
2/12/2008 c1
102Midnight In Eden
Overall I really like the overt simplicity of this piece because it works and it's interesting.
That in mind, I do have some suggestions.
1. Comma on the first line isn't really needed, the way I read that phrase is without one and I don't think it does much but jar an otherwise solid first line.
2. L6 - the "only" is superfluous.
3. Instead of another "and" on L8 why not put a period there and start the next part afresh as a new sentence?
4. L15 - no need for the comma.
Otherwise, again, I quite like this. Kudos.
Midnight

Overall I really like the overt simplicity of this piece because it works and it's interesting.
That in mind, I do have some suggestions.
1. Comma on the first line isn't really needed, the way I read that phrase is without one and I don't think it does much but jar an otherwise solid first line.
2. L6 - the "only" is superfluous.
3. Instead of another "and" on L8 why not put a period there and start the next part afresh as a new sentence?
4. L15 - no need for the comma.
Otherwise, again, I quite like this. Kudos.
Midnight