, while grammatically correct by all technical points, just don’t flow well. I’ll be pointing these out and, when I can, I’ll also give you suggestions on how to fix them.
“Blazing yellow light rained down upon from a sun that hung high over the hundreds of buildings that made up the city of Baikon.” - this sentence could be fixed by simply eliminating the word ‘upon.’
“A sharply sloped roof posed no problem to a man who sat, clear gray eyes surveying the area, upon the crown of the building.” - this sentence would flow better if the remark in commas was placed instead at the end of the sentence.
“Baikon pinnacled with huge temples and libraries…” - though I’m not quite sure, I don’t think ‘pinnacled’ is the correct word. I would try looking for an alternative.
“Low housing districts, much like the one he sat in at the moment; lay near the many guild headquarters of weaving, art, and other labor.” - the semicolon is awkward. A normal comma would work just fine. Also, I believe that ‘labor’ should be ‘labors.’
“…except her pattern were slightly different and darker shades of gray and black.” - change ‘were’ to ‘was’ and change ‘and’ to ‘with.’
“Doesn’t even bother to put on her day cloak….” - very good first bit of dialogue. It really thrusts the reader in without confusing us. You can almost hear the tone in his voice and see his expression. Very nice.
“But I’ve needed to ask you something, Kius.” - ‘I’ve’ should simply be ‘I.’
“Turning his tanned face to face her…” - this is a bit repetitive. Try using some synonyms to change it up a bit.
“Hazel eyes hardened into flawed emeralds.” - I like this analogy. Very vivid.
“The girl shows excellent skills at stealth, but is far too heavy-handed with a dagger.” - this sentence might be improved by replacing ‘but’ with ‘though.’
“Although her expression softened somewhat, clearly she was still riled.” - might flow more as ‘she was clearly still riled.’
“Her eyes met his and she broke into a small smile, and then blinked in memory.” - well, -she- didn’t break into a small smile, her mouth did.
“Something to do with the problem of the errant sacrifices of Mayun?” - this is never actually discussed when he goes to Darik’s office, though. Perhaps you should make it more clear that this is mere conjecture on her part?
“C’mon, you know that this is merely an excuse to distract you. You understand Darik fears you will usurp his position, I hope!” - this sounds very scripted and unnatural. If you would like help with how to make it seem less affected, then please feel free to ask.
“Kius glanced down at the tempered steel badge at his waist, with the picture of a golden wolf upon it.” - this sentence could be made less passive by being split into two. Something like this; ‘Kius glanced down at the tempered steel badge at his waist. The golden wolf engraved on it caught a glint of the (midday/setting/rising) sun and shone brightly.’
“Searing black stripes lined his face, a mark of his race.” - how lovely. What race? Now might be a good time to explain…
“No one can kill me.” - ooh. Very interesting. He’s quite sure of himself isn’t he. Heh. I do love assassins. They make fantastic characters. Once again, a top notch bit of dialogue.
“Winding through both the crowded streets and abandoned alleyways with ease, people hurriedly cleared out of the way for him, a member of His Blade.” - I would end this sentence with the word ‘him.’ This way you can begin a new sentence with the information about him being in His Blade. This will give you the opportunity to give us a bit more background info on it.
“Perhaps it was the scars, or the weapons at his waist, or the badge upon his belt, but almost certainly not.” - try replacing ‘but almost certainly not’ with ‘but this was unlikely.’
“Even aside from these obvious signs, there was a cold hardness upon his face, the confident and lithe way he strode about, but something made fear and power radiate from this man like heat.” - this sentence needs some work. It should probably be split up into more than one sentence. Maybe something like ‘Even aside from these obvious signs, there was a cold hardness upon his face. There was something in the confident and lithe way he strode about. Something made strength and power radiate from this man like heat.”
“…Kius broke into a jog down the corridor.” - you could simplify and clarify this by just saying ‘Kius jogged down the corridor.’
“…the others were the highest ranks and equal to Kius himself.” - ‘…the others were -of- the highest rank…’
“…a fairly old assassin considering the mortality rate…” - at first, I thought that this was referring to the general mortality rate of the whole country. You could clear this up by saying ‘…a fairly old assassin considering the mortality rate of the profession…’ or something similar.
“Was there any evidence to go off?” - it is unclear what you mean in this sentence. Please clarify.
“Not only that… we believe it to be the weapon of a Blade.” - couldn’t it simply have been Harun’s own weapon?
“The man was a Craftsman, or third-level, but there was no sign of a struggle.” - all those gathered know that Craftsmen are third-level, so he should not need to say this. But we, as readers, kind of do need to know. So, I suppose the best thing to do would be to work it in in a different way. Perhaps ‘The man was a Craftsman…third-level,” he paused as if in reflection. “But there was no sign of a struggle.’ Or just anything along those lines. Just that pause in the middle makes it like he said that as if he, himself, is analyzing it and therefore giving it more thought than he normally would have.
