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for Maybes

5/22/2011 c1 TheThingsSheSaid
I'm very sorry about your cousin.

This poem is beautiful and...haunting? I love it.
10/25/2010 c1 17foreverandeversoul
i like it good job
7/20/2009 c1 1k+Faithless Juliet
‘You’re gone with one simple action (mistake)/and everything you were to me evaporates.’ First, I like how you made this section in italics, it felt more personal to the reader. And it encompassed the main plight of the protaganist. Although, I have to say that I didn’t like (mistake) it felt out of place. I think the word action is solely enough to get your point across or just changing it to mistake and taking out action would work as well.

“long before you pulled that trigger/because you were but a living ghost,” - I like the parallel of trigger/ghost, you introduce the idea of destruction with trigger, and then you cement it with ghost. It was a very strong emotional setting when I read it. ‘A fraction of whom you used to be.’ - I’m sure whom is more grammatically correct, but I think just ‘who’ would sound better.

I really liked you conclusion to this piece; it fit very well with the overall piece, although I did feel that it was a bit sudden. Perhaps you meant to add more, but didn’t know where to go? It just felt like something was missing. Keep up the good work.

Much love,

4/25/2009 c1 Chasing Skylines
I liked how you put "mistake" in parentheses to show the predicament, but then you made the first two lines a couplet and therefore gave it substance.

I liked how you didn't come straight out and say the other person, "you," shot themself, and I liked how you went with the ghost theme, because it linked well to the supernatural-aspect last line, "answers dwelling in other universes."

- Review Marathon, link in profile.
11/15/2008 c1 May Elizabeth
This is very powerful. My condolences. Peace.
7/31/2008 c1 Firebee
This was a very well-written poem. You truly expressed the depth of your feelings and grief. Thank you.
7/20/2008 c1 2silverflight
For a poem of 88 words, it's marvelous. I really liked the last stanza! As well, you do recognize that a line doesn't have to end at a comma (!) and makes the line flow more smoothly.

You're right-how many times have we said, maybe, what if, if only I could have... ? Your poem sums this big IF question very well.

Really, I think if you wanted to, the last stanza would work as a poem by itself. Love it!
7/20/2008 c1 Nobody00100101
Wow, I like this... sadness, regret, second thoughts.

Is this based on a real life event?
6/16/2008 c1 35the fallen loyal one
i really relate to this it makes me think of my ex and what i could have done
6/10/2008 c1 12BlackestOpal
This poem is sad.

I loved the first two lines, they were my favourite. The brackets and italics worked well, as did the rhyming.
5/27/2008 c1 31Satsumaimo
...All I can think, is "WOW"

I love this one! It's absolutely beautiful! The last stanza, the last line really, blows me away! The entire thing is amazing, though! And the opening two lines in italics, oh my goodness! This is definitely one of my favorite pieces on FP!
5/26/2008 c1 11Shaped-like-pi
Wow. I can sense the impact this choice had on you, and everyone else. It is not easy to lose someone like that.

"I thought I disposed my final link to you,

long before you pulled the trigger

because you were but a living gost"

This is perhaps the strongest lines here. You(the reader) can feel the anger in these lines, the want to fix what happens if you could do it all over again.

"...exorcized the demons haunting you.

maybe I could of saved you

found the missing pieces of your soul"

ARE the strongest words here. You know what happened, but you don't know how to fix it.

Over all, this is one of my all-time favorite pieces. Thank you.

5/26/2008 c1 Guest
Hi there!

O.K., I'd like to this properly, so here goes: These are the things that your poem made me feel, my interpretations, etc; I'll get to the tecnicalites later in my review, all right?

"You’re gone with one simple action (mistake)

and everything you were to me evaporates."

These lines speak silently about accusation; I seem to be getting the impression that you're angry with the person who has gone. If I let myself imagine (feel) deeper, I'd say that the "everything you were to me evaporates" line is forced, as in anger induced. Like say, your anger makes you say that the person who's gone no longer means anything to you anymore.

"The impact astounds me, since

I thought I disposed of my final link to you

long before you pulled that trigger

because you were but a living ghost,

a fraction of whom you used to be."

This part is self-anger. You seem to be angry at yourself for the supposed weakness on your part for the person's passing. The last two lines suggest a sort of self-justification for your anger at this person, you seem to be convincing yourself that you possibly couldn't have done anything else.

"Maybe I could’ve enlivened you,

exorcized the demons haunting you.

Maybe I could’ve saved you,

found the missing pieces of your soul."

This, of course, is when you feel pained at what has happened, and the shame at your possible contribution to it. I found the "I could’ve saved you, found the missing pieces of your soul" line particularly beautiful.

"In this world of tragedy,

maybes occupy every corner,

but answers dwell in other universes."

This stanza speaks to me of laboured acceptance, and quite resignation.

Now for the technicalities:

The words complement the poem: you've used words that FIT, not necessarily those with bling, if you get what I mean. As for your rhythm, it's nicely done. It flows well in some parts, and gets, sluggish and labored in others; but for me, it symbolically highlights the subject.

All in all, I loved this piece
5/5/2008 c1 96Pandakun84
i love this peice. it's very well structred and u can hear what is being said, no extra words or any overly left out. wonderful job.
4/25/2008 c1 15Cardboard Tube Knight
I think the poem is solid, I liked the last stanza the best. But it all flowed well. Something I would suggest, and this might just be a style issue, is that you capitalize the start of each line. Also it just seems to me that the word mistake in line one would be best served if the line were written like this: "You're gone with one simple action. Mistake." Something about the parenthesis just irk me. But that's just me nit-picking, good poem. And if this is true, sorry for your loss.
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