for Always something5/31/2009 c1 
1Crimson Dizzy
I really liked this overall.
I liked it because I felt that the thoughts going through the girl's head were relatable to pretty much anyone who has been bullied. The conflict in her thoughts and memories was beautifully done. I also though the ending was beautiful, and convayed a lovely message. It made me feel all warm and fuzzy :P The last line was perfect.
There actually wasn't much that I didn't like here. Just remember to capitalize your I's and double check your spelling/grammar, although I couldn't find any huge mistakes.
Nice one.
1Crimson DizzyI really liked this overall.
I liked it because I felt that the thoughts going through the girl's head were relatable to pretty much anyone who has been bullied. The conflict in her thoughts and memories was beautifully done. I also though the ending was beautiful, and convayed a lovely message. It made me feel all warm and fuzzy :P The last line was perfect.
There actually wasn't much that I didn't like here. Just remember to capitalize your I's and double check your spelling/grammar, although I couldn't find any huge mistakes.
Nice one.
5/23/2009 c1 Aqua-eagle Sunshine
I liked the idea of because it's very relateble and something alot of people have been through, on different levels. The way she seems to be remembering things is really good, and how she repsonds to them.
I liked the idea of because it's very relateble and something alot of people have been through, on different levels. The way she seems to be remembering things is really good, and how she repsonds to them.
5/3/2009 c1 5Midori Ushi Law
Wow, I think I'm jealous... Not only are u a professional artist, but your writing is very professional and emotionally compelling.
Your spelling was perfect and your Grammar was great too. There was just one small thing I caught that could either be a part of your story or a grammatical error that you could easily erase. (I thought my actions would (would) help the situation.) Was that supposed to be there? or was it a simple mistake? I'm not sure, but everything else was so perfectly written in your story format-wise that I really didn't understand that a mistake like that could be overlooked (especially with 25 ppl reviewing this epic One Shot story.
When looking at your Format and writing Technique, I must say that it was a pretty original type of style you wrote in. I like how you made the last "SHUT UP!" normal rather than italicized. You made sure that it meant that she yelled that last "Shut Up" aloud. That was pretty neat when I caught that.
Enough with formats and grammar, let's get to the meat of this story... Let's hit the actual content.
This could easily be seen as an event that happened to you in real life. It could also just be the scene of something that you thought would be helpful to ppl who feel a way similar to your protagonist. Either way, it seems like a typical high school girl who is depressed. No big deal huh? WRONG. You hit home your character very well. You portrayed her emotions so well, that I actually sat on the edge of my seat reading it and felt sorry for her. Even if this story was longer, I feel like I wouldn't have lost interest. I loved the way you placed the puppy in there as a lesson for her to learn from. I love the fact that your title wrapped around your story like a comforting blanket. (At first I thought the title was like an old man gripe, "There's Always something bringin me down" lol. I love this idea that you put on There always being something.
The ending is assuring and relieving. It left me wishing that this was not a COMPLETE story, but just the first chapter of an epic teenage drama. It also left me with a What if question. "What if the puppy wasn't there? What would she have done?" No real complaints with your story at all. I loved it, Ms. Artist. ^^ GOOD READ
5Midori Ushi LawWow, I think I'm jealous... Not only are u a professional artist, but your writing is very professional and emotionally compelling.
Your spelling was perfect and your Grammar was great too. There was just one small thing I caught that could either be a part of your story or a grammatical error that you could easily erase. (I thought my actions would (would) help the situation.) Was that supposed to be there? or was it a simple mistake? I'm not sure, but everything else was so perfectly written in your story format-wise that I really didn't understand that a mistake like that could be overlooked (especially with 25 ppl reviewing this epic One Shot story.
When looking at your Format and writing Technique, I must say that it was a pretty original type of style you wrote in. I like how you made the last "SHUT UP!" normal rather than italicized. You made sure that it meant that she yelled that last "Shut Up" aloud. That was pretty neat when I caught that.
