for Kudzu Hill6/9/2008 c1 
4B. J. Winters
This was humorous and light. I enjoyed it. I did however wonder if there was a broader moral that you wished to share. In the end the sibling rivalry was cute, the description of the mother's perspective charming, but as a one shot I was left to wonder if I missed something. You caught my attention, but perhaps not in the manner you intended.
There were a couple of places where you repeated words, and I think a bit more vocabulary would suit. Here it's "herself" and "way." You could easily reword for better flow
She had pulled her light brown hair into a pony tail by herself that morning and dressed herself in jean shorts and a dark purple tank top. Coky looked up from the house she was building and stared at her brother.
“No way”
“Yes way. Mom showed me on our way back from the dentist."
Your use of dialogue is excellent, but I found myself feeling very rushed because of it. More description of the scene might give the reader something to sink their teeth into. I found myself skimming in the middle. I loved the characters as you described them - perhaps just a bit more about the world around them to help me breathe.
Nice work. I shall definitely check out more of your stuff.
4B. J. WintersThis was humorous and light. I enjoyed it. I did however wonder if there was a broader moral that you wished to share. In the end the sibling rivalry was cute, the description of the mother's perspective charming, but as a one shot I was left to wonder if I missed something. You caught my attention, but perhaps not in the manner you intended.
There were a couple of places where you repeated words, and I think a bit more vocabulary would suit. Here it's "herself" and "way." You could easily reword for better flow
She had pulled her light brown hair into a pony tail by herself that morning and dressed herself in jean shorts and a dark purple tank top. Coky looked up from the house she was building and stared at her brother.
“No way”
“Yes way. Mom showed me on our way back from the dentist."
Your use of dialogue is excellent, but I found myself feeling very rushed because of it. More description of the scene might give the reader something to sink their teeth into. I found myself skimming in the middle. I loved the characters as you described them - perhaps just a bit more about the world around them to help me breathe.
Nice work. I shall definitely check out more of your stuff.
5/23/2008 c1 102Michael Gettings
Stories like this make me want to read more than I have time for. Excellent. There was one tiny grammar problem near the top where you left a period out, but outside of that, nothing popped out as being out of place.
It was simply charming. And sad. Sarming? Much enjoyed.
102Michael GettingsStories like this make me want to read more than I have time for. Excellent. There was one tiny grammar problem near the top where you left a period out, but outside of that, nothing popped out as being out of place.
It was simply charming. And sad. Sarming? Much enjoyed.
5/21/2008 c1 19Kyllorac
Firstly, I adore your descriptions, especially how you compare Zeke's hair-color to the color of Easy Mac cheese sauce and how Grandfather's ghost "spreading apart like the clouds". Also, rather than focusing solely on physical appearances, you managed to hint at the character's personalities as well. Very nicely done.
Those little anecdotes of Wendy's are very intriguing, and the one about God disliking McDonalds (and the children's subsequent hating of God) was extremely amusing. These anecdotes also make it seem like seeing a unicorn is not such a ridiculous an occurrence in the world the children live in, and it makes Zeke's realization that much more saddening.
At first, I was going to suggest that you make Zeke a little bit older, but now that I think about it, seven is a good age for him. Assuming he attends school, at his age, children begin to realize that their parents are neither infallible nor invincible, so I applaud you for such a good choice of age.
Overall, this story was very well-written, and the matter-of-fact tone you wrote it in adds to the emotional impact of Zeke's realization and loss of innocence. Lovely story in a very bittersweet way.
19KylloracFirstly, I adore your descriptions, especially how you compare Zeke's hair-color to the color of Easy Mac cheese sauce and how Grandfather's ghost "spreading apart like the clouds". Also, rather than focusing solely on physical appearances, you managed to hint at the character's personalities as well. Very nicely done.
Those little anecdotes of Wendy's are very intriguing, and the one about God disliking McDonalds (and the children's subsequent hating of God) was extremely amusing. These anecdotes also make it seem like seeing a unicorn is not such a ridiculous an occurrence in the world the children live in, and it makes Zeke's realization that much more saddening.
At first, I was going to suggest that you make Zeke a little bit older, but now that I think about it, seven is a good age for him. Assuming he attends school, at his age, children begin to realize that their parents are neither infallible nor invincible, so I applaud you for such a good choice of age.
Overall, this story was very well-written, and the matter-of-fact tone you wrote it in adds to the emotional impact of Zeke's realization and loss of innocence. Lovely story in a very bittersweet way.
3/7/2008 c1 20Twilight Starr
Great story. It was amusing, but sad because of the mother's problem. I'm assuming she's a schizophrenic. I actually know schizophrenics. It's a sad disease. Original story. Nice work.
~Twilight Starr~
20Twilight StarrGreat story. It was amusing, but sad because of the mother's problem. I'm assuming she's a schizophrenic. I actually know schizophrenics. It's a sad disease. Original story. Nice work.
~Twilight Starr~
2/27/2008 c1 7Translucently Opaque
Once again, fantastic. Very bittersweet. I can see where you made some minor modifications and, of course, it is now not split into multiple chapters. But overall it is the same outstanding story it was in the first place. I still love the part where Zeke puts his hand over Coky’s mouth and she licks it! It’s just so realistic and exactly what a little sister would do!
So, on a completely different point, are you planning on writing out second installment of to Life from Ashes? It’s kind of been awhile. Or have you decided not to continue that particular story?
On one last, also completely different point, I’m going to try to get the next chapter of the Lone Islands up before the week is out. I think it’s been months since the last one… Wow. I am slow.
7Translucently OpaqueOnce again, fantastic. Very bittersweet. I can see where you made some minor modifications and, of course, it is now not split into multiple chapters. But overall it is the same outstanding story it was in the first place. I still love the part where Zeke puts his hand over Coky’s mouth and she licks it! It’s just so realistic and exactly what a little sister would do!
So, on a completely different point, are you planning on writing out second installment of to Life from Ashes? It’s kind of been awhile. Or have you decided not to continue that particular story?
On one last, also completely different point, I’m going to try to get the next chapter of the Lone Islands up before the week is out. I think it’s been months since the last one… Wow. I am slow.