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7/27/2010 c1 9Narq
To be honest, I like what you've done, all poetic and that, but I don't quite understand what's going on, like what you're trying to hint at.

The dusk calls to you but you do not go

The night taunts you but you stay your hand

- this is quite an effective opening piece but I would've liked it more if the yous weren't used as much "The dust calls but you do not go" and ditto for the night?

But again, I liked the use of You. It was very impersonal and quite effective.

Narq.
7/23/2010 c1 23AvidWriter-92
Hey. :)

I like the ambiguity of this... You never really say flat out what is happening. It could be realistic, it could all be a metaphor. (I'm guessing that it is.) You leave the interpretation up to the reader, which is always a wonderful thing to do. :D

I also like your writing style. It flows very well, and I think you do a great job of getting your point across, and not getting tangled up in the words. :)

First stanza:

I like how you've started this off; it's almost like the narrator is looking back on an event. :P

Edit: "The dusk calls to you[,] but you do not go[;]/ The night taunts you[,] but you [steady] your hand [with]/ Such precise control you've practiced for years[-]/ You know for yourself just how far to go[.]"

~I would change a few words around, to make it flow better, and add some punctuation, to break it up a bit. :)

Second Stanza:

I like how you use imagery in this stanza. It really sets the tone for the poem, I think. :) I also like how you never specify what the ocean really is. :P I like that. :)

Edit:"In the garden[,] where you lay[,]/ A massive ocean is opening up [and]/ Threatening to swallow you whole[,] with [the] trail of bleeding hearts/ That always grows behind you[.]"

~Same thing here. :P

Third Stanza:

Aww, this is quite sad. I like this stanza, because I think that the narrator is really becoming involved at this point, and the reader can begin to sympathize with her/him. :)

Edit: "I walk down a path of moonstone[,]/Searching for the one I once called friend[,]/Then enemy[,]/Then friend once again[.]But it seems that neither are here[,]And I am lost without either [of them.]"

~Ditto.

Fourth Stanza:

I like this stanza; it transitions very well, I think. It's also sort of unexpected, which I also like. :)

Edit: "The ocean is becoming angry now[,]/ [While] the purple Raven cries its last call[,]Before drowning with the dying sun[.]"

~Ditto, yet again. :P

Last Stanza:

I love this stanza! It's probably my favorite because of the powerful words that you've written. :D I really, really adore the line "Your constant hunger to survive won't save you on its own." :)

Edit: "I must find you[,] for you need me now[;]/Your constant hunger to survive/Won't save you on its own[.]/And as the black horn plays its final soli[,]/As the ocean renders up its dark head[,]You will know[that]/The hand that comes down is only your own[.]"

Wow. I really, really enjoyed ths poem. :D I love the metaphor of your past actions finally catching up with you as an ocean wave, and the sense of "you're loss, not mine," type of feel I get from the narrator. :)

Good job on this, and if you polished it up a bit, I think it'd be even more attention grabbing. :)

~Avid, via the Roadhouse. :)

Review is repaid. :D 1/1. :)
8/22/2008 c1 1Tesla Shoui
For some reason this made me feel weird. I don't know if it was a sad weird or just a weird, weird... Anyways, I like this one too. On to the next one!
7/17/2008 c1 20Sekine Hana
Really nice flow of words. Reading this aloud sounds really good.

I disagree with the comment on the repetition of 'you'. It felt nicely deliberate and created a certain effect. Kind of like accusation. The only problem with it was that that feeling stopped at the end of the quatrain and the next stanza was a totally different feel which made it a bit choppy.

Nonetheless it's a beautiful poem. Metaphors are used well and at the correct time. Well done :)
2/23/2008 c1 612simpleplan13
I like this piece a lot.. the ocean imagery is especially beautiful.. and I love how you explain both people's roles or situation or whatnot... that was really nice...

The one part that seemed off was the friend enemy thing.. I thought that was one person who had gone through those stages, but then you say neither are here... to me that implies multiple people or that they are still changing between the two and you never know which you're gonna get... and I didnt get that from what you said before.. I dunno maybe it's just me

Still a really beautiful piece

PS If you're bored today check out the review game's review marathon... there's a link in my profile
2/22/2008 c1 102Midnight In Eden
Interesting piece. Few thoughts off the top of my head:

1. You use an awful lot of "you"s in the first few lines. It's not bad but the repetition is a bit bland and getting rid of half of them wouldn't be hard i.e.

The dusk calls but you do not go

The night taunts but you stay your hand

Such precise control, practiced for years

Just an idea.

2. Structure? Stanzas would be a good idea for this piece. To get stanzas on here go to quick edit/preview after you upload the story. Backspace all the little breaks that FP makes then enter in carefully your own breaks. That should work, if it doesn't keep playing around in quick edit until it does. Fully punctuating this piece would be another idea because I'm not sure that your line length alone is creating an appropriate flow or rhythm to this piece.

3. Keep your tenses consistent. For example, L6 should be "A massive ocean opens up" instead of "opening up".

I like the imagery and most of the content. I just think that some of it could be condensed out (filler words, extra "you"s) and that some structure would help the aesthetic appeal of this piece.

Good luck,

Midnight
2/20/2008 c1 26Firetrap
God, I love poems about friends. This one had a nice writing style, and I loved the imagery and ending. "The hand that comes down is only your own"

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