Enough with formats and grammar, let's get to the meat of this story... Let's hit the actual content.
This could easily be seen as an event that happened to you in real life. It could also just be the scene of something that you thought would be helpful to ppl who feel a way similar to your protagonist. Either way, it seems like a typical high school girl who is depressed. No big deal huh? WRONG. You hit home your character very well. You portrayed her emotions so well, that I actually sat on the edge of my seat reading it and felt sorry for her. Even if this story was longer, I feel like I wouldn't have lost interest. I loved the way you placed the puppy in there as a lesson for her to learn from. I love the fact that your title wrapped around your story like a comforting blanket. (At first I thought the title was like an old man gripe, "There's Always something bringin me down" lol. I love this idea that you put on There always being something.
The ending is assuring and relieving. It left me wishing that this was not a COMPLETE story, but just the first chapter of an epic teenage drama. It also left me with a What if question. "What if the puppy wasn't there? What would she have done?" No real complaints with your story at all. I loved it, Ms. Artist. ^^ GOOD READ
4/15/2009 c1 Left FP
- Opening: I liked how you began the story/one-shot. The way you introduce the main character, and let us take a glimpse into her world...that really works in this piece.
- Ending: The ending made me go "aw" 'cause I am a big dog lover myself, and could totally relate to the feelings going through the girl's mind. Loved the message you conveyed -"there's always something to live for".
- Scene: My favorite scene no doubt was the one where the girl holds the dog close in her arms. Nearly brought tears to my eyes.
- Dialog: There wasn't much dialog in the story. But the way you connect them to the thoughts running through the girl's mind makes it beautiful.
- Characters: The girl, her bitchy schoolmates and the puppy...I liked how you craved out the niche for the girl. Telling was how badly she wanted to survive, yet how much was getting bullied in order to get where she wanted to be. I loved the part the puppy played - that of a healer.
- Relationships: Once again, the glimpse I got of the protagonist and the pup, made me go 'aw' and tear up a little. I am little emotional by nature. And the little one-shot kind of reflects the life I led back in the 9th grade. Sure, I had friends...but my dog used to be my best friend. It made me a little sad, since I remembered her.
- Writing: I liked the voice you used for the piece. A very creative form of first person narrative. It goes well in this piece.
- Spelling/Grammar: All your 'i's in the piece need to be capitalized or else it becomes a grammar error. No spelling mistakes detected on the other hand.
- Enjoyment: I loved the piece mostly because this is a very relatable piece. This situations come in real life, but no one ever bothers to write about them.
- Plot: A refreshing take on an old cliche - how to become a happy person from being the school loser. Usually stories end with the loser putting everyone in their places. But your piece stands out since it ends precisely at the point one would have expected the expected.
*reads above sentence* Did that make much sense?
- Pace: Good pacing...it went right with the flow. Nothing seemed too rushed or too slow.
- Techniques: I have no advice to offer regarding this. To my eye, the piece was really good.
- Other: On personal note, I am so sorry it took me so long to review. And then when I read the piece I remembered my doggie and broke into tears. Thank you so much for drawing Sarah for me. Check out the story The Witches' Den, where you shall find her as the protagonist...if you are interested to know about the girl you drew.
You have some really nice stories. I shall try to review at least one more tonight.
Once again, very sorry about the late reviews - but college, internal assessments, papers and plot bunnies have been keeping my nose rubbed to the grindstone. Thanks once again.
P.S. - Let me know if you liked the review.
- Opening: I liked how you began the story/one-shot. The way you introduce the main character, and let us take a glimpse into her world...that really works in this piece.
- Ending: The ending made me go "aw" 'cause I am a big dog lover myself, and could totally relate to the feelings going through the girl's mind. Loved the message you conveyed -"there's always something to live for".
- Scene: My favorite scene no doubt was the one where the girl holds the dog close in her arms. Nearly brought tears to my eyes.