“Watch for any sign of disobedience or rebelliousness, especially for young, talented assassins.” - you mean especially -in- young, talented assassins?
“Darik was close to Harun, but even the leader of a House couldn’t allow emotion to interfere with his duties.” - that should be ‘Darik had been close to Harun…’ considering the fact that Harun is now dead. Also, instead of ‘even,’ shouldn’t it be ‘but the leader of a House especially couldn’t…’?
“Naturally, boss.” - for some reason, I really think that this would be better as just ‘Naturally.’ I can’t even explain why, which is unusual for me… The word ‘boss’ sounds strangely unnatural.
As a last point, I really like the names. They’re short, simple, diverse, and just all in all cool. One thing that I struggle with most in my own writing is that I always seem to come up with names that are ridiculously long and difficult to pronounce.
I will be back to continue reading as time allows. I look forward especially to reading one of your famous action scenes. I get the feeling that there will be one soon…
First off, I’d like to say that I thoroughly enjoyed reading this. Your description, characterization, and dialogue were all executed very well. Also, it seems that you actually use spellcheck. It’s surprising and sad the amount of people that don’t. Anyway, I can gather from this first chapter and your summary that the plot is not too overdone or terribly clichéd. I must admit that I love stories about assassins, thieves, and other character who you wouldn’t really except to be “good,” but who are awesome anyway. It’s interesting, especially, considering he is actually a law-enforcer. Very intriguing indeed.
So saying though, there were some grammatical errors that need to be fixed, and a few other points that should be addressed. However, I’d like to first give a few disclaimers. One is that my reviews are inevitably long. I tend to dissect stories as I read them, so every sentence that has a potential problem will be pointed out. Also while reading this review, it might be best to remember McIntyre's First Law: “Under the right circumstances, anything I tell you may be wrong.” It is also good to remember O'Brien's First Corollary to McIntyre's First Law: “We don't know what the right circumstances are, either.”
Therefore, it is your right as author to veto any and all suggestions I make. However, if there are those that you choose to ignore, I would appreciate knowing why. This way, we are both enlightened. Also, if you decide that you wouldn’t like to receive such in-depth reviews, please let me know, and I will continue reading the book and point out only the most blatant of errors.
And now to begin:
The major point that I noticed was your sentence structure. Often your sentences, while grammatically correct by all technical points, just don’t flow well. I’ll be pointing these out and, when I can, I’ll also give you suggestions on how to fix them.
“Blazing yellow light rained down upon from a sun that hung high over the hundreds of buildings that made up the city of Baikon.” - this sentence could be fixed by simply eliminating the word ‘upon.’
“A sharply sloped roof posed no problem to a man who sat, clear gray eyes surveying the area, upon the crown of the building.” - this sentence would flow better if the remark in commas was placed instead at the end of the sentence.
“Baikon pinnacled with huge temples and libraries…” - though I’m not quite sure, I don’t think ‘pinnacled’ is the correct word. I would try looking for an alternative.
“Low housing districts, much like the one he sat in at the moment; lay near the many guild headquarters of weaving, art, and other labor.” - the semicolon is awkward. A normal comma would work just fine. Also, I believe that ‘labor’ should be ‘labors.’
“…except her pattern were slightly different and darker shades of gray and black.” - change ‘were’ to ‘was’ and change ‘and’ to ‘with.’
“Doesn’t even bother to put on her day cloak….” - very good first bit of dialogue. It really thrusts the reader in without confusing us. You can almost hear the tone in his voice and see his expression. Very nice.
“But I’ve needed to ask you something, Kius.” - ‘I’ve’ should simply be ‘I.’
“Turning his tanned face to face her…” - this is a bit repetitive. Try using some synonyms to change it up a bit.
“Hazel eyes hardened into flawed emeralds.” - I like this analogy. Very vivid.
“The girl shows excellent skills at stealth, but is far too heavy-handed with a dagger.” - this sentence might be improved by replacing ‘but’ with ‘though.’
“Although her expression softened somewhat, clearly she was still riled.” - might flow more as ‘she was clearly still riled.’
“Her eyes met his and she broke into a small smile, and then blinked in memory.” - well, -she- didn’t break into a small smile, her mouth did.
“Something to do with the problem of the errant sacrifices of Mayun?” - this is never actually discussed when he goes to Darik’s office, though. Perhaps you should make it more clear that this is mere conjecture on her part?
“C’mon, you know that this is merely an excuse to distract you. You understand Darik fears you will usurp his position, I hope!” - this sounds very scripted and unnatural. If you would like help with how to make it seem less affected, then please feel free to ask.
