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for The Occasion

7/27/2010 c1 9Narq
This is really good. I liked the way you handled the silence - it was so quiet that I found myself being drawn in, waiting for something to happen.

It's kinda scary, the Occasion. I'm still left thinking, what? why? what's happened? what's going to happen? It's quite good, realy, though I'd definately like to know more and more!
2/19/2010 c1 6The Saturday Storytellers
Hmm. Nice scene-setting in the first paragraph!

In a few lines you've got me to care about this bloke who's sitting in the middle of it all. And that powder... what the hell? *reads on*

The air conditioning switching back off is an unusual, but effective, way of upping the tension. You've got some clever linguistics going on, here!

The sun goes down and he's still sitting there?

The woman's robes - left as undescribed as they are - don't quite seem to fit. The rest of the scene, the way you've described it all, has that slightly dusty, cold and plastic feel of the old school gym. But just to say the woman's wearing robes and to say nothing else throws it out just slightly. At the moment I'm envisioning a Medieval princess and that can't be right.

What? Eh? He got up and left but is still there?

Okay, that was weird, and I think you did that deliberately. Very strange, but well-done, for all that.

- Pay back via Academy.

- From the Roadhouse.
10/16/2008 c1 50risaisis
I'd love to know why you wrote this, and what inspired it!

It's really strong, and powerful; silence is always a great thing to use in stories, because it's so quiet, it's deafening, like you mentioned. Rofl :)

It remined me of ancienter times, and then I read "The deafening silence was interrupted by the sound of the air-conditioning switching on". Nice touch XD I didn't think there would be sun until the narrator mentioned it, so that sort of surprised me, as well - I wonder if the gymnasium is open to the sky (probably not), or if there are windows.

And the continious cycle of the story, like it's never-ending. It really makes you think - happiness lasts only so long, and then you're stuck in the dark again, waiting for that lingering moment of joy. Is it worth it? I wonder.

Anyways, great story! You have a great talent for writing, lolz. :D

-xx
9/29/2008 c1 13Jayne dArcy
This is fascinating! It was scary for me as I've often had nightmares of curtained off areas where I waited to know what was behind the curtains, but really didn't want to know. Excellent story.
8/22/2008 c1 1Tesla Shoui
I really liked this story. I'm not exactly sure why, seeing as there could be many meanings taken from it and I don't know which path you meant for it to go, but I liked it alot.
8/18/2008 c1 10Caecilia
This was good. I'd love to know why you wrote it and your story behind it. You give us just enough to think about it, but leave it really open for us to wonder what happened.

Really good writing. The imagery is great.

~Caecilia, down at the Roadhouse
7/24/2008 c1 27Ditzgirl123
I love how there could be thousands of explanations for everything in here, and yet we're just left to guess. great job, you're making us think!
2/17/2008 c1 Tytherpol
haha it seems so surreal. awesome.

i want to know why you wrote it.

the second stanza seems awkward and redundant. i think the piece would be more effective if you only repeated the Occasion at the end of the first and last stanzas. i also feel like you could have introduced the character as something more than "the young man." i don't mean going into sappy paragraphs about his looks or clothes etc, but maybe just a few words to hint to the reader more into what he represents or to add another layer into it.

stza 3 and 5-repetition of 'deafening'. i'm not sure why you would intentionally do this.

"Now all he could do was wait"-maybe take out 'now'?

"Then the sun went down leaving him in the dark gymnasium"-this might be more powerful if you included a slight reference to the windows of the gymnasium when you describe the building in the opening paragraphs.

hehe your flowing robes description reminds me of isadora duncan. :)

"She walked down"-she walked? lol how anticlimactic

"and, for the first time in years, he smiled." - yay!

"He stood up and walked with her"- i think 'walked' is definitely appropriate here.

i adore the cycle this creates. sort of a never ending story.

and really-that search for happiness really is never ending.

i love how carefully your words and syntax are chosen.

i could feel when reading the piece how much the author actually felt for it. which is neat.

it's really a neat story.

nice job. :) -ty.
2/16/2008 c1 deletethisaccountplease9
o, this was good. Im not exactly sure what it was about, but it was... powerful? does that sound corny? w/e it was good!
2/11/2008 c1 Jacob Maas
I liked how well you delivered the imagery in your story. The air conditioning is a nice touch. I'm not sure if "composition" is the right word to use when talking about literature, but I think your composition is excellent. I'm compelled to look for what's behind the story. It has that "inferred" element which makes literature make you think.

I'm wondering what exactly happened to this man. Did he kill his love in a car accident, on the way to prom? Perhaps the powder on his hands is from a deployed airbag. To him, the powder that stains his hands is as wicked as blood. Washing it away won't erase what happened; his love is gone by his hand. Now he sits crestfallen, at the grand march, long after everyone has left, waiting for the day when he and his love will reunite. Only then will the white powder marking his guilt be truly erased. Until death, all he can do is sit and wait, imagining what that day will be like.

That's my theory, at least. I'd like to know how you'd explain it.

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