for Dream, Pride, Love, Desire6/20/2008 c1 
172DefineBeauty
i think that this is pretty cool! i havn't seen a poem like this one yet, and it's just different...i like the format you used as well =]
i love the "stanzas" for dream, pride, and love, but on the desire, why do they need the desire to sweat? i understand the other two, but that one doesn't quite make sense to me lol. that's really my only dislike here
it's a true poem, one that we should apply to ourselves =]
172DefineBeautyi think that this is pretty cool! i havn't seen a poem like this one yet, and it's just different...i like the format you used as well =]
i love the "stanzas" for dream, pride, and love, but on the desire, why do they need the desire to sweat? i understand the other two, but that one doesn't quite make sense to me lol. that's really my only dislike here
it's a true poem, one that we should apply to ourselves =]
5/17/2008 c1 146Sexy Vampirechick
The poem was short and straight to the point. Very good.
I find that the desire to sweat didn't really fit. Hehe..sounded weird. But the poem was nice with the repetition of the words in each stanza.
146Sexy VampirechickThe poem was short and straight to the point. Very good.
I find that the desire to sweat didn't really fit. Hehe..sounded weird. But the poem was nice with the repetition of the words in each stanza.
4/20/2008 c1 174a silenced revolution
The ending seemed kind of anti-climactic to me. Aren't there more important things than winning? But that seemed to be what the piece was about, so I don't know... I guess the overall message just seemed somewhat hollow to me.
-Adrian.
174a silenced revolutionThe ending seemed kind of anti-climactic to me. Aren't there more important things than winning? But that seemed to be what the piece was about, so I don't know... I guess the overall message just seemed somewhat hollow to me.
-Adrian.
3/11/2008 c1 612simpleplan13
Review Game!
I have to say I didn't really like this piece. I did enjoy that it was "as a team" instead of the individual because that was unique. Also the message of it was nice and relateable
It flowed relatively well, although in the first section its dream _ except the last line, which seemed to through it off a bit. I also don't think all that repetition was necessary at all.
I'm also not sure if you chose not to separate it into stanzas or if fp screwed it up, but I think it would look nicely in stanzas.
The other thing is none of the descriptions or words here are unique. These are all words we have heard associated with teams before. I feel like a metaphor or maybe some awesome synonyms might help make it more unique. The only exception was desire to sweat because that seemed like something normal people would hate... lol
Anyhow I hope that doesn't come off as harsh. It's a good idea and I think it really has potential, especially since I read that other piece of yours and it was really awesome, and I'm trying to be helpful.
612simpleplan13Review Game!
I have to say I didn't really like this piece. I did enjoy that it was "as a team" instead of the individual because that was unique. Also the message of it was nice and relateable
It flowed relatively well, although in the first section its dream _ except the last line, which seemed to through it off a bit. I also don't think all that repetition was necessary at all.
I'm also not sure if you chose not to separate it into stanzas or if fp screwed it up, but I think it would look nicely in stanzas.
The other thing is none of the descriptions or words here are unique. These are all words we have heard associated with teams before. I feel like a metaphor or maybe some awesome synonyms might help make it more unique. The only exception was desire to sweat because that seemed like something normal people would hate... lol
Anyhow I hope that doesn't come off as harsh. It's a good idea and I think it really has potential, especially since I read that other piece of yours and it was really awesome, and I'm trying to be helpful.
3/3/2008 c1 3Minuit Sunryze Lili
Bella! i think this is my favorite one of your poems! and I think it may be your best one! I love it! insperation from a shoe! lol.
love ya!
Ali
3Minuit Sunryze LiliBella! i think this is my favorite one of your poems! and I think it may be your best one! I love it! insperation from a shoe! lol.
love ya!
Ali