“Kius glanced down at the tempered steel badge at his waist, with the picture of a golden wolf upon it.” - this sentence could be made less passive by being split into two. Something like this; ‘Kius glanced down at the tempered steel badge at his waist. The golden wolf engraved on it caught a glint of the (midday/setting/rising) sun and shone brightly.’
“Searing black stripes lined his face, a mark of his race.” - how lovely. What race? Now might be a good time to explain…
“No one can kill me.” - ooh. Very interesting. He’s quite sure of himself isn’t he. Heh. I do love assassins. They make fantastic characters. Once again, a top notch bit of dialogue.
“Winding through both the crowded streets and abandoned alleyways with ease, people hurriedly cleared out of the way for him, a member of His Blade.” - I would end this sentence with the word ‘him.’ This way you can begin a new sentence with the information about him being in His Blade. This will give you the opportunity to give us a bit more background info on it.
“Perhaps it was the scars, or the weapons at his waist, or the badge upon his belt, but almost certainly not.” - try replacing ‘but almost certainly not’ with ‘but this was unlikely.’
“Even aside from these obvious signs, there was a cold hardness upon his face, the confident and lithe way he strode about, but something made fear and power radiate from this man like heat.” - this sentence needs some work. It should probably be split up into more than one sentence. Maybe something like ‘Even aside from these obvious signs, there was a cold hardness upon his face. There was something in the confident and lithe way he strode about. Something made strength and power radiate from this man like heat.”
“…Kius broke into a jog down the corridor.” - you could simplify and clarify this by just saying ‘Kius jogged down the corridor.’
“…the others were the highest ranks and equal to Kius himself.” - ‘…the others were -of- the highest rank…’
“…a fairly old assassin considering the mortality rate…” - at first, I thought that this was referring to the general mortality rate of the whole country. You could clear this up by saying ‘…a fairly old assassin considering the mortality rate of the profession…’ or something similar.
“Was there any evidence to go off?” - it is unclear what you mean in this sentence. Please clarify.
“Not only that… we believe it to be the weapon of a Blade.” - couldn’t it simply have been Harun’s own weapon?
“The man was a Craftsman, or third-level, but there was no sign of a struggle.” - all those gathered know that Craftsmen are third-level, so he should not need to say this. But we, as readers, kind of do need to know. So, I suppose the best thing to do would be to work it in in a different way. Perhaps ‘The man was a Craftsman…third-level,” he paused as if in reflection. “But there was no sign of a struggle.’ Or just anything along those lines. Just that pause in the middle makes it like he said that as if he, himself, is analyzing it and therefore giving it more thought than he normally would have.
“Watch for any sign of disobedience or rebelliousness, especially for young, talented assassins.” - you mean especially -in- young, talented assassins?
“Darik was close to Harun, but even the leader of a House couldn’t allow emotion to interfere with his duties.” - that should be ‘Darik had been close to Harun…’ considering the fact that Harun is now dead. Also, instead of ‘even,’ shouldn’t it be ‘but the leader of a House especially couldn’t…’?
“Naturally, boss.” - for some reason, I really think that this would be better as just ‘Naturally.’ I can’t even explain why, which is unusual for me… The word ‘boss’ sounds strangely unnatural.
As a last point, I really like the names. They’re short, simple, diverse, and just all in all cool. One thing that I struggle with most in my own writing is that I always seem to come up with names that are ridiculously long and difficult to pronounce.
I will be back to continue reading as time allows. I look forward especially to reading one of your famous action scenes. I get the feeling that there will be one soon…
3/19/2008 c6 6The Syn of Man
Once more, I am amazed, blown away by the level of your writing. Very few, if any, mistakes this time around. I loved the scene with Sal, his anger very accurate to what a teenager would feel, while Kius was indeed the worried and caring father. Can't wait for the next, and please, review the new chapter of Shattered Dreams.
6The Syn of ManOnce more, I am amazed, blown away by the level of your writing. Very few, if any, mistakes this time around. I loved the scene with Sal, his anger very accurate to what a teenager would feel, while Kius was indeed the worried and caring father. Can't wait for the next, and please, review the new chapter of Shattered Dreams.
3/7/2008 c6 414The Story Crafter
Well done. And no I'm not going to stop there because there is a lot of stuff to say. First off I envy your talent in writing action scenes. I myself haven't wrote an action scene in ages, but I know some of the problems. Sometimes you want to get right to the action and skip all else. Sometimes you make the action too fast (which can be good if you can balance it with plot, and background information). Your action scenes are quite top notch. As mentioned before the whole school thing is way overdone. But I like this reminds me very much of Star Wars. Hey if this is being compared to that it CANT be bad. Assasins are tough to write about and not make them seem like they're invincible. You do this well because it feels like the characters will never die but you know they're able to be hurt. It's a good balance.
