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for When two modern girls take their fathers legacy

2/24/2008 c1 1Eilinora
Your character is a self-insert and a Mary Sue. One quick glance at your profile shows she shares your fake name, your hair color, and your eye color (or at least the color you said it was). The beginning of the story is also written in first-person, which increases the chance that you're seeing yourself as the character.

Good authors don't ever start their stories off with a list of descriptions of their characters. These details should be introduced gradually through the story, if they're mentioned at all. Your character's appearance should not be the most important thing about them, and the time you spend describing it could be better used showing the readers what they're actually like. At the end of this chapter, I know that your character likes to wear jeans, but I don't know a thing about their personality.

Also, there are far too many different species in what are only a few characters. "Halfling", demon, elven, earth nymph, and siren? It seems like you're using a bunch of different races for no reason other than the fact that they sound cool to you.

Finally, you have a lot of spelling and grammar errors. There's even one in your title: "fathers" should be possessive, and therefore be written as "fathers'". You made many errors in the story as well, including misspelling your own character's name. Also, right in the beginning you wrote "half demon half even", which is an especially confusing mistake. I suggest you get a beta to take care of these problems.
2/10/2008 c1 3BreatheInSweetness
OMG! I love it! Continue please=) Love ya Jesi!

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