- Dialog: There wasn't much dialog in the story. But the way you connect them to the thoughts running through the girl's mind makes it beautiful.
- Characters: The girl, her bitchy schoolmates and the puppy...I liked how you craved out the niche for the girl. Telling was how badly she wanted to survive, yet how much was getting bullied in order to get where she wanted to be. I loved the part the puppy played - that of a healer.
- Relationships: Once again, the glimpse I got of the protagonist and the pup, made me go 'aw' and tear up a little. I am little emotional by nature. And the little one-shot kind of reflects the life I led back in the 9th grade. Sure, I had friends...but my dog used to be my best friend. It made me a little sad, since I remembered her.
- Writing: I liked the voice you used for the piece. A very creative form of first person narrative. It goes well in this piece.
- Spelling/Grammar: All your 'i's in the piece need to be capitalized or else it becomes a grammar error. No spelling mistakes detected on the other hand.
- Enjoyment: I loved the piece mostly because this is a very relatable piece. This situations come in real life, but no one ever bothers to write about them.
- Plot: A refreshing take on an old cliche - how to become a happy person from being the school loser. Usually stories end with the loser putting everyone in their places. But your piece stands out since it ends precisely at the point one would have expected the expected.
*reads above sentence* Did that make much sense?
- Pace: Good pacing...it went right with the flow. Nothing seemed too rushed or too slow.
- Techniques: I have no advice to offer regarding this. To my eye, the piece was really good.
- Other: On personal note, I am so sorry it took me so long to review. And then when I read the piece I remembered my doggie and broke into tears. Thank you so much for drawing Sarah for me. Check out the story The Witches' Den, where you shall find her as the protagonist...if you are interested to know about the girl you drew.
You have some really nice stories. I shall try to review at least one more tonight.
Once again, very sorry about the late reviews - but college, internal assessments, papers and plot bunnies have been keeping my nose rubbed to the grindstone. Thanks once again.
P.S. - Let me know if you liked the review.
12/20/2008 c1 Sheepie
I liked this story. There was a lot of emotions for it even though it was so short. You got to feel what the character felt. My only problem is it was a bit hard to actually imagine where the character was. A little description would have been nice and it would have really added to the motion. Maybe next time describe the color of the sky; is it a steely gray, a watery blue, or a mix of them both? Is it night? Day? What are the character's surroundings like?
Other then that it was nice! :D One review down!
I liked this story. There was a lot of emotions for it even though it was so short. You got to feel what the character felt. My only problem is it was a bit hard to actually imagine where the character was. A little description would have been nice and it would have really added to the motion. Maybe next time describe the color of the sky; is it a steely gray, a watery blue, or a mix of them both? Is it night? Day? What are the character's surroundings like?
Other then that it was nice! :D One review down!
12/9/2008 c1 Sophronia Lee
Review #4
Style- Sad, but very well written piece. Great job on sensory detail; very vivid! I can totally relate to the narrator. I like how you alternated the dialogue with the thoughts.
Plot- One reason I like this so well is because of how realistic it is. While the concept of bullying has been written about so much as to become a cliche, your version was very well done.
Dialogue- The conversation is very natural and modern-ish; it sounds like something you would hear people saying at school. Good job!
Other- I love the moral; it rings true with me. While you managed to make your message heard, it isn't totally overkilled. Congratulations!
Grammar- There are grammatical errors. Of course. But there aren't nearly as many as in Missing Three Wishes.
Review #4
Style- Sad, but very well written piece. Great job on sensory detail; very vivid! I can totally relate to the narrator. I like how you alternated the dialogue with the thoughts.
Plot- One reason I like this so well is because of how realistic it is. While the concept of bullying has been written about so much as to become a cliche, your version was very well done.
Dialogue- The conversation is very natural and modern-ish; it sounds like something you would hear people saying at school. Good job!
