for Jamie and the War7/29/2009 c2 
14D.M. Ralte
wow, that was unexpected haha. It's nice to see Jamie can react in an odd situation like that without panicking but moving with resolution and clearheadedness. I would just say don't worry about having to rush mini climaxes or times of conflict into the plot, especially because at this early stage, you can definitely afford to keep shaping the first few layers of your characters and presenting them to the reader.
but yes, not bad at all. I look forward to reading the next! :D
14D.M. Raltewow, that was unexpected haha. It's nice to see Jamie can react in an odd situation like that without panicking but moving with resolution and clearheadedness. I would just say don't worry about having to rush mini climaxes or times of conflict into the plot, especially because at this early stage, you can definitely afford to keep shaping the first few layers of your characters and presenting them to the reader.
but yes, not bad at all. I look forward to reading the next! :D
7/29/2009 c1 D.M. Ralte
Hello!
Finally got around to being able to review the first chap! I like the fact that there's a quick roundup of what Jamie's character will probably be like in the whole story, that of a somewhat stubborn but independent and free-spirited young woman. I also like how you ended it with a subtle summary of the situational conflict that is sure to develop later on.
Nice work, keep it up! On to the next! :D
Hello!
Finally got around to being able to review the first chap! I like the fact that there's a quick roundup of what Jamie's character will probably be like in the whole story, that of a somewhat stubborn but independent and free-spirited young woman. I also like how you ended it with a subtle summary of the situational conflict that is sure to develop later on.
Nice work, keep it up! On to the next! :D
7/25/2009 c2 1Phoenix Octavia Bright
I am still missing the flow in the chapter. I read it but I wasn´t excited by it, plus the chapter was over when it was just beginning at the attack seen.
Maybe a beta would help?
PB
1Phoenix Octavia BrightI am still missing the flow in the chapter. I read it but I wasn´t excited by it, plus the chapter was over when it was just beginning at the attack seen.
Maybe a beta would help?
PB
7/25/2009 c1 Phoenix Octavia Bright
For me, when the characters talk, it´s a bit hard for me to read it, I have to get used to it. Is this your own style of writing or do you write like the Scottisch speak?
I feel like I´m reading one of the books i often pick up at the library (meant as a compliment). I would have liked the beginning to have a bit more flow to it though.
PB
For me, when the characters talk, it´s a bit hard for me to read it, I have to get used to it. Is this your own style of writing or do you write like the Scottisch speak?
I feel like I´m reading one of the books i often pick up at the library (meant as a compliment). I would have liked the beginning to have a bit more flow to it though.
PB
6/26/2009 c2 12Mr. Aek
“I bet you can na catch me, Fletcher.”
add a ! instead of a period
“Your ridin’ is na as good as your cookin’,”
here too.
Jamie pulled out her bow and notched an arrow into place. Fletcher paled slightly, thinking that the arrow was meant for him.
bow! no one told me she had a bow with her, and that she could shoot it.. see some description in the first chapter about her would have been nice - what she looked like and what she was wearing, Fletcher too..
“There. All done.” Jamie said contently as she laid the bloody dagger aside. Her little ruse had successfully distracted Fletcher as she pulled the dagger from his side and now the worst was over.
- i think you missed the part when you told us that she was taking the blade out...
m i still think you need to describe the surroundings more...
12Mr. Aek“I bet you can na catch me, Fletcher.”
add a ! instead of a period
“Your ridin’ is na as good as your cookin’,”
here too.
Jamie pulled out her bow and notched an arrow into place. Fletcher paled slightly, thinking that the arrow was meant for him.
bow! no one told me she had a bow with her, and that she could shoot it.. see some description in the first chapter about her would have been nice - what she looked like and what she was wearing, Fletcher too..
“There. All done.” Jamie said contently as she laid the bloody dagger aside. Her little ruse had successfully distracted Fletcher as she pulled the dagger from his side and now the worst was over.
- i think you missed the part when you told us that she was taking the blade out...
m i still think you need to describe the surroundings more...
6/26/2009 c1 Mr. Aek
not bad, though - I think you need to get a bit more description of Fletcher and Jamie in the first few paragraphs about them, I kinda want to know more about them other than Fletcher’s height and status and that Jamie is a girl.
mm other than na - Jamie talks quite fluently.. Maybe add in a few more influences if you’re trying to get across an accent. - Otherwise she still sounds too proper to be a 'villager'
Fletcher chuckled and stepped aside. “I am glad you agree. I would hate to have ##to## inform your father that you disobeyed his orders…again.”
