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for Chau

5/28/2008 c1 8Kar-zid
Awesome story! The ending was meaningful, as well as sly! I couldn't tell what was going to happen next, though I did foresee his wife dying.
5/20/2008 c1 11Ravensbleeding
Total awesomeness (yes, I just said awesomeness). Loved the ending. It was wicked! (Yes, I know I'm crazy)
3/18/2008 c1 ecwix
Review game. :P

-""The flames of the souls in this house kept, are threatened by the presence of a beast."

I don't really get this bit. It's given in an awkward way. Maybe that's what you wanted to give a feeling of, but perhaps you succeeded too well. I'm not sure what is trying to be said.

-"None came, all he achieved was a [mouthful]? of the fetid air."

-"Chau, his message concluded, headed toward the bedroom door[, and out into the hallway.]"

The last part of this sentence doesn't flow very well. It might be due partly to the comma, which, grammatically is unnecessary. Or maybe it's the fact that the verb "headed" which is understood from the previous bit doesn't fit as well with "out into the hallway."

-"His fear turned into concern for [waking] his wife, his breathing now louder than the mild snoring she emitted."

I don't know, but the way you describe his concern is sort of awkward. I would just mention that he considered waking his wife in a different sentence or something. *shrugs*

-"The stench hung in the air [still]."

Your adverb is rather far away from the verb it is modifying. Unless it's there for some purpose, I would just move it before "hung".

-"A light caught his eye, creeping under the bedroom door."

The way you have this written, it sounds like the eye is creeping under the door.

-"Carrie and himself were the only two living in the house, the home itself in the middle of vast expanses of agricultural property."

[He and] Carrie. "Himself" is more of an objective form.

-"He immediately remembered the dream, the morbid omen contained within."

Wait, didn't you just say that the memory of the dream was strong?

-"Daniel reluctantly obliged[,] before heading to the door."

Get rid of the comma?

-"The cold steel pressed [against?] the inside of his hand, still taunting him."

-"Something else caught his attention[;] a light from outside."

I'm not sure a semi-colon is the right thing to use there.

-"Daniel's hand left the gun and clumsily felt around for the light switch."

Wait, did he drop it or something?

-"Once [its] plastic lump had found his fingertip, he flicked it."

-"In the corner was a man, dressed in dark colors, [whose] attention had been caught by the snapping sound of the switch."

-"He showed no pain, only defeat; the red water bleeding through his chalky fingers."

Nice description. :) Very vivid.

-"Daniel's elbow now [panged] a little from the recoil[;] he put the gun down by his side and headed across the room to the kitchen, eager to call the police."

I don't think "pang" is the right word to use there, especially with "a little" after it. Secondly, I'm wondering why the heck he left the man there unsupervised. Thirdly, "put" makes it sound like he set the gun down, although I don't think he did. Lowered, perhaps?

-"His red robe now seemed so warm, sweating him."

I must admit, I've never heard of a robe referred to "sweating" a person. Very creative. o.O

-" He'd no sooner picked up the telephone receiver [when?] a loud crack cut into his head."

-"[The gun still in his hand, the crook] grabbed greedily at it, locking his digits around whatever he could."

The way you have it, one would think that the gun is in the crook's hand.

-"(The two) [neither?] refused to surrender the silver treasure, pushing and pulling their way onto the tiled kitchen floor."

-"Daniel knew he couldn't win[;]though the man was injured, he had size and muscle."

-"She must have come to investigate the noises, the gunshots calling her out of her safe [slumberland]."

Slumberland seems an awfully light word to use in such a serious context.

-""I'm the beast, aren't I?" [w]hispered Daniel, his arms shaking as his palms supported his weight."

-Alright. A few concluding thoughts. You never really reveal the meaning of the name "Chau". If it is suppose to be a reference to something, I missed it, and that seriously hurt the enjoyment of the story, especially since that's the title and whatnot.

Also, the "No, I am", although making for a great ending line, doesn't really resolve anything. I don't get what it is implying at all. Is the "Chau" actually there in front of him, about to kill him or something? Is he some sort of subconscious "Id" within Daniel? I think you should work to clarify whatever you are trying to communicate.

Next, you mention the character being determined to save the life of his bride. I don't really catch any action from him that seems to suggest this at all.

I must admit, horror is not really my genre. You do, however, do a good job creating a dark mood of suspense and uncertainty. Your words are for the most part well chosen, with fitting connotations and suggestions. Your sensory descriptions are quite vivid and creative. I'm impressed. If there's anything you can improve, it might be to give a few more sound details. To me, the story had the effect of a soundless-color film.

Even so, I don't feel like I know your main character much. At the end, you just sort of suddenly dump some information about him. They sort of caught me by surprise and hurt the effect of the ending. Maybe you should work a bit more on giving hints about your character earlier on.

Anyhow, great job. You create a good atmosphere, and that does amazing things for the story. :)
2/20/2008 c1 Thracian
You did a good job with the imagery in this...I could picture pretty much everything described. I'm not sure I expected that much description with the length of this. I liked the ending I thought it was going to be one of those cliche revelations of some sort but the last line really made the piece. The only thing I didn't like (because I was semi-confused with it)...I didn't understand how the wife was injured...it just seemed like it was out of nowhere unless that was the outcome of the bullet missing. Maybe somehow elaborate or tweak it a little so it's easier to understand...But other than that I actually don't read horror much (I don't have much of an imagination) but this was something that I'm glad I read. Loved the ending seriously.

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