Other- I love the moral; it rings true with me. While you managed to make your message heard, it isn't totally overkilled. Congratulations!
Grammar- There are grammatical errors. Of course. But there aren't nearly as many as in Missing Three Wishes.
11/21/2008 c1 10Caecilia
[. my body was week.] it should be 'weak'
[I thought it would all be ok] to make that flow better, you should say either [I thought everything was going to be okay] or [I thought it'd all be okay]
[ i thought] Capitalize that 'i'! :)
[I thought i would]
[girls that i was ]
[ i find myself] more 'i's to capitalize. There's a lot of uncapitalized 'i's in here, which confuses me, because you remember to capitalize some of the other ones. You should go over this once more and check your capitals!
[We stood there for a few seconds just staring at each other] A comma after 'seconds' would make sense...
[When I was well away, I turned the corner, into an alley and stopped.] take out the comma after 'away' and add one after 'alley'. It will make more sense, because that would be where you'd pause when speaking aloud.
[i turned and lent] I think you mean 'leaned'
[and slid down.] Down to what? Add 'the ground' in there. You take a stab at describing the setting more when you talk about the wall, but then you leave off. Maybe there's garbage strewn about?
[I looked around me... i could see the school ] These sentences seem fragmented. Instead maybe link them together? [I looked around and could see the school...]
[ i never want to go back...never... i hate it...] better if it was [I never wanted to go back. Ever. I hate it.] It makes more sense. You use [...] a lot, and it gets old after a while.
[Why did things turn out this way... sure i made my mistakes... but... where did i go so terribly wrong?] Take out the [...] and use other punctuation! You could make this so much more powerful! If you added something other than the -dotdotdot- it would make people stop and actually somewhat reflect on what you're saying.
This is good. You have a really powerful message. I feel that you haven't developed this to it's full potential, though. You really need to work on the capitalization, and broaden how you're ending sentences. It seems like if this was really played out, there wouldn't be many questions asked, because you don't have many question marks.
Parts of this seem awkward, so just go over and play with punctuation. Other than that, good job! You have a great start!
~Caecilia
10Caecilia[. my body was week.] it should be 'weak'
[I thought it would all be ok] to make that flow better, you should say either [I thought everything was going to be okay] or [I thought it'd all be okay]
[ i thought] Capitalize that 'i'! :)
[I thought i would]
[girls that i was ]
[ i find myself] more 'i's to capitalize. There's a lot of uncapitalized 'i's in here, which confuses me, because you remember to capitalize some of the other ones. You should go over this once more and check your capitals!
[We stood there for a few seconds just staring at each other] A comma after 'seconds' would make sense...
[When I was well away, I turned the corner, into an alley and stopped.] take out the comma after 'away' and add one after 'alley'. It will make more sense, because that would be where you'd pause when speaking aloud.
[i turned and lent] I think you mean 'leaned'
[and slid down.] Down to what? Add 'the ground' in there. You take a stab at describing the setting more when you talk about the wall, but then you leave off. Maybe there's garbage strewn about?
[I looked around me... i could see the school ] These sentences seem fragmented. Instead maybe link them together? [I looked around and could see the school...]
[ i never want to go back...never... i hate it...] better if it was [I never wanted to go back. Ever. I hate it.] It makes more sense. You use [...] a lot, and it gets old after a while.
[Why did things turn out this way... sure i made my mistakes... but... where did i go so terribly wrong?] Take out the [...] and use other punctuation! You could make this so much more powerful! If you added something other than the -dotdotdot- it would make people stop and actually somewhat reflect on what you're saying.
This is good. You have a really powerful message. I feel that you haven't developed this to it's full potential, though. You really need to work on the capitalization, and broaden how you're ending sentences. It seems like if this was really played out, there wouldn't be many questions asked, because you don't have many question marks.
Parts of this seem awkward, so just go over and play with punctuation. Other than that, good job! You have a great start!