Jamie seethed quietly and vowed to lose him as soon as they were out of the keep.
“Are you not forgettin’ something, Fletcher?” Jamie asked as they exited the stables. “Like a horse perhaps?”
“Nay. My horse is saddled and ready by the gate.” Fletcher replied with a devilish grin. “I had a feelin’ that you would want someone ##ta## accompany you on your ride and had him readied when I saw you comin’ back with Miss Laura.”
and if you are going to add in influences to resemble an accent, make sure to keep them constant and not switch them around.
“I understand. But I think I need to say that just because you are fatter-”
“and stronger”
“-and-"
“more attractive”
“-older than I am, does na mean that I must listen to every thing you say.”
-confusing on who was talking here.
I'm seeing a lot of good detail on attitudes, but I'm totally missing any description of the surroundings. what they look like? The horses? The stall? The house? What does the road they are traveling look like? What is it? a dirt road? Just wondering though trees? Grassland? I don’t know...
not bad, though - I think you need to get a bit more description of Fletcher and Jamie in the first few paragraphs about them, I kinda want to know more about them other than Fletcher’s height and status and that Jamie is a girl.
mm other than na - Jamie talks quite fluently.. Maybe add in a few more influences if you’re trying to get across an accent. - Otherwise she still sounds too proper to be a 'villager'
Fletcher chuckled and stepped aside. “I am glad you agree. I would hate to have ##to## inform your father that you disobeyed his orders…again.”
Jamie seethed quietly and vowed to lose him as soon as they were out of the keep.
“Are you not forgettin’ something, Fletcher?” Jamie asked as they exited the stables. “Like a horse perhaps?”
“Nay. My horse is saddled and ready by the gate.” Fletcher replied with a devilish grin. “I had a feelin’ that you would want someone ##ta## accompany you on your ride and had him readied when I saw you comin’ back with Miss Laura.”
and if you are going to add in influences to resemble an accent, make sure to keep them constant and not switch them around.
“I understand. But I think I need to say that just because you are fatter-”
“and stronger”
“-and-"
“more attractive”
“-older than I am, does na mean that I must listen to every thing you say.”
-confusing on who was talking here.
I'm seeing a lot of good detail on attitudes, but I'm totally missing any description of the surroundings. what they look like? The horses? The stall? The house? What does the road they are traveling look like? What is it? a dirt road? Just wondering though trees? Grassland? I don’t know...
4/12/2009 c1 Disabled Account sdf
Please write more! This was a interesting start, introducing two well fleshed-out protagonists. The female was fascinating in particular.
Please write more! This was a interesting start, introducing two well fleshed-out protagonists. The female was fascinating in particular.
4/6/2009 c1 Lana Sky
*Ahem* So where are the other chappies?...
They aren't here... *looks around*
Anyway
Very unique setting. I tend to love stories where a considerable amount of research is evident, yet it blends seamlessly into a story. Good job on that.
There are some inconsistancies with the dialouge, but frankly, I don't care. Dialect is a pain~in~the~bottom to do. I've tried it once, and I've almost wanted to pull my hair out. I love that you've taken that extra step to bring authenticity to your piece. It really helps to take it that extra step. I only find it strange that Aunt Laura has such a strong accent, while Jamie has almost virtually none. Is that because of a difference in station or education? I wasn't quite clear which.
The one thing I want to caution you on, though is that the POV somtimes jerkily switches from person to person. Try to stick to one person per chapter.
Overall, a very nice begining.
I do notice that this story hasn't been updated in some time. Will it be?
:D~nicola
*Ahem* So where are the other chappies?...
They aren't here... *looks around*
Anyway
Very unique setting. I tend to love stories where a considerable amount of research is evident, yet it blends seamlessly into a story. Good job on that.
There are some inconsistancies with the dialouge, but frankly, I don't care. Dialect is a pain~in~the~bottom to do. I've tried it once, and I've almost wanted to pull my hair out. I love that you've taken that extra step to bring authenticity to your piece. It really helps to take it that extra step. I only find it strange that Aunt Laura has such a strong accent, while Jamie has almost virtually none. Is that because of a difference in station or education? I wasn't quite clear which.
The one thing I want to caution you on, though is that the POV somtimes jerkily switches from person to person. Try to stick to one person per chapter.
Overall, a very nice begining.
I do notice that this story hasn't been updated in some time. Will it be?