Only thing I suggest is you write some more to fuel my reading urges :P! I know what you mean about being a writer'sblockaholic. I hate it.
Spectacular job sir.
Negasi.
414The Story CrafterWell done. And no I'm not going to stop there because there is a lot of stuff to say. First off I envy your talent in writing action scenes. I myself haven't wrote an action scene in ages, but I know some of the problems. Sometimes you want to get right to the action and skip all else. Sometimes you make the action too fast (which can be good if you can balance it with plot, and background information). Your action scenes are quite top notch. As mentioned before the whole school thing is way overdone. But I like this reminds me very much of Star Wars. Hey if this is being compared to that it CANT be bad. Assasins are tough to write about and not make them seem like they're invincible. You do this well because it feels like the characters will never die but you know they're able to be hurt. It's a good balance.
Only thing I suggest is you write some more to fuel my reading urges :P! I know what you mean about being a writer'sblockaholic. I hate it.
Spectacular job sir.
Negasi.
3/1/2008 c3 2Evil Minion Number 2
Starting to sound a little like a school fic by this part. The minion advises being careful about that, don't want this to turn into a "high school with ninjas lol" story.
2Evil Minion Number 2Starting to sound a little like a school fic by this part. The minion advises being careful about that, don't want this to turn into a "high school with ninjas lol" story.
2/29/2008 c1 pawprintwriter
I've only managed to read Chapter 1 so far, but will actually have time to relax tomorrow to finish the rest. However, so far you have me hooked. I like your style and you have a knack for ending scenes. The first one had me smiling as it shows the friendship between Kius and Allenia. What's even better is that you keep things moving without getting too sparse, well done! I can't wait to read more and see how your style and voice carry through the rest of the story.
However, I'm not much of a starting with a description of a place… unless its really vital and extremely well written it just doesn't draw me in right off the bat. I'll admit to skipping the first paragraph, finding the first line of dialogue and the deciding I really wanted to go back up and read the start because *then* you had me interested. Overall you have a decent hand at description and your ability to keep the story moving and the characters interacting makes up for it tenfold.
There was a lot of information that appeared in the first Chapter in bits and pieces… a good thing in the fact that I'm curious enough that I want to figure it all out. And bad in the sense that I'm a bit confused.
Overall, I’m intrigued and I'll be reading the rest. This is a really, really interesting idea you have here. ^_^ Thanks for keying me in, now you have another reader on board. Thanks again for reviewing my story as well; hopefully I can get you a better review up tomorrow when I've finished reading.
I've only managed to read Chapter 1 so far, but will actually have time to relax tomorrow to finish the rest. However, so far you have me hooked. I like your style and you have a knack for ending scenes. The first one had me smiling as it shows the friendship between Kius and Allenia. What's even better is that you keep things moving without getting too sparse, well done! I can't wait to read more and see how your style and voice carry through the rest of the story.
However, I'm not much of a starting with a description of a place… unless its really vital and extremely well written it just doesn't draw me in right off the bat. I'll admit to skipping the first paragraph, finding the first line of dialogue and the deciding I really wanted to go back up and read the start because *then* you had me interested. Overall you have a decent hand at description and your ability to keep the story moving and the characters interacting makes up for it tenfold.
There was a lot of information that appeared in the first Chapter in bits and pieces… a good thing in the fact that I'm curious enough that I want to figure it all out. And bad in the sense that I'm a bit confused.
Overall, I’m intrigued and I'll be reading the rest. This is a really, really interesting idea you have here. ^_^ Thanks for keying me in, now you have another reader on board. Thanks again for reviewing my story as well; hopefully I can get you a better review up tomorrow when I've finished reading.
2/29/2008 c5 MarkusJakus
Well, here it is, as promised (and boy am I happy :D).
The good: Let me tell you, there are few stories that can capture my attention like this one. I like the description and grammer so far, and I enjoy Sal.
The bad: Simply put, the 'history of magic' rang like a bad (but funny) Harry Potter reference. (Just kidding, it's fine where it is.)
Comments: I would like to submit the theory that the creature that attacked the magic teacher is a Were-wolf (by bite or by magic).
Well, here it is, as promised (and boy am I happy :D).
The good: Let me tell you, there are few stories that can capture my attention like this one. I like the description and grammer so far, and I enjoy Sal.
The bad: Simply put, the 'history of magic' rang like a bad (but funny) Harry Potter reference. (Just kidding, it's fine where it is.)
Comments: I would like to submit the theory that the creature that attacked the magic teacher is a Were-wolf (by bite or by magic).
2/28/2008 c1 165RandomUser674
This was good! Just one quick question: is it pronounced Ba-ee-kon or Bay-kin (LOL Bacon!)
165RandomUser674This was good! Just one quick question: is it pronounced Ba-ee-kon or Bay-kin (LOL Bacon!)