~Caecilia
10/22/2008 c1 22Starleaf
I don't think all of the ellipses (...) are necessary. There are ways to make your character sound hopeless without them.
There are also a few grammatical errors, like not capitalizing the beginning of sentences (obviously) and your Is. Also, in the first line "would" is repeated.
I think you meant "leaned" in one line, but you typed "lent".
I liked the ending very very much. It's so true how little things are worth living for - I personally look up "lolcats" (funny cat pictures with hilarious captions) whenever I'm upset because the cute little cats cheer me up no matter what. So I totally get that.
What I don't get was why the person was so upset. Was she too embarrassed or scared to have friends? Her friends rejected her? As much as I totally get the whole "I don't have friends" situation, I also know that theres always someone out there who will want you, so I didn't think the dark mood was really suitable for the situation. I think it was kind of exaggerated, actually.
But good work with the ending. Really. That made me like this story a whole lot more.
22StarleafI don't think all of the ellipses (...) are necessary. There are ways to make your character sound hopeless without them.
There are also a few grammatical errors, like not capitalizing the beginning of sentences (obviously) and your Is. Also, in the first line "would" is repeated.
I think you meant "leaned" in one line, but you typed "lent".
I liked the ending very very much. It's so true how little things are worth living for - I personally look up "lolcats" (funny cat pictures with hilarious captions) whenever I'm upset because the cute little cats cheer me up no matter what. So I totally get that.
What I don't get was why the person was so upset. Was she too embarrassed or scared to have friends? Her friends rejected her? As much as I totally get the whole "I don't have friends" situation, I also know that theres always someone out there who will want you, so I didn't think the dark mood was really suitable for the situation. I think it was kind of exaggerated, actually.
But good work with the ending. Really. That made me like this story a whole lot more.
10/10/2008 c1 1daydreamer1009
That was beautiful. I would never be able to come up with something like that... I hope you keep writing more like this because this was by far one of the best stories i have read so far. Where did you get the idea anyway? maybe I'll try sometime to write like that!
1daydreamer1009That was beautiful. I would never be able to come up with something like that... I hope you keep writing more like this because this was by far one of the best stories i have read so far. Where did you get the idea anyway? maybe I'll try sometime to write like that!
8/14/2008 c1 Redundant Expression
I liked it! I wrote something similar called "Can't Breath" haha.
Anywho, I liked the writing style, how you went between the words and the other girls thoughts.
I very muchly disliked that you didn't capitalize a lot of your "I"s, xP All in all a good read.
I liked it! I wrote something similar called "Can't Breath" haha.
Anywho, I liked the writing style, how you went between the words and the other girls thoughts.
I very muchly disliked that you didn't capitalize a lot of your "I"s, xP All in all a good read.
8/14/2008 c1 24Serenity Takaishi
... i could feel the emotion in the story, and it was amazing. i can actually feel her pain, and can relate.. amazing.
but your I's and beginning of the sentences, they need to be capitalized. other than that, good work!
24Serenity Takaishi... i could feel the emotion in the story, and it was amazing. i can actually feel her pain, and can relate.. amazing.
but your I's and beginning of the sentences, they need to be capitalized. other than that, good work!
8/6/2008 c1 AMM3485
I love it! Totally awesome storyline and message. I caught that some sentences didn't have capita letters and that a lot of your I's weren't capitalized. But nothing detracted from the reading.
I love it! Totally awesome storyline and message. I caught that some sentences didn't have capita letters and that a lot of your I's weren't capitalized. But nothing detracted from the reading.
7/30/2008 c1 11vrivasfl
Is my school an exception? This is a serious question that's been bothering me for one time. A lot of stories I read have a despised protagonist eating lunch in the bathroom. (Before I continue, let me point out that this is not a criticism. It's just the musings of a confused little boy). At my school, there are no "cliques" to speak of. Nerds hangs with jocks and cheerleaders hang with band geeks. On top of all of it, NO ONE eats lunch in the bathroom no matter how depressed they are. There are so many better places at my school to each lunch than the bathroom. Maybe it's becuase only about thirty percent of the student population actually bother to eat in the lunchroom...