:D~nicola
8/27/2008 c1 80VELVETxKISSES
thanks again for the review! And i haven't read this story yet, but i plan on it! i just have a limited amount of time on the internet, so i like to copy and paste stories i like to read so that i can read them on my own time, at my own pace. if that makes sense. XD anywhoo, just wanted to let you know, it was me that hit all three chapters today. :smiles:
Much love,
Avey
80VELVETxKISSESthanks again for the review! And i haven't read this story yet, but i plan on it! i just have a limited amount of time on the internet, so i like to copy and paste stories i like to read so that i can read them on my own time, at my own pace. if that makes sense. XD anywhoo, just wanted to let you know, it was me that hit all three chapters today. :smiles:
Much love,
Avey
6/22/2008 c3 2Selarose
Whoa. Chapters two and three are greatly improved! :)
I think you could've been a bit more descriptive in chapter two when the two men suddenly appeared, but eh. You've gotten a lot better. Only one thing I noticed was in chap two when Jamie and Fletcher were talking about her dress...the paragraph of speech by Fletcher was a run-on. XD
Anyway, good job. I retract my comment about this reading for children. XD At least, for these two chapters. :P
2SelaroseWhoa. Chapters two and three are greatly improved! :)
I think you could've been a bit more descriptive in chapter two when the two men suddenly appeared, but eh. You've gotten a lot better. Only one thing I noticed was in chap two when Jamie and Fletcher were talking about her dress...the paragraph of speech by Fletcher was a run-on. XD
Anyway, good job. I retract my comment about this reading for children. XD At least, for these two chapters. :P
6/22/2008 c1 Selarose
Aunt Laura's...er, speeches...seem inconsistent. She doesn't speak with contractions–"Do not pretend that you do not know..."– yet uses words like "na" and "ta".
"“Where are you goin’?” Fletcher asked[,] already knowing full well where Jamie planned to go.”"
–– There should be a comma.
"“Are you so sure about that? Last I remember, your wonderful father Laird MacKendrick ordered that you not go outside tha keep without an escort after sunset...”"
–– Was "tha" intentional?
"Sure, she thought, sweet as [a] bundle of prickly nettles."
–– "A" was needed.
"“Fine. I you may escort me.”"
–– Minus the "I".
""...your father’s land is close to them because his land boarders the north channel...""
–– "Boarders" should be "borders."
Okay, as I mentioned earlier, the dialogue is weird. They all speak without contractions such as "I'd", "don't", etc., yet use dialect like "na" and drop off some letters like "forgettin'"...yet not always or even often. I just think that if they really had accents and such it'd pop out more. And nobody really uses un-contracted words in normal speech.
The scene towards the end where they are interrupting each other needs more punctuation.
Well, this was...a tad boring. It reads more for children than for teens, as the rating implies. Jamie, or whatever her name is (XD), doesn't seem to be "seventeen summers" old. Rather, she seems a pre-teen/13 at most.
Wow, I'm sorry if this sounds harsh. That was not my intention. I'm merely letting you know my opinion...which probably counts for nothing. XD
Aunt Laura's...er, speeches...seem inconsistent. She doesn't speak with contractions–"Do not pretend that you do not know..."– yet uses words like "na" and "ta".
"“Where are you goin’?” Fletcher asked[,] already knowing full well where Jamie planned to go.”"
–– There should be a comma.
"“Are you so sure about that? Last I remember, your wonderful father Laird MacKendrick ordered that you not go outside tha keep without an escort after sunset...”"
–– Was "tha" intentional?
"Sure, she thought, sweet as [a] bundle of prickly nettles."
–– "A" was needed.
"“Fine. I you may escort me.”"
–– Minus the "I".
""...your father’s land is close to them because his land boarders the north channel...""
–– "Boarders" should be "borders."
Okay, as I mentioned earlier, the dialogue is weird. They all speak without contractions such as "I'd", "don't", etc., yet use dialect like "na" and drop off some letters like "forgettin'"...yet not always or even often. I just think that if they really had accents and such it'd pop out more. And nobody really uses un-contracted words in normal speech.
The scene towards the end where they are interrupting each other needs more punctuation.
Well, this was...a tad boring. It reads more for children than for teens, as the rating implies. Jamie, or whatever her name is (XD), doesn't seem to be "seventeen summers" old. Rather, she seems a pre-teen/13 at most.
Wow, I'm sorry if this sounds harsh. That was not my intention. I'm merely letting you know my opinion...which probably counts for nothing. XD