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for A Car Crash is Dying Like Lint

3/3/2008 c1 102Midnight In Eden
Personally, I don't think the first line should simply be "Death". Why not pull the next line up so that your first line is "Death in that skeleton of screaming metal" - also there should be a comma before "that" and after "metal". I'm also thinking that the line break between L5 & 6 is a little awkward... L5-7 might work better like this:

or the morbid beauty of lying

with your yellow tongue staring

at the cieling [typo - should be ceiling]

Also, unless you put a comma after "tongue" the sentence construction means that your tongue is staring at the ceiling.

"French foreign legion" should all be capitals as well since it's the name of an organisation.

Apart from the awkward line breaks I do like a lot of your imagery here. It's an interesting piece. I really like the last three lines (though I think this would work better as two stanzas, with those lines as the second stanza).

Nice work,

Midnight
2/26/2008 c1 9InSilverShadows
Oh gosh. That was intense. It hit me almost as hard as a car itself!

((P.S. Go nerd team! I'm not on one, but my friend is. :B I guess I'm a nerd team cheerleader, but a guy... D8))

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