for Bad Boys and the Consequences11/19/2008 c3 
5Orio K
T-T
I really like this storyline...but if I didn't I'd flame you in a second for not understanding how to use periods and comma.
An example of your writing:
I think beau could feel the rage just about to jump out of me for he put his hand on my thigh and said “ I asked you here because you cut up my girl and I would like to discuss the consequences of those actions” logan stared at me and beau for a moment before he said “hmm well how I see it you can declare war something we’ve been on the edge for ages or you can let it go” beau smiled “that’s not what I was thinking you see I plan to take my revenge on your boy and once im done with him once iv marked him till my hearts content I will give him back” logan looked at his guy for a moment until his guy nodded and then he said “fine ren will take his given punishment on the terms that you only mark him in the general area you girl was marked so that means you have his whole left side okay” beau nodded logan then stood up but paused when I said “I hope you don’t think this is over before im done you’ll be begging for it”
An example of the way it should be writen:
I think beau could feel the rage just about to jump out of me, for he put his hand on my thigh and said “ I asked you here because you cut up my girl, and I would like to discuss the consequences of those actions.”
Logan stared at me and beau for a moment before he said “Hmm, well the way I see it is you can declare war, something we’ve been on the edge for ages, or you can let it go.”
Beau smiled. “That’s not what I was thinking. You see, I plan to take my revenge on your boy and, once I’m done with him, once I’ve marked him to my heart’s content, I will give him back.”
Logan looked at his guy for a moment until his guy nodded.
Then he said “Fine, Ren will take his given punishment on the terms that you only mark him in the general area you girl was marked. That means you have his whole left side, okay?”
Beau nodded. Logan then stood up but paused when I said “I hope you don’t think this is over. Before I’m done you’ll be begging for it.”
So, I hope you don't think I'm saying your work's bad, because I'm not. I'm just saying that you really need to break up your paragraphs.
I would suggest getting a beta. =]
5Orio KT-T
I really like this storyline...but if I didn't I'd flame you in a second for not understanding how to use periods and comma.
An example of your writing:
I think beau could feel the rage just about to jump out of me for he put his hand on my thigh and said “ I asked you here because you cut up my girl and I would like to discuss the consequences of those actions” logan stared at me and beau for a moment before he said “hmm well how I see it you can declare war something we’ve been on the edge for ages or you can let it go” beau smiled “that’s not what I was thinking you see I plan to take my revenge on your boy and once im done with him once iv marked him till my hearts content I will give him back” logan looked at his guy for a moment until his guy nodded and then he said “fine ren will take his given punishment on the terms that you only mark him in the general area you girl was marked so that means you have his whole left side okay” beau nodded logan then stood up but paused when I said “I hope you don’t think this is over before im done you’ll be begging for it”
An example of the way it should be writen:
I think beau could feel the rage just about to jump out of me, for he put his hand on my thigh and said “ I asked you here because you cut up my girl, and I would like to discuss the consequences of those actions.”
Logan stared at me and beau for a moment before he said “Hmm, well the way I see it is you can declare war, something we’ve been on the edge for ages, or you can let it go.”
Beau smiled. “That’s not what I was thinking. You see, I plan to take my revenge on your boy and, once I’m done with him, once I’ve marked him to my heart’s content, I will give him back.”
Logan looked at his guy for a moment until his guy nodded.
Then he said “Fine, Ren will take his given punishment on the terms that you only mark him in the general area you girl was marked. That means you have his whole left side, okay?”
Beau nodded. Logan then stood up but paused when I said “I hope you don’t think this is over. Before I’m done you’ll be begging for it.”
So, I hope you don't think I'm saying your work's bad, because I'm not. I'm just saying that you really need to break up your paragraphs.
I would suggest getting a beta. =]
6/7/2008 c2 1OnceUponADecember
*SCREAM* NOT A GOOD PLACE TO STOP BAD BAD BAD BAD PLACE TO STOP KEEP WRITING IM DIEING WITH ALL THE BAD AUTHORS WHO WAIT TWO YEARS B4 POSTING DONT DO THIS!
1OnceUponADecember*SCREAM* NOT A GOOD PLACE TO STOP BAD BAD BAD BAD PLACE TO STOP KEEP WRITING IM DIEING WITH ALL THE BAD AUTHORS WHO WAIT TWO YEARS B4 POSTING DONT DO THIS!
5/24/2008 c2 2Miranda Cougar
Wow! I loved it. I was hooked, the cliff hanger I'll admit wasn't very fair XD. Oh well, please continue this one! ^^ I look forward to the next chapter!
2Miranda CougarWow! I loved it. I was hooked, the cliff hanger I'll admit wasn't very fair XD. Oh well, please continue this one! ^^ I look forward to the next chapter!
2/3/2008 c1 3sadistikitty
Punctuation and capitalization are important aspects of the writing process. You need to work on separating your one sentence paragraphs into several. Take your first paragraph as an example:
When I first saw Beau, I thought he was hot. I was just at a party (which I later learned was held at his place), and I noticed this ripped guy who had a ‘fuck everyone’ look. I just melted; he has messy brown hair and hazel eyes that have gold flecks. The gaze he pierced me with was something I've never seen before, and from then I was hooked. He fit what I liked. His body was ripped, and the tattoo on his arm was just screaming 'Tozz, you have to get a piece of this'.
Instead of it being one sentence, it works better as six (or seven if you use a period instead of the semicolon in the third sentence) because individual thoughts are separated.
I can't offer much feedback on the content because I had a hard time getting past the grammar. You might consider looking for a beta to help you out with this.
Good luck.
3sadistikittyPunctuation and capitalization are important aspects of the writing process. You need to work on separating your one sentence paragraphs into several. Take your first paragraph as an example:
When I first saw Beau, I thought he was hot. I was just at a party (which I later learned was held at his place), and I noticed this ripped guy who had a ‘fuck everyone’ look. I just melted; he has messy brown hair and hazel eyes that have gold flecks. The gaze he pierced me with was something I've never seen before, and from then I was hooked. He fit what I liked. His body was ripped, and the tattoo on his arm was just screaming 'Tozz, you have to get a piece of this'.
Instead of it being one sentence, it works better as six (or seven if you use a period instead of the semicolon in the third sentence) because individual thoughts are separated.
I can't offer much feedback on the content because I had a hard time getting past the grammar. You might consider looking for a beta to help you out with this.
Good luck.