Ignore everything I said. It's really meaningless. What's important to state is that this little story was really good, and it accomplished what it came to do, which was to teach a simple moral. There is always something to live for, which is a philosophy I can agree with wholeheartedly. A good read.
11vrivasflIs my school an exception? This is a serious question that's been bothering me for one time. A lot of stories I read have a despised protagonist eating lunch in the bathroom. (Before I continue, let me point out that this is not a criticism. It's just the musings of a confused little boy). At my school, there are no "cliques" to speak of. Nerds hangs with jocks and cheerleaders hang with band geeks. On top of all of it, NO ONE eats lunch in the bathroom no matter how depressed they are. There are so many better places at my school to each lunch than the bathroom. Maybe it's becuase only about thirty percent of the student population actually bother to eat in the lunchroom...
Ignore everything I said. It's really meaningless. What's important to state is that this little story was really good, and it accomplished what it came to do, which was to teach a simple moral. There is always something to live for, which is a philosophy I can agree with wholeheartedly. A good read.
7/19/2008 c1 45deefective
This was a very emotional piece. I found it a bit sugar coated towards the end but I guess that was the point. I liked the way that during her flash back you also included what she was thinking at the time in bold. It gave the whole thing a sort of cinematic feel to it. But one thing I didn't like is that this would've looked a lot better if you had used proper capitalization, punctuation and spelling. It felt kind of undone while I was reading it, probably because I'm a grammar freak, but not in a good way. But overall, good job.
45deefectiveThis was a very emotional piece. I found it a bit sugar coated towards the end but I guess that was the point. I liked the way that during her flash back you also included what she was thinking at the time in bold. It gave the whole thing a sort of cinematic feel to it. But one thing I didn't like is that this would've looked a lot better if you had used proper capitalization, punctuation and spelling. It felt kind of undone while I was reading it, probably because I'm a grammar freak, but not in a good way. But overall, good job.
7/14/2008 c1 4I see London I see Sam's Town
I read on your profile that you're from Australia, where as I'm from America, so I'm not sure if there are any differences in punctuation and the likes between the two countries (I've been told so, but I'm not sure ?.? )... Anyway, I did notice errors in punctuation with commas (lack thereof and splicing), and even more spelling issues. For example, you have "finially" rather than "finally." Also, a lot of words aren't capitalized, such as a single "I."
It would have been nice to see more sold, full sentences as oppsosed to ones that trail off. More detail and description would have been nice, too, as more light could be shed on the situation, problem(s), etc. That way, I would have felt more engaged/connected with the character and story.
The begining is a good way to start; however, it was a bit confusing since I didn't know who was talking or what was going on. (I was able to comprehend that she was being bullied by another girl, however.) The dog was a nice add in... The idea of it is cliche, but I like it :) The last two sentences is a good place to end the one-shot, too.
4I see London I see Sam's TownI read on your profile that you're from Australia, where as I'm from America, so I'm not sure if there are any differences in punctuation and the likes between the two countries (I've been told so, but I'm not sure ?.? )... Anyway, I did notice errors in punctuation with commas (lack thereof and splicing), and even more spelling issues. For example, you have "finially" rather than "finally." Also, a lot of words aren't capitalized, such as a single "I."
It would have been nice to see more sold, full sentences as oppsosed to ones that trail off. More detail and description would have been nice, too, as more light could be shed on the situation, problem(s), etc. That way, I would have felt more engaged/connected with the character and story.
The begining is a good way to start; however, it was a bit confusing since I didn't know who was talking or what was going on. (I was able to comprehend that she was being bullied by another girl, however.) The dog was a nice add in... The idea of it is cliche, but I like it :) The last two sentences is a good place to end the one-shot, too.