for Vera3/3/2008 c1 
5Ms. Poe
Interesting story, beautiful descriptions. Can't wait to see what happens next.
Happy Writing :)
~Olivia
5Ms. PoeInteresting story, beautiful descriptions. Can't wait to see what happens next.
Happy Writing :)
~Olivia
2/20/2008 c2 Wendy Thompson135th
I appreciate the added details. Your spelling and punctuation are pretty good. Your sentences get over long and confused -like this one: 'The group was clad in colors of the night; nearly all extraordinarily handsome; and lavished with pallid features, as if they were creatures of not only the night but of ice, with frost turning their words cold and their lips tinted an unnatural blue.' -where a verb of some kind in 'nearly all extraordinarily handsome' is needed. I would start a new sentence like this: "Nearly all of them were extraordinarily handsome." '..lavished with pallid features...' Do they have a greater number of features than normal? The meanings of 'lavish' include 'prodigal' and 'extravagence'.
This is also a really long sentence:
'The grass was cut to perfection; the front yard consisted of two acres with a curved U-shaped driveway, and a magnificent fountain sat right in the middle, drawing eyes immediately, with its tulips, irises, and anemones bursting forth from the hint of spring.' -and it's confused. The first subject is the grass, then it's the front yard,the fountain and finally the flowers. Try something like this: The grounds were magnificent. In the center of the U-shaped driveway, was a fountain surrounded by tulips, irises and anemones.
-did they walk here? Drive? How did they get to Andrew's house? In any case, they need to move from the driveway to the front door. Try something like this, in a new paragraph to go with the change of subject: They left the car by the fountain and walked up to the front door, which a butler opened at Andrew's knock.(or ring or what ever.)
'A butler clad in a two-piece suit...' Suits normally come with pants and coat. Sometimes they include a vest, and then they are called three piece suits. Two piece suit is the default. How formal is this place? Old time formal? Modern formal? If it's old time formal, in the evening, the butler wears tails, a white shirt, a black bowtie and a black waistcoat. Modern formal is a dark suit, with or without a black waistcoat, a white shirt, and a long black tie.
By the way, if this is a fanfic, what is the original?
I appreciate the added details. Your spelling and punctuation are pretty good. Your sentences get over long and confused -like this one: 'The group was clad in colors of the night; nearly all extraordinarily handsome; and lavished with pallid features, as if they were creatures of not only the night but of ice, with frost turning their words cold and their lips tinted an unnatural blue.' -where a verb of some kind in 'nearly all extraordinarily handsome' is needed. I would start a new sentence like this: "Nearly all of them were extraordinarily handsome." '..lavished with pallid features...' Do they have a greater number of features than normal? The meanings of 'lavish' include 'prodigal' and 'extravagence'.
This is also a really long sentence:
'The grass was cut to perfection; the front yard consisted of two acres with a curved U-shaped driveway, and a magnificent fountain sat right in the middle, drawing eyes immediately, with its tulips, irises, and anemones bursting forth from the hint of spring.' -and it's confused. The first subject is the grass, then it's the front yard,the fountain and finally the flowers. Try something like this: The grounds were magnificent. In the center of the U-shaped driveway, was a fountain surrounded by tulips, irises and anemones.
-did they walk here? Drive? How did they get to Andrew's house? In any case, they need to move from the driveway to the front door. Try something like this, in a new paragraph to go with the change of subject: They left the car by the fountain and walked up to the front door, which a butler opened at Andrew's knock.(or ring or what ever.)
'A butler clad in a two-piece suit...' Suits normally come with pants and coat. Sometimes they include a vest, and then they are called three piece suits. Two piece suit is the default. How formal is this place? Old time formal? Modern formal? If it's old time formal, in the evening, the butler wears tails, a white shirt, a black bowtie and a black waistcoat. Modern formal is a dark suit, with or without a black waistcoat, a white shirt, and a long black tie.
By the way, if this is a fanfic, what is the original?
2/19/2008 c1 Wendy Thompson135th
The work seems to suffer from indifferent proofreading.
Some of the words you use don't seem to fit the sentence very well. I can't tell if you meant them seriously or if your spell checker is being overly helpful:
'...but instead, transgressed into a full-blown sprint.' Transgressed is defined as to go over or beyond, to act in violation (of the law, for example.) '...opposite hand breached her mouth...' Breached means a violation of the law, a gap, and the breaking of waves or surf. As a verb, it means to break open. '...the color of her flustered face on...' A flustered face is no particular color. A flushed face is red.
On the other hand, some things are just weird: 'It was of her most rare luck that no...' '...befuddled lines etched in her forehead.'
(Why are the lines befuddled? Isn't the woman the one confused?)'Grass splayed everywhere- on the overturned couch...' '...in consequence, a full pause spoke before he actually opened his lips.' (pauses don't speak. Try -an uneasy silence was finally broken by Andrew?)
And others are just flat out ungrammatical: “We should have never came here,” Jevane said.
As to the story itself, I find that the way characters pop up abruptly, like actors running across a bare stage, unsatisfying. The POV seems to shift constantly. There is a general absence of attention to details -we discover Christoff was speaking French only when Andrew speaks English. We have no idea who is with Jevane beyond their names. We certainly don't know why they're with him.
A trivial matter-12 people need more seating than two sofas and three chairs. (Although it's nice that the chairs are so relaxed.)
The work seems to suffer from indifferent proofreading.
Some of the words you use don't seem to fit the sentence very well. I can't tell if you meant them seriously or if your spell checker is being overly helpful:
'...but instead, transgressed into a full-blown sprint.' Transgressed is defined as to go over or beyond, to act in violation (of the law, for example.) '...opposite hand breached her mouth...' Breached means a violation of the law, a gap, and the breaking of waves or surf. As a verb, it means to break open. '...the color of her flustered face on...' A flustered face is no particular color. A flushed face is red.
On the other hand, some things are just weird: 'It was of her most rare luck that no...' '...befuddled lines etched in her forehead.'
(Why are the lines befuddled? Isn't the woman the one confused?)'Grass splayed everywhere- on the overturned couch...' '...in consequence, a full pause spoke before he actually opened his lips.' (pauses don't speak. Try -an uneasy silence was finally broken by Andrew?)
And others are just flat out ungrammatical: “We should have never came here,” Jevane said.
As to the story itself, I find that the way characters pop up abruptly, like actors running across a bare stage, unsatisfying. The POV seems to shift constantly. There is a general absence of attention to details -we discover Christoff was speaking French only when Andrew speaks English. We have no idea who is with Jevane beyond their names. We certainly don't know why they're with him.
A trivial matter-12 people need more seating than two sofas and three chairs. (Although it's nice that the chairs are so